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Tainted Minds	By : Madame_Anarchy Category: DC Verse Movies > The Dark Knight Views: 3671 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I don't own Batman's Universe or any of it's characters. I'm not writing this story for money.

Chapter List
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Two weeks passed in a very blurred way for Joker. His biological clock was getting messed up because he didn't know how the day was outside, he didn't even know if it was day or night since the room had no windows. Not that it mattered, he would rarely go out during the day unless it was necessary. It was all very confusing since the medicine made him feel sleepy and when he was awake the effect lingered for a while, making him feel some kind of hangover from it. But the sleep was never soothing, he would always feel betrayed by his eyes closing against his will and wake up agitated from nightmares he would have frequently. He was sleeping a lot, but never for eight hours straight.
He was getting better when it came to the infection, not having those dangerously high fevers he was having in the first days. For the first time in a good while, he felt his physical health improving, even at a slow pace. Today Batman promised to remove the stitches he made on his arm. Joker hated to look at his arms because he would often miss the feeling of cutting himself and because the sight of that last cut made him feel like he owned Batman his life, which was at least, hard to swallow. He even asked Batman to adjust the room's temperature for him to wear long sleeves or a coat.
His physical health was a working progress, but his mind was still a hostile place for him. He always had a very intense flow of thoughts, which he was used dealing with when those ideas were of things he wanted to do and plans for blowing things up. Every day a new crazy idea taking shape and becoming a plan to catch Batman's attention. Or just to entertain himself. But his thoughts and feelings were focused on other things now and his restless mind was punishing him a lot. There wasn't one day he didn't feel disgusted with himself, still a side effect of the abuse he had suffered. He would shift very abruptly from feeling angry and revolted to pure sorrow after the rage was gone, often incriminating himself for crossing the line by killing Rachel. He hated to be so fucking right. It really takes only one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. And that was valid not only for himself but for Batman too.
At this moment, he was on the sorrowed spectrum of his feelings. He decided to take a shower, in the hope it would make him feel better. He did manage to wash properly, leaving his arms to be the last thing he would clean, as always. But when he got to that part, a wave of unforgiving emotions rushed in his head, it almost felt like all the oxygen in the room had disappeared. He sat down on the floor, water falling on his body, he was breathless. Batman. That bastard had, indeed, saved him. By all the work his recovery was taking, it was every time clearer to him he would have died that night or not long after that if it weren't for Batman's change of heart. And he was there every single fucking day asking him if he felt better, bringing him food, sticking to his promise to help him. Joker hated to admit, but Batman was conquering his affection once again. Maybe not his trust, but the old feelings were threatening to return. He pressed his arm against his chest, his mouth contorted into a scream that never left his throat.
Some hours later Batman knocked on the door of the room and waited for the answer to enter. He was really trying to do everything he could to make Joker more comfortable around him, including giving him the right to say no to his visits. Sometimes he didn't want to see him at all, and Batman understood that.
"Can I come in?" he asked with his Batman voice
"Yes"
He showed up with some things like surgical scissors, tweezers, bandages, cotton and rubbing alcohol.
"I just sterilized the scissors" He informed while getting the chair, placing it closer to the bed and sitting on it. Joker sat close to him, but in the bed, taking off his coat and offering his arm so Batman could start removing the stitches.
Batman made a frustrated face and said, "I forgot the anesthetic, I'll be right back"
"Wait!" Joker said before he could get up from the chair "It's ok, just go on with it"
"It's just outside in a drawer, it won't be long"
"Just do it, dammit!"
Batman frowned under his mask, he didn't understand the reason for this request but did it anyway. He first cleaned the region with the cotton and alcohol. After that, he used the scissors to cut the first line very carefully. When he used the tweezer to pull the line, he got a glimpse of why the Joker didn't want any anesthetic. His expression changed, he seemed to enjoy that pain in his arm. And that was true. Joker was addicted to cutting and had been craving for it every day, but he had nothing to cut himself with ever since he got here. Batman gave him a razor to shave but waited outside the bathroom and got it back every time. The Bat wasn't careless for one second.
But there he was, trying to satisfy his masochism. It wasn't like cutting, the pain felt different, but the location of the pain pleased him. Batman observed it all through the process of removing the rest of the stitches and putting bandages on it. The vision was disturbing for him, he wasn't used seeing this kind of thing so closely, like a psychiatrist would. Joker wasn't even trying to hide the fact he was enjoying it.
When it was over, they remained silent for some time, but the silence wasn't awkward. They both wanted to talk to each other, they just didn't know how to start. They almost never talked for the sake of having a conversation, it was mostly like a doctor's appointment kind of conversation most of the times.
"Bats, just go ahead and say what you're thinking, you want to ask me something, right?"
Batman got a little upset with it, when did he become so easy to read?
"Actually… yes… It's a personal question, you don't have to answer it if you don't want"
The clown widened his eyes a little in surprise.
"Ok, try me… I'm listening"
"When did you start… you know… cutting your arms? And why?" He thought for a second of what he had asked, he knew why. "I mean… I don't understand why would someone cut when you're already in pain"
Joker never had someone ask him something like that on a personal level. It was always medical, like a checklist. He thought for a moment and answered.
"Well, looking at my face you can see cutting is something I do," he said, but added "I started some time after that first night… it's always been a way to deal with things for me… I can't really explain it… It's just that… I feel like everything is spinning around and my mind gets really loud, like voices screaming in my ears… And when I cut it all stops and I feel better almost instantly… but not for too long" saying that last part in a sad tone
Batman was feeling that pain in his throat, typical of someone who wanted to cry. He knew way too well how to conceal it, but it was there.
"But…" the bat said almost as a reflex but didn't finish his sentence. He was afraid to ask. He didn't want to hear what he already suspected of.
"What?" Joker asked analyzing him, trying to see through him.
"This cut I had to stitch… It's deeper and… it's in the direction of your blood flow, different from the others…" he stopped, both tensing up. "Were you trying to kill yourself?" he finally asked, voice cracking in the end.
The Joker didn't see this question coming. No one ever cared if he was suicidal, not even in Arkham. They had protocols for mentally unstable patients, but no one cared to know. He was used to people wanting him dead. He wanted Batman to feel as bad as he did, fill him up with guilt. But looking straight into his eyes, he decided to be honest with him. Just like before, he didn't want to be enemies anymore.
"Well… it did cross my mind recently… but that wasn't the intention. I wanted to feel pain, but I ended up doing it too carelessly that afternoon"
Batman felt a huge weight getting out of his shoulders. He was driving himself nuts with that idea. He made Joker cry and that was enough to snap him back to reality, but making him kill himself was a whole new level of guilt he wasn't prepared for. Joker noticed the man close to him seemed relieved, but was still processing the information looking down on the floor.
"Hey… I'm feeling better now…" he said in a reassuring tone, touching Batman's arm to make him look at him. It wasn't a "thank you". But Joker was somehow comforting him. Batman stopped thinking about everything else to realize that this was the first time Joker touched him willingly, maybe he didn't notice, but Batman surely did.
"I promised you I would help… it's the least I can do" It wasn't a "sorry" but he was recognizing the damage he caused.
"Well, then help me by bringing a couple of things for me, will you?" Joker said trying to dismiss the dark atmosphere surrounding them.
"Sure, just tell me what you want"
"Give me some paper and a pen, I'll think better and give you the list later"
"Anything in particular you would like for dinner?"
Company. That's what Joker thought but didn't dare to say.
"Do you have more of what I ate for lunch? It was good, I would eat it again"
"I do, I'll bring it to you. When?"
"About one hour"
"Alright" he said getting up from the chair to leave the room, noticing Joker's hand was still on his arm. "See you later"
"See you, bats"
Author's Note: Hello dear readers! I'm surprised by how much I've been into writing this story. If you have suggestions or comments you would like to share, don't be shy. I love receiving them ^^
I wish you all a Merry Christmas! :)
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Tainted Minds