Irony Is A Fucked Up Mistress | By : RuShin Category: Comics > Johnny the Homicidal Maniac Views: 1608 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0 |
Disclaimer: I do not own Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story. |
Chapter Two-The “Big Bang”
His eyes widened and his grip on the Freezie tightened, causing the plastic to creak in protest as he whirled to face the intruder. How had someone snuck up behind him? He was usually more observant.
He snarled as he withdrew his dagger from his wrist sheath, pointing it threateningly at the taller man. “Who the fuck are you?! What do you want?!” For they always wanted something, the rare visitors to his humble abode. Whether they wished to sell some useless item or some other unpleasant business, they always wanted something from him. Oh, he obligingly gave them something every time. He gave them lots of pain for disturbing him. This man’s fate would be no different.
Or so he thought before the man’s words registered in his mind. “Wait…How the hell do you know about my dreams, you fucker?” He narrowed his eyes suspiciously.
That was when he noticed the man’s appearance. He looked normal at a glance…but if you studied him, you could see right through him.
Johnny was able to process that, somewhat. What really left him baffled were the other’s almost invisible wings. He had almost missed them they were so translucent. “What…what are you?” He asked in a hoarse whisper, unconsciously taking a step back. “A frickin’ angel?!” He briefly wondered if God was pissed because he had flipped him off and had sent this angel to bug him.
The spirit didn't flinch at the other man's harsh yelling. Quite the contrary. It was simply amusing.
I guess that answers my question, but maybe I should give him a moment to settle down first. A few more minutes of yelling passed by. Okay, that's enough. He's not stopping any time soon.
"Settle down, Johnny," the spirit ordered in a stern yet non-threatening voice. He calmly glided away from the maniac's wide and furious hand gestures--complete with dagger--and was finally able to set foot on the creaking wood floor. "I'm not here to bug you aimlessly, but I will if you want me too."
He released his spectral form, becoming physical once again with his white feathered wings still remaining slightly translucent. Well, he was as physical as a spirit could get anyway. He knew the only person who would be able to see, hear, or touch him was Johnny. It was comforting to know that the rest of the world would remain oblivious to his existence. Not much difference from his life before he died.
He gave Johnny a hurt expression jestingly, "Aww, I'm slightly offended, Nny. You don't recognize your bestest best friend? I believe that's what you called me before I was, unfortunately, used to paint your wall." He paused. "And I'd like to add that that machine of yours hurts like a bitch. Not even Heaven can repair some of that damage."
He gestured to the large scar that wrapped around his throat, also revealing another similar scar that wrapped around his wrist in the process. It wasn't hard to miss the scars. His wardrobe showed off some of them.
He wore a dark purple buttoned shirt, which he kept untucked from his dark blue jeans, that clashed nicely with his black-denim, purple-laced, and white-soled tennis shoes. The shirt's sleeves came down to mid-fore arm, reveling the two identical scars on his wrists, and the collar was unbuttoned low enough to not only see the scar on his neck but also part of a similar scar that ran across his chest. He wasn't used to wearing such things. Most of his old wardrobe consisted of plain T-shirts. But, this was comfortable, so he didn't care. Besides, the light material of the shirt maneuvered well with the damned wings Senior Diablo cursed him with. The bastard. He only hoped he spited the Devil when he wore the silver cross necklace in his presence. He never took it off anyway, but annoying Satan was just too entertaining.
He furrowed his brows as he watched the other materialize. Who the hell was he to order him around? A brief vision of gutting this annoying specter filled his mind, and he grinned in a disconcerting manner. This…this, whatever the hell it is, was annoying him and he decided that that was more than enough reason to kill it. If it could be killed, that is. Only one way to find out…His grip tightened on the hilt of his knife preparing to delve deep into the other’s flesh, but his arm froze before it ever even moved.
He blinked. “Bestest best friend?”, he muttered questioningly. That sounded familiar…He searched his memories until it finally registered. His mouth formed a little “o” of surprise. “Oooh, you’re the guy that thought “Nny” had a “k” in it! Edgar Vaggy-something.” He looked very pleased with himself as he looked the other over, taking in the scars. “It did? Well, good. I was worried that perhaps it killed people too suddenly so that they never got the chance to feel the pain and know that they were truly alive before they died.” He nodded to himself, still staring at the other’s scars. “Hm, I’m glad Heaven’s healing services suck. Better than anything I ever put on a canvas.” He said off handedly.
Ever since his journey through hell, he had begun to get back in touch with his artistic side. His true passion. Unfortunately, he wasn’t quite fixed from whatever had happened to him, and scars, blood and pain were much better mediums than paint in his addled mind.
He blinked back up at the other’s eyes and away from the scars. While this situation was quite interesting, he wasn’t exactly a social person. Some of his earlier agitation returned, though not as strongly. So he got straight to the point. “What’re you doing here? What do you want?”
Edgar eyed the blade impassively as it was gripped tighter by its owner. He watched as Johnny looked proudly at the scars -- the art -- that he had created long ago. It was almost like he was ogling him. Edgar narrowed his eyes at the other's misguided admiration towards his...mutilation. Of course, what else should he expect from the one and only Johnny C?
"Well, at least you remembered my name...sort of. It's Vargas, by the way. Edgar Vargas." He smirked at Nny's off handed comment. "I'm glad you're picking up normal arts again...for the most part anyway. Although, I'm not going to be your average piece of artwork." Not that he was normal "artwork" to begin with. "Which brings me to the topic of why I'm here." He approached the maniac slowly. Fear was irrelevant to him now. This person no longer threatened him. "This is going to take a while to explain, so you might as well make yourself..." He touched his index finger to Johnny's forehead and pushed it backwards. "...comfortable."
In a flash of light, they were several floors down, deep in the bowels of the house. He stared up and grinned at Johnny, who was now strapped into the very machine that had ended Edgar's life. "There. That's better."
He tried to back step away from the offending finger, but it was too late. He winced as the bright light engulfed him as if it had slapped him. He tried to rub the pain from his eyes, but his wrists would not budge. He grit his teeth and blinked repeatedly, forcing his pupils to do their magic and work again. As the room came into focus, he stared at his bound wrists and attempted to look down at his legs. The metal cuff around his throat kept this from being possible and he was left looking down at Edgar.
A wave of familiarity washed over him and his dream flashed before his eyes. This was just like Déjà vu. Except Backwards! Like...Vuja de! He squirmed, glaring angrily down at the dead man below him. “The FUCK is this?!”
"Irony has a sick twisted FUCKED UP sense of humor, and I just happen to be a fan of it," Edgar mentioned casually, waving a dismissive hand. He looked up at the restrained and irate Johnny. "You know, the machine's not as big as I remember it. But don't worry your psychotic little head." He glided up to come face to face with him. "I'm not allowed to harm you."
He drifted backwards to hover in the middle of the room. "Now listen closely and don't interrupt me."
He glared suspiciously at the other. “Oh, it’s not. I have to adjust it for each person I put in it. You’re monstrously tall, so I had to make it monstrously big.” He blinked. “Not allowed?” He grinned, showing off too many teeth and cocked his head to the side. “Who’s lap dog are you then? God’s or Senior Diablo’s?”
"Satan's, but that comes later in the explanation. Besides, God's too lazy to get off his fat, ass imprinted "Lazy-God" to even find a lap dog, let alone do his fucking godly job. Gah!!" He waved his arms in the air for emphasis. He stopped his ranting, eyes wide in realization, and glared at Johnny. "And I said no interru-- "
He cut the other off. “Heh. “ass imprinted” that’s a good one.” He squirmed in his restraints. “Wait…aren’t you supposed to be…” He twirled a finger, though the movement was awkward. It would have been more meaningful a motion had his wrist not been bound. “Religiously sound or something? You seemed pretty hardcore last time we met.”
"Things change when you know the truth about them. For example, those crack head scientists were right about The Big Bang theory. Satan says God just fell his fat, all-powerful, godly ass out of his chair." He grinned at the ridiculous thought. "But let's not get off topic. I'm here because -- "
A bark of laughter tore from Nny’s throat. “He FELL out of his chair?!” His body shook with laughter and it took a few minutes to compose himself. “Oh…oh, that’s rich.” He grinned. Despite being inside a death machine, he was enjoying himself. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d laughed like that. “I always knew it couldn’t have been all that divine providence shit people go on and on about.” He cocked his head to the side once more and smirked. "How did you fall for something as stupid as the lie that God loved you? You seem semi-intelligent."
Edgar looked to the side ashamedly. "Screw you, Nny. Blind faith, no matter how pointless and misguided, still got me through my poor pathetic excuse for an existence." Some strange emotion glazed over his eyes, like something from the past coming back to haunt him. Something Johnny said registered in Edgar's mind. He turned towards the machine again and pointed at its occupant. "And fuck you! I'm all-intelligent, dammit!! "Semi-intelligent" describes those morons running the government!! And we all know how that's working out, now don't we?!!"
He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "And quit getting off track. Don't you want to know what the hell I'm doing here?" He muttered under his breath, "I'm starting wonder that myself."
He stared at the other quizzically, and then shook his head. Whatever had passed through the other man’s eyes had intrigued him and he wanted to pry, but Edgar was right. He did want to know why the hell he was here. He couldn’t help one last jab though. “All-intelligent? If you were that then you would have known all that religious mumbo-jumbo shit was just a cover story and you would have never been misguided.” He squirmed uncomfortably.
“So, what? Are you a “guardian angel” here to protect me? ‘Cause…” He looked to the only part of his body he could see, his wrists, and wriggled them. “Honestly, I don’t think you’re doing a very good job.” He blinked suddenly and jerked his head from side to side, peering at his hands with wide eyes. "The hell? Where'd my Freezie go?!"
"Screw the freezie!! I'm trying to tell you something important," the spirit was about to explain, but the homicidal maniac wouldn't have it.
He watched as the other struggled against the restraints, screaming and yelling. "I WALKED FIVE FUCKING BLOCKS TO GET THAT FREEZIE!! DAMMIT, WHAT'D YOU DO WITH IT?!!"
"Argh!!" Edgar sat down on the dirty blood-stained floor. Johnny wasn't going to listen when he was in this state of mind, so he might as well wait it out. Hopefully, his screaming fit wouldn't last very long.
~~~~~~~~~
Authors Notes:
Ru: Argh! Sorry this update is a little late. I was over at Bugg's house and she hath no intarnets. DX *flails*
Bugg: *flails with*
Ru: But here it is anyway. ^^
Bugg: Nowz youz all know who I play! The smexy har, Edgar! =D
Ru & Bugg: Plz R&R! We're curious as to what people think! ^^
Ru: Oh yeah! I almost forgot! D8 We're looking for a beta!
Bugg: So if you want the job, let us know!!!
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