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KARKAT: FONDLY REGARD DAT ASS	By : CarcinoGeneticist Category: Web Comics > Homestuck Views: 2563 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures, or any of the characters within, and I make no money from these writings.

Chapter List
- 1-KARKAT: FONDLY REGARD DAT ASS
- 1
Written for a prompt from the kink meme at homesmut, the livejournal Adult fan-community for Homestuck. Enjoy.

KARKAT: FONDLY REGARD DAT ASS

--CarcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling CentaursTesticle [CT]--

CG: HEY
CG: HEMO-FACIST
CG: WE NEED TO TALK
CT: D --> There is no need to be rude
CT: D --> I see no reason why we cannot have at least the il100sion of politeness
CG: SO DON’T GIVE A SHIT
CT: D --> Then perhaps I am not feeling particularly interested
CT: D --> In communicating with a lowb100d
CG: FUCKING GODDAMNIT
CG: FINE
CG: HELLO THERE, EQUIUS, WHAT A NICE FUCKING DAY WE’RE HAVING HERE
CT: D --> That is an improvement
CT: D --> Although the e%clusion of e%pletives would be even more preferable
CG: MOVING THE FUCK ON
CG: BEFORE YOU GIVE ME A SECOND BRAIN CRAMP TO GO WITH THE ONE I ALREADY HAVE
CG: YOU NEED TO REIN IN NEPETA
CG: PREFERABLY IMMEDIATELY
CT: D --> Why
CT: D --> Has she been doing something
CT: D --> 100d
CG: YES
CG: VERY FUCKING LEWD AND IT’S MAKING ME WANT TO VOMIT
CG: OR IT WOULD BE IF IT WASN’T ALREADY MAKING ME
CG: WELL NEVER MIND THAT PART
CT: D --> I am afraid I do not understand
CT: D --> You find it 100d and at the same time not
CT: D --> Is that about the e%tent of what you are saying
CG: UGH
CG: I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN I COULDN’T GET THIS SHIT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL WITHOUT FUCKING DIAGRAMS
CG: LOOK YOU KNOW HOW NEPETA HAS BEEN DOING A LOT OF
CG: LET’S SAY, ‘PROWLING,’ LATELY?
CT: D --> She is not used to being in a confined space for such an e%tended period of time
CT: D --> She is simply working out her e%cess energy
CT: D --> I see no problem with this
CG: BUT HAVE YOU SEEN HER AT IT?
CG: I MEAN ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY WATCHED HER DOING IT?
CT: D --> Yes, a couple of times
CT: D --> I still do not see what you want me to be 100king at
CG: IT’S THAT THING SHE DOES
CG: WHEN SHE SEES SOME INANE PIECE OF JUNK TO POUNCE AT
CG: CROUCHING DOWN ON ALL FOURS
CG: EXCEPT LIKE
CG: ONLY HER FRONT HALF GOES DOWN
CT: D --> Er
CT: D --> What
CG: AND THE REST OF HER IS STICKING UP
CG: WAY TOO FUCKING HIGH
CG: WAGGING BACK AND FORTH LIKE A FUCKING OFFERING
CG: AND I’M HAVING TO TRY WAY TOO GODDAMN HARD NOT TO TAKE HER UP ON IT
CG: IT’S FUCKING HAUNTING MY BRAIN
CT: D --> This is
CT: D --> Slightly disturbing me
CT: D --> E%cuse me while I towel off
CG: I REALLY DON’T FUCKING WANT TO HEAR ABOUT EVERY LITTLE THING THAT MAKES YOU NEED A GODDAMNED TOWEL, FUCKING CHRIST
CG: LOOK, I JUST CAN'T STOP FUCKING THINKING ABOUT IT AND IT’S MAKING ME SICK
CT: D --> Just so I am 100% clear
CT: D --> Are you
CT: D --> Are you referring to her e%quisitely shaped
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> If you would allow me to be 100d for a moment
CT: D --> Are you referring to
CT: D --> What was that human phrase
CT: D --> ‘Dat ass’
CG: YES I AM FUCKING REFERRING TO "THAT ASS" YOU MORON, WHAT THE FUCK ELSE WOULD I BE REFERRING TO
CG: STUPID SEXY CATGIRL
CT: D --> I would greatly prefer you not speak of Nepeta in that manner
CG: WHAT THE FUCK, WHY
CG: ARE YOU SAYING YOU FUCKING WANT HER AND HER BUBBLE BUTT?
CT: D --> Of course not
CT: D --> We are moirails
CT: D --> That would just be
CT: D --> Perverse
CG: UH-HUH
CG: THAT’S WHY YOU KNEW EXACTLY WHAT I WAS FUCKING TALKING ABOUT
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> I will admit that it is
CT: D --> Difficult
CT: D --> To not notice such a delightfully rounded hindquarters
CT: D --> When it is so often and freely e%hibited
CG: SEE THAT’S THE SHIT I’M FUCKING TALK ABOUT SHE’S STICKING THAT THING OUT FUCKING EVERYWHERE
CT: D --> But that does not mean I am in any way desiring to partake in what she is
CT: D --> E%hibiting
CG: SURE YOU’RE NOT
CG: SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS?
CG: IF I SEE HER ONE MORE TIME
CG: WITH HER FUCKING GIANT ASS BENT OVER AND JUST
CG: KIND OF JUTTING OUT A LITTLE
CG: I’M GOING TO FUCKING FLY OFF THE HANDLE
CG: AND SHE’LL WONDER ALL OF A SUDDEN WHY HER BIG FAT ASS HURTS
CT: D --> Please don’t
CT: D --> I have no intention of allowing anyone to defile her
CT: D --> I would not want to have to hurt you
CG: CHEAP THREAT, YOU’RE TOO MUCH OF A FUCKING WUSS TO DO JACK SHIT
CT: D --> Must you always be so vulgar
CT: D --> Also it is actually in no way ‘fat’
CT: D --> Nepeta is at the height of physical fitness
CT: D --> However prominent that area may be it is because of her e%ceptional strength
CT: D --> I would appro%imate that 95% of the body mass of her hindquarters is muscle
CT: D --> Taught, STRONG muscle
CG: OH MY GOD FOR THE LOVE OF FLAMING FUCKING SHITBALLS SHUT UP
CG: SHE’S GOT A TIGHT ASS, THANKS, GOT IT, YOU CAN STOP BEING FUCKING CREEPY NOW
CT: D --> Uh
CT: D --> Yes
CT: D --> I believe that is a succinct summary of my statements
CT: D --> However crude
CT: D --> Uh
CT: D --> I seem to have forgotten what the original point was
CG: I ASKED YOU A FUCKING QUESTION
CG: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS SHIT?
CT: D --> Oh yes
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> What e%actly do you want me to do about it
CT: D --> Tell her to repress her natural instin% because they have the side effect of making you uncomfortable
CG: YOU REFER TO ME BY NAME AND I WILL FUCKING STRANGLE YOU TO DEATH
CG: JUST MAKE HER FUCKING AWARE OF THE FACT THAT SHE’S SHOWING OFF HER FRUSTRATINGLY FINE REAR END TO EVERYONE IN HER VICINITY AND SHE NEEDS TO FUCKING KNOCK IT OFF BEFORE SOMEONE WITH LESS SELF CONTROL GETS THE WRONG FUCKING IDEA
CT: D --> I think you are overestimating how much she will care what I have to say
CT: D --> She has a bad habit of being corrupted by the 100d behaviors of lowb100ds
CT: D --> And she is not especially shy about her body
CT: D --> If she were aware of the effects her display of her rear end was having
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> She would probably find it to be both amusing
CT: D --> And an incentive to e%ploit it for all it is worth
CG: WHAT THE FUCK
CG: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY FUCKING SAYING IF YOU POINT IT OUT TO HER SHE’LL JUST INTENTIONALLY SHOW HER ASS OFF EVEN MORE
CT: D --> Possibly
CT: D --> Er
CT: D --> We should perhaps cease this line of conversation now
CG: JESUS FUCK
CG: AND THE FRUSTRATING FUCKING THING IS THAT DOESN’T SOUND LIKE A HALF BAD IDEA
CT: D --> You are drifting into uncouth territory again
CT: D --> You will stop now
CG: FUCK YOU YOU’RE NOT HER GODDAMN LUSUS
CG: IF SHE WANTS TO PRESENT HER FINE FUCKING ASS TO ME
CT: D --> Stop
CG: AND I DECIDE TO GRAB LIFE BY HER BUTTCHEEKS AND GO TO TOWN
CG: THAT’S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS
CT: D --> Karkat
CT: D --> Stop talking
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO STOP ME
CG: SEE NOW I FUCKING WANT TO DO IT JUST TO PISS YOU OFF
CG: EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND WHILE I GO AND ADMIRE SOME GODDAMN FINE ASS
CT: D --> Karkat she is here
CG: WHAT
CT: D --> She crept in a moment ago without my noticing
CT: D --> She can see everything you are typing
CT: D --> I am sorry I tried to warn you discreetly
CG: OH GOD
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD
CT: D --> I told you we should cease thigerg;zdfokljh
CG: WHAT THE FUCK
CT: ASLFDKsdhwwhgcqehGASGg2v5q43
CG: OH FUCK
CG: PLEASE NO

--centaursTesticle [CT] has changed their trollhandle to arsenicCatnip [AC]--

AC: :33 < *suddenly the crafty pouncellor aC deftly comand33rs the grouchy musclebeasts compurrter!*
CG: GOD FUCKING DAMNIT
AC: :33 < *aC winds herself around the also grouchy karkittys legs and grins mischievously up at him*
CG: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU OUTMUSCLE THAT FUCKING HULK
AC: :33 < *aC is fast and sneaky! She escaped to the top of a bookshelf where cT cant reach her so she can focus on more impurrtant things!*
AC: :33 < *aC k33ps grinning*
AC: :33 < sooooo
AC: :33 < *she says*
AC: :33 < you were saying something about admiring my heinie?
CG: OKAY, FUCK
CG: I’M SORRY, ALRIGHT?
CG: PLEASE DON’T MAKE A THING OUT OF THIS
AC: :33 < mrr? Why would cG be sorry?
AC: :33 < *aC is actually r33lly flattered! She didn’t know cG was so furscinated by her badonkadonk!*
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS A BADONKADONK
AC: :33 < h33h33h33, its a human word for butt!
AC: :33 < dave taught it to me!
AC: :33 < he taught me lots of them
AC: :33 < gluteus maximus
AC: :33 < junk in the trunk
AC: :33 < booty
AC: :33 < h33h33h33 booty
AC: :33 < that is my favorite one!
CG: UGH WHY IS EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS SO FUCKING TERRIBLE
CG: NEVER SAY ANY OF THOSE WORDS AGAIN EVER
CG: THIS IS AN ORDER FROM YOUR LEADER
AC: :33 < nyaaaaaoooo, hey, quit changing the subject!
CG: THERE IS NO SUBJECT
CG: THERE IS NO CONVERSATION
CG: WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR ASS
CG: END OF STORY
AC: :33 < h33h33h33!
AC: :33 < *aC knew cG would say something like that!*
AC: :33 < *but its okay because she knows the truth :33*
AC: :33 < *aC wiggles her appurrently spectacular rear at karkitty*
CG: JESUS FUCK STOP THAT
AC: :33 < *aC scoots closer with her tail raised up nice and high so cG can get a r33lly good look*
CG: KNOCK IT OFF
CG: I DON’T WANT TO LOOK AT YOUR FUCKING HUGE ASS
AC: :33 < are you suuuuuuure?
CG: VERY FUCKING SURE
AC: :33 < sooooo you wouldn’t want this even a little bit?
--arsenicCatnip [AC] sent carcinoCeneticist [CG] the file presentforkarkitty.jpg--
CG: WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF VIRUS DID YOU JUST SEND ME
CG: WAIT
CG: WHAT
CG: HOLY FUCK
CG: THAT’S
CG: IS THAT YOUR
AC: :33 < pawssibly!
CG: HOLY SHIT
CG: GODDAMN THAT IS A LOT OF NAKED ASS
CG: JESUS DID YOU JUST FUCKING TAKE THIS?
AC: :33 < maaaaayb3333!
AC: :33 < 3333p, equius is screaming at me to pull my pants up and he’s sweating a ton
AC: :33 < h33h33h33, i think ive pushed his buttons long enough, i better give him back his computer
AC: :33 < *aC hopes karkitty enjoys his present and will purrhaps come looking for more later!*
CG: MORE
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN MORE
AC: :33 < h33h33h33
AC: :33 < bye karkitty!
AC: :33 < *aC vanishes in a flash of fur and whiskers!*

-- arsenicCatnip [AC] has changed their trollhandle to centaursTesticle [CT]--

CT: D --> You will delete that photograph immediately
CT: D --> Karkat are you listening to me
CT: D --> I e%pressly forbade her from performing such a 100d act on my watch
CT: D --> All traces of it must be eliminated
CT: D --> Karkat
CT: D --> Darn it
CT: D --> Where are my towels
CG: JESUS
CT: D --> Did you hear me
CG: YEAH I FUCKING HEARD YOU
CT: D --> Then you will delete the image
CG: NO, I DON’T THINK I WILL
CT: D --> What
CG: WHAT KIND OF FUCKING FRIEND WOULD I BE TO CHUCK A GIFT IN THE TRASH
CG: THAT’S PRETTY FUCKING RUDE, DON’T YOU THINK
CT: D --> I
CT: D --> That is not
CT: D --> She
CT: D --> That does not count
CG: SURE IT FUCKING DOES
CG: IT WOULD BE INCREDIBLY RUDE OF ME TO THROW IT AWAY
CG: GIFTS FROM FRIENDS SHOULD BE TREASURED, YOU INSENSITIVE ASSHOLE
CG: IN FACT I THINK I’M GONNA GO FUCKING FRAME IT TO MY WALL RIGHT NOW
CG: LATER DOUCHE
CG: OH YEAH, AND FORGET WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT EARLIER
CG: IF SHE WANTS TO SHOW OFF HER ASS SHE HAS MY COMPLETE APPROVAL
CT: D --> You are intentionally trying to angry up my b100d
CT: D --> Aren’t you
CG: WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST FUCKING CLUE?

--carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling centaursTesticle [CT]--

CT: D --> I think
CT: D --> I need more towels
- 1
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KARKAT: FONDLY REGARD DAT ASS