Irony Is A Fucked Up Mistress | By : RuShin Category: Comics > Johnny the Homicidal Maniac Views: 1607 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0 |
Disclaimer: I do not own Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story. |
Chapter Four- Explanations and Fiz Wiz
Nny took in a few deep breaths, his chest heaving and his throat sore from all his screaming. His wrists and various other body parts were beginning to throb too. And he still didn’t have his Freezie. He gave one last futile struggle before slumping and glaring at the dead man before him. “Fucking bastard.” What? He wasn’t pouting, dammit.
The room became eerily quiet, except for the heavy breathing coming from the man in the machine, signaling to Edgar that Nny was done with his rant. Finally! He looked up from the book he was reading, something he had found on a nearby shelf, and stared impassively at the other man. Was Nny pouting?
"I was waiting to see when you'd stop on your own, Nny." He closed the book, setting it off to the side, and stood up from where he sat on the floor. "But three hours of yelling, cursing, and screaming over a Freezie is ridiculous." He brushed off the dirt and dried blood from his clothes. These floors were really filthy.
"Had you just let me tell you WHY THE HELL I'M HERE THEN YOU COULD HAVE HAD YOUR FUCKING FREEZIE TWO AND A HALF HOURS AGO!" He paused to compose himself. "Your precious beverage is in the fridge upstairs. I transported it there while we discussed our current situation, so it wouldn't melt." Smirking, he added, "Unless by some ironic and unfortunate chance, your fridge is broken, the Freezie melts anyway and spills over some conveniently exposed wires, causing a massive explosion that completely annihilates what's left of your Freezie."
As soon as those words left his mouth, a loud BOOM came from several floors up. That sounded strangely like a broken, melted-Freezie-covered fridge blowing up. Edgar's eyes were wide with surprise and realized dread, and his casual smile shrunk into a small fearful frown.
Edgar looked at Nny frantically. "I swear I didn't do it! How about we just go get you another one after we're finished here, huh? I found a couple bucks on one of those assholes you've got tied up in the other room." He smiled apologetically. Irony really did have a sick twisted FUCKED UP sense of humor.
Johnny listened to Edgar’s outburst. How could he have not freaked over his Freezie? But at least the other man had put it in the fridge. Very reasonable of him. The least he could do was listen to what the man had to say, and he WAS curious as to why he was here. Besides, the possibility of something as outrageous as his fridge blowing up was slim to none.
He was just about to nod and give his assent when a loud explosion was heard. His jaw slackened, and he stared blankly at the bespectacled man that began to sputter and babble nervously. A very slow rage began to bubble up inside of him, and he hung his head, shadow obscuring his face. “Let me out of this thing, Edgar.” His voice was calm, steady, and pleasant even. See? No violence. Not yet anyway.
Nny was being unusually passive…which meant danger. Edgar sighed, composing himself, and looked back at Johnny, determined to get this whole thing over with.
“No,” he said simply. “Not until you hear me out. I know you’ll do something crazy if I release you before I can explain anything.” He waited for the furious reaction that was bound to come. When none did, he continued on. “I’ve been sent here to watch over you for some time. So I guess I sort of am your guardian angel…but I don’t like that title. It sounds really gay. Anyway, there’s supposed to be something dangerous coming, and you being the only known human waste lock, it’s bound to seek you out. Señor Satan assigned me to basically stalk you until you die.”
The twitch of his eye was the only indication that Johnny didn’t appreciate being told no. He hung there; chin resting uncomfortably on the metal neck brace and listened to the other talk. When the other man finished, he raised his head very slowly. A trick of the light made his pale blue-grey eyes appear red and demonic, a deep shadow casting the rest of his face in darkness.
“I don’t need a fucking angel hovering over my shoulder, watching my every move,” he said quietly. “I prefer to be alone.” He narrowed his eyes dangerously. “You use the word ‘gay’ like it’s a derogatory term.” He sneered, his eyes narrowing further. “But that’s right; you have your fucking bigotry religion that tells you such things.”
He clenched his fist, digging his nails into his palm. “What’s this ‘danger’ you’re talking about? I can take care of myself.” He was executing a great deal of restraint, not yelling, even though his lungs felt like they’d burst from the effort.
Edgar responded calmly. "Trust me, I didn't choose this job. Angels are very rare, in fact. The last one to be created was over two hundred years ago." He looked up at Johnny, his hair casting shadows over his face and letting the light reflect off his silver thin-framed glasses. "That angel is now in the lowest bowels of Hell itself, a place that's specifically reserved for those of great damnation. One sin, big or small, is the loss of a feather, something that causes great mental anguish. Loss of all feathers creates demons. Doesn't sound very fun, does it?" He flapped his wings demonstratively.
He then felt slightly ashamed by Nny's accusations. "I really try not to act like a bigot, you know, but being around such prejudice my whole life...it tends to sink into your subconscious." He bowed to the man in the machine, his right hand over his heart, the other held out to the side, and his wings lifted high above him. "I deeply apologize. You deserve better from your angel. Please forgive me." He cringed as a sharp pain shot through his head and then disappeared, a beautiful white feather landing at his feet. One sin, big or small...
"But, there is still something evil coming this way.” He straightened up. "I have not the slightest idea of what it is. Not even Satan knows of its origin. So whether you need me or not, I'm here to stay, so get the fuck over it."
“Get the fuck over it…?” Johnny repeated quietly. “Get the fuck over it?!” His voice rose dramatically. “How do you suggest that I GET THE FUCK OVER IT?!” He let out an enraged breath that turned into an intelligible scream. “I didn’t ask to be a fucking waste lock! Those bastards in the afterlife just enjoy fucking with my life!” He began to struggle with his bonds again, a thin trickle off blood running down the shackles around his wrist from where the abused skin broke. “And FUCK YOU. You think I believe that shit about not knowing what the danger is?! You’re just trying to be cryptic!” He snarled and his voice cracked with the volume of his next sentence. “I HAD SKETTIOS IN THAT FRIDGE!”
The sudden outburst startled the angel, but not as much as the blood. Sure, Johnny wasn't being ripped apart like he was, but the sight of blood still wasn't good. He needed to calm down. Edgar glided up to the irate man. "Johnny! Calm down!" He gently put his hands on both sides of the other's face, making them lock eyes. "Please." He sounded just as desperate as he felt.
The light reflecting off his glasses flashed blindingly. Johnny was now free of the contraption, and the two were back in Nny's living room. Edgar continued to hold onto Johnny, subconsciously running his thumbs over the short hair around the ears. "Please calm down. I know you must feel on edge over all this, but what I tell you is true. That's why I'm here. To help you. To get you through all this. I am your angel."
Johnny’s arms dropped to his side like lead as he was released from the machine, but he didn’t notice this much. What he did notice was the sudden warmth that flowed through him. His eyes slipped closed. He was suddenly filled with an emotion he hadn’t felt in a very long time. He felt calm, reassured…he felt safe. Brief images slipped through his mind. Smiling faces. Birthday parties. A brand new paint set. “My angel…?” He whispered. He shook his head and drew away, placing a hand on his forehead and backing into his grungy couch. “What…what the fuck was that?” He asked shakily as he looked up at the being before him. He tried to work up some anger, but couldn’t manage it. He felt…nice. If not a bit confused from the strange images.
Edgar was relieved that Johnny had calmed down, but the last question confused him. "What was what? All I did was transport us back up here."
He straightened, keeping a hand on the sofa arm. “That!” He said, as if it explained everything. “Y-you…touched me and…and…” He said the word as if it was something foul before he floundered for an explanation of what had occurred. He settled on huffing and leveling a glare at the confused man. “Well, you should know! You’re the one that caused it!” He cradled himself as if cold and gave the angel an incredulous look. “It felt…comforting.”
"Well, I don't know everything. I've never been an ange before, and all I know is what Satan has told me. He never mentioned anything about touching." He crossed his arms uncomfortably and looked at an empty corner of the room. "Frankly, I'm not too keen on physical contact either. Comfort's not something my past is filled with. The only person who made me feel at ease was..." He glared at the corner as if it had insulted him. "Never mind."
He dropped his arms to let his thumbs rest in his pockets, then looked back at Nny as if nothing happened. "So, you know why I'm here. Got any questions?"
Johnny scuffed the floor with the toe of his boot, glancing up at the other. He was curious about what the angel was going to say, but he didn’t press the issue. This was quite the awkward conversation. No need to make it more so. Besides, he didn’t want any questions like that directed towards himself…especially since he didn’t remember anything from his past beyond this house anyway.
He was glad of the change of subject. “Can I get a Freezie now?”
Edgar smirked at the other's timid suggestion. It was like a cute harmless child asking to go play outside, rather than the mass killer wanting a Freezie. He appeared behind Nny and dangled the five dollar bill in front of his face. "I'm not holding you back."
A grin quickly sprouted from out of nowhere and he snagged the five bucks before running for the door. He halted just inside the doorway. “Er…this isn’t enough for two…” He blinked at the angel, looking him up and down before narrowing his eyes. There was no way in hell, or heaven, that he was sharing his beloved Freezie.
"Angels don't eat," he answered simply. "Or sleep. Or do most normal human things. We don't even have saliva! It just always stays moist!" He stuck out his tongue and poked it. "Thfee!" He smiled jestingly. "So you don't have to worry about sharing your Freezie. Oh! I almost forgot! Here!" As if pulling it out of thin air, he tossed a long black coat at Nny. "Satan said he wouldn't let you have it when you were down there, but I told him to go fuck himself, because I was using it as a peace offering. Hope you like it."
Johnny made a face as the other proceeded to poke at his tongue. “Well, that’s good. At least I don’t have to feed you.” His mind trailed off to Nail Bunny. “My last pet didn’t do so well…” He smiled fondly as his eyes went distant. He was suddenly brought back to reality as something smacked him in the face. “The fuck?!” He said angrily before taking a good look at what was in his hands. His eyes widened and his lips formed a little “o” of surprise. It was the jacket he had worn during his trip through Hell. He put it on with lightening speed, a happy, lop-sided grin on his face.
Stretching his arms to test the material, he looked at Edgar, still smiling. “Thanks.” The word felt foreign on his tongue, but he truly was thankful.
Edgar's smile grew with the unexpected gratitude. "You're quite welcome."
As they headed out the door, Edgar flew in front of Johnny and faced him, still floating in the direction they were going. "You know...Nail Bunny IS still with you. He just no longer talks to you from that rotting carcass. After all, he's a part of you." He leaned forward and touched his index finger to Johnny's forehead.
As the other’s finger brushed against his forehead, Nny shivered. Flashes of memories with Nail Bunny sped through his mind, and there were those smiling faces again, and a gentle hug. That odd comforting sensation flowed through him and he felt utterly safe. He shook his head, batting away the finger with a frown. He was glad the angel hadn’t used more than his finger. Such intense emotions made him…uncomfortable, though that didn’t seem like quite the right word. It was also embarrassing, and he feared that at any moment his face might heat up. And what was up with those weird images he kept seeing? He shook his head and continued walking.
“Perhaps,” he told the other as his thoughts returned once more to the decaying little bunny. “Nail Bunny always seemed to embody my…sanity. What little there was anyway.” He looked up at the stars. “Perhaps when he disappeared, he didn’t truly disappear. Maybe he just…” He put a hand over his chest. “Went back inside.” He blinked and squinted over at Edgar. “You think?”
“I know.” He glided back around to float obediently behind Nny and spoke gently in his ear, “In fact, although you are still a waste lock, your sanity is slowly recovering. I’m here to help with that as well.” He leaned away from the other. “At least, that’s what Satan told me I should do while I’m he ― hey!! I didn’t know the 24/7 sold Fiz Wiz! Dammit, I wish I woulda knew that while I was still alive! I love Fiz Wiz!” He muttered under his breath, “Stupid being-dead-ness. I wonder if I can still eat even though I don’t have to…”
Johnny hummed contemplatively. “Well, that’s good to know.” He blinked over at the other, looking him up and down. He didn’t look like a Fiz Wiz person. But come to think of it…Who wasn’t a Fiz Wiz person? He shrugged. “You can obviously pick things up.” He waved the five around demonstratively. “So you could always try it.” He paused before opening the door and narrowed his eyes. “I’m not paying though.”
He opened the door and went to the back where the Freezie machine was kept. He motioned to the Fiz Wiz. “Grab one…I don’t think it’d be considered stealing, since you don’t really exist. Well, you DO…but...you know what I mean.” He returned his attention to his beloved Freezie machine. “Cherry or soda, cherry or soda…hmmm.” He tapped his lips as he thought.
“Cherry! What else? Are you insane?” Edgar winked teasingly, as he grabbed (stole) some cherry Fiz Wiz.
Authors’ Notes-
This is just a weeeee bit late. Sorry about that. D: If Bugg hadn’t reminded me, I may have forgotten. O_O But anyway, there you have it. You finally know why Edgar’s here, and you get to see more of his playful, caring and snarky characteristics. =3
Also, we’d like to send TONS OF LOVE to our wonderful Beta Insanity-Gallops. ::millions of hearts float around everywhere:: You should all go visit them on Deviant Art. Com. (Has the same user name as I mentioned. =3 )
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