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Desiderata	By : grimreaperchibi Category: Web Comics > Homestuck Views: 1782 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Homestuck, nor the places, people, or objects within. I make no money writing this.

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Temporal punishment came swiftly as the afternoon hours blurred together into indistinction, jerking Sollux back to consciousness via a firm kick to the ribs that nearly knocked him from the couch. Unable to put two and two together quickly enough, a second kick sent him flailing to the floor, narrowly missing the coffee table with his head. The fresh burst of adrenaline swept away the lingering lethargy and helped reboot his think-pan. Karkat…was attempting to look threatening from where he was still pressed against the corner of the couch. It was a little hard to take the posturing seriously, though. He was still pale, still shaking, and practically hiding behind the blanket.
“Good evening to you too, sunspot,” Sollux grumbled, picking himself up carefully. “Do you treat all guests this courteously, or am I just special?”
“Why are you here and how the taintchaffing fuck did you find me?” Karkat snarled.
“Most of my world revolved around computers, KK. How do you think I found you? And I wouldn’t have to be here if you were such a stubborn crab about taking care of yourself.” Sollux grabbed the medicine bottle and sincerely contemplated chucking it at the other troll. Something of a gentle toss is what he managed. “Speaking of which, take two. You’re probably up for another dose anyway.”
“Where the hell are you going?” The odd thread of panic in Karkat’s voice had Sollux pausing. Though there was no possible way he could have the energy to do as such, his friend looked ready to tackle him.
“The load gaper, if you don’t mind, then the nutrition block to see if you have anything that hasn’t gained self-awareness left to eat.” He didn’t wait for a response. Keenly aware of how his movements were being tracked, Sollux moved purposefully, first to the bathroom, then into the kitchen. Though he’d been through it all a couple of times already, he made a show of searching through the cabinets like it was his first. He wondered how much of Karkat’s food he could get away with eating. Between the use of his Vision, the prolonged flight here, and the help needed to get his friend onto the couch, the psionics had burned more than their fair share of calories. He was starving and feeling mildly sick from the sugar crash and residual anemia.
Middle ground was found in soup. Mild enough for a weak stomach, yet hearty enough to be filling. He still ended up mixing three cans of premade soup together and making a sandwich for himself before he was sure there was enough to go around. The presented bowl of mostly broth was taken without cynical comment, though Karkat did give him the “are you fucking kidding me?” eyebrow twitch when Sollux returned with his own, much larger, meal.
“Stuff it, Vantas,” he snapped before any real comment could be made. Karkat’s mouth remained shut and they ate in silence.
“So I guess this is where I’m supposed to say thank you,” Karakt finally ventured about halfway through.
“If it’s going to twist your nubs raw, then don’t worry about it,” Sollux replied around his second bowl of soup. “What you can do instead is start taking care of yourself. You’re obviously well enough off to take a few sick-days here and there.”
“It was a little fever. No big deal.”
“Big enough to knock you unconscious for five nights.” That earned a startled look. “Yeah, five, dipshit, and now everyone thinks I’m fucking crazier for worrying about it in the first place. Hacking you IP wasn’t something I did for shits and giggles, you know. I told you I understood wanting privacy and I meant it. But you fucking disappeared, KK, leaving me the last asshole to see you. That’s a guilt I can totally live without.”
Feeling like he was on the verge of saying something he didn’t understand or want to accept, Sollux started cleaning up to distract himself. What was left of the soup got packaged up and put away. All the dishes were washed, dried, and returned to their rightful places. It didn’t keep him active long enough to truly clear out his thoughts. Since there was really no place to pretend, he went back to the living room. Karkat looked appropriately contrite, but said nothing, fidgeting instead with the hem of the blanket.
“I’m sorry, okay?” he sighed in exasperation after a few moments of stilted silence.
“I don’t want you to be sorry, KK. What I want is you screaming obscenities in my ear every fifth night when my kill count turns out to be higher than yours.”
“You just want someone to gloat to.”
“What’s the point of having the high score if you can’t gloat?”
Karkat rolled his eyes. “Okay, okay, fine. I’ll take better care of myself. I promise.” He paused, suddenly nervous. “You’re…you won’t tell anyone where I am, will you?”
Now it was Sollux’s turn to sigh in exasperation. “You keep acting like a whiny wiggler and I’ll tell Kanaya,” he threatened, adjusting the dislodged blanket because it gave him something to do. “But otherwise—” He jerked back in confusion as Karkat suddenly curled into himself. “KK?!” He touched his friend’s shoulder and was hissed at for the effort. “For fuck’s sake… Breathe, dumbass. I know it hurts, but you have to breathe though stomach cramps.”
He recognized the maneuver from the Vision and wondered if broth had been a good idea to start with. Slowly, he got the other to unfurl and relax, but when his hand reached for the presumably tender area, it was slapped away. Two more tries were met with similar success. “Will you just relax? I’m trying to help.”
“I’m fine,” Karkat gritted back.
“The hell you are.” This time, Sollux reached out with his psionics. Karkat swore as he was held down, but that only lasts as long as it took for a physical hand to land on his stomach. Despite keeping the touch purposefully light, every reaction the other troll had was one of pain. Immensely concerned about something more serious than a muscle cramp, Sollux ripped away the blanket and pushed Karkat’s shirt aside, carefully tracing his fingers along the surprisingly toned abdomen, trying to pinpoint the source of discomfort.
He expected it to be high, somewhere along the diaphragm, or maybe a bit off to the side from a muscle tweaked by improper positioning. The only tension he found, however, was the same pain-induced tension found everywhere else. Slowly, Sollux started probing down further, growing more concerned and confused as he went. There was no sign of true pain until his fingers reached the waistband of Karkat’s pants. That’s when he also noticed the faint red swelling there and felt something lurch in his own stomach. Completely ignoring the pleases to do otherwise, he used his psionics to pull the sweatpants down just enough to see.
For a minute, all Sollux could do was stare because he didn’t want to think about what he was seeing. Karkat was still whining softly, shifting in discomfort, or embarrassment, or probably both, but the sound was distant and partially disconnected. The only thing in the world that was horribly, terribly real at the moment was the swollen and bruised bone bulge he was currently staring dumbfounded at. Everything between KK’s hips looked painfully tight, mottled with discoloration as it went further down until there was nothing except inflamed red at the juncture of his legs. Sollux ghosted a hand over the too-hot skin, trying to unsee, unthink the implications. Even that much pressure had Karkat writhing in pain. Tears ran unheeded as he struggled within the psionic grip keeping him pinned down, choking on sounds that seemed to be screams.
Reality finally sunk in. Nausea warred with the need to splatter the walls with blood. The bulge was infected, severely so, and considering all of a troll’s reproductive organs were enclosed within the body for a reason, there was a very short list of ways any of it could be damaged enough to become infected like this. And then Sollux remembered how skittish his friend had been out on the street, withdrawn, tired, cold, and uneasy after his meeting with Eridan. Eridan, who had threatened Karkat enough to get the reluctant troll out in public. That short list narrowed immediately to one answer: rape.
The sound of static filled his ears as the urge to disembowel something increased even though his conclusion made zero sense. Eridan was an arrogant asshole with a melodramatic bent, but Karkat was one of the few trolls he didn’t actively attempt to piss off or fight with. Karkat was one of the most capable fighters in their group—he’d more than earned his title as Knight. But Sollux couldn’t ignore the possibility, either. He had to bow his head and clench his hands as he attempted to wrestle his powers back into line. It had been a very long time since they had jumped so badly out of his control that it took a lot of teeth grinding and even breathing to regain something close to a safe amount of mastery; just enough that he could look at his friend and demand an answer without completely flying off the handle.
“Who?” he finally asked quietly.
“Wh-what?”
He took another slow, deep breath to tighten the leash on his anger a little more. “Who did this to you?” The return of silence frayed his restraint. “Tell me!” he growled as the windows rattled with the short burst of power that also manifested.
Wide red eyes stared at him, obviously terrified and anger totally wasn’t what Karkat needed from him right now, but damned if Sollux could let it go enough to be gentle and understanding in this moment. He bared his teeth in an effort to vent some of his simmering rage, but all it did was make Karkat cringe and yelp, “No one! No one did anything!”
“Liar!!” This time, the whole room shook.
“I’m not lying! I live in the middle of godforsaken nowhere. I buy everything online, including groceries, and the first time I’ve been out of this fucking hive since I moved in was a week ago to see Eridan. No one’s done anything to me.” There were still tears staining his cheeks, but Karkat had gathered enough strength to glare. “Please, Sollux, just leave. I’ll be fine in a few days, now that the fever’s broken up. It’ll go away just like it always does and I’ll be fine.”
“…Just like it—” Shock stalled out anger. “This has happened before?”
Karkat flushed and looked away. “Yes, fuckass, it’s happened before. It happens pretty regularly, if you must know. It’s just been somewhat worse this time around, is all. I’ve never passed out from the fever before, but I wasn’t exactly allowed to wait it out, either.”
A couple of the inconsistencies flipped themselves over in Sollux’s mind, bridging gaps and filling holes and suddenly, there was a very different picture being painted. If it wasn’t rape, then the only other answer was… He sighed and rubbed his temple, trying to ease the sudden headache forming there. “KK, when was the last time you pailed?”
The flush turned from a light dusting of pink to bright scarlet. “F-fuck you!” he managed to stammer out after hissing like a kettle for a few minutes.
“AA helped me with that last week,” Sollux deadpanned. “Now answer the question. When was the last time you filled a bucket?” The longer it took Karkat to answer, the more assured Sollux became in his own conclusion. He waited it out, though. He’d already made the wrong assumption once. Until he heard it directly from his friend’s mouth, he wasn’t going to act on his knowledge.
“All right, fine,” Karkat muttered, studiously focused on the ceiling and nothing else. It looked like all the blood in his body was sitting in his face. Even his hair seemed to take on the cherry hue because of the force of his embarrassment. “I’ve never pailed, okay? I’ve thought about it, I’ve wanted to, it’s just…” He shrugged a bit helplessly. “I’ve had other things to do. It never seemed that important once everything ended and everyone came back. And…and I know it doesn’t matter anymore, but I‘m still a mutant freak.”
“And you’ve killed off every red relationship before it got that far,” Sollux added when Karkat went silent. A slight nod was all he got for conformation. He sighed heavily, feeling all his earlier anger turning into frustration. “Jesus fucking Christ, KK, I always knew you were a dumbass, but this is too stupid, even for you. Did you skip that lesson in your schoolfeeding, or just assume your shitty romcoms knew better?”
“Shut up!”
“No! Because even Kankri is smart enough to remember that the body has to expel its genetic material once a perigree after sexual maturation. And he wouldn’t know what to do with a bucket if someone bent him over one.” Sollux had to get up, move, and hope the movement would keep his thoughts from tripping over themselves any more than they already were. “I mean, fuck, the first couple of times are really goddamn important. Curiosity alone should have helped with that. And it’s not like we’re still stuck in the ‘fuck or die’ era here. You don’t have to have a concupiscent partner to do it…you don’t have to have a partner at all! I mean it’s nice when someone else is around and I admit AA’s had to goad me into it a couple times, but still, I haven’t blatantly…” He trailed off as his thoughts reordered themselves again.
After the game had ended, a lot of relationships had broken up. Some had survived, but not many. Everyone was alive after all and second chances abounded. Feferi hadn’t been interested in continuing their matespritship when the dust had finally settled. Not that he blamed her—spending as much time as he had mixed up with Eridan as a sprite had really screwed up his own feeling for her. Since then, he hadn’t exactly been eager to try and fill that quadrant a third time. Even now, he wasn’t really interested. Being able to be pale with Aradia helped keep him in line, as was the duty of a moirail. So where was Karkat’s diamond shield? Where was the one who should have stopped this before it started? Prevented it from getting this bad? Helped this along as naturally as possible when the idiot refused to take care of it himself? Where was Gamzee and why the fuck had he let this go on like it had?
He asked, and there was no reply. Karkat went shy on him again, giving evasive answers, if he answered at all. The anger came back. Gamzee was psychotic, unpredictable, and a general menace. Terezi was proof he could fuck someone up long after a relationship ended. But he had been a damn good moirail for their volatile leader. High enough in the spectrum to offer near ultimate protection, laid back enough to not take the rambling personally, and stubborn enough that he could pierce the “fuck you” attitude Karkat wore like armour. Of all the relationships that would have survived, the pale between Gamzee and Karkat had come in right after Mituna and Latula’s flush.
“It’s not his fault!” the other troll finally snapped in frustration, tears beading in his eyes again. “You don’t have a fucking clue what it’s been like since the game ended. For him. For me. So shut your fucking mouth or I’ll shut it for you!”
The situation in front of him was all the “clue” Sollux felt he needed on the matter. There was another click in his mind, however. No, he didn’t know what it had been like for many of the others. With the exception of Aradia, his interactions remained mostly limited to online with anyone from his old circle of friends. There were a couple of the semi-ancestors he associated with as well, but for the most part, his list of physical contacts remained small. Until now, online had been the only way he’d interacted with Karkat at all. He’d never seen Gamzee, though, never even heard second hand information about him. Now that he thought about it, the murder clown had been completely absent from their new world and new lives. Other than to express a sort of universal “fuck that guy” sentiment, no one else had even noted that fact.
“What happened after the game?” he finally asked, watching as Karkat quietly broke down into tears again. “KK, what happened to you and GZ after we won?”
“W-won?” There was a wet sneer. “Right. Sure. We’ll go with that.”
“Tell me.”
“Just let it go.”
“No. Tell me what happened.”
“You don’t understand.”
“I’m trying to, but I’m the only one doing any talking here. Do you have any idea how wrong all of this is, KK?” he continued before he could be put off again. “I know I’m a douchenozzle of a friend, but fuck, I want to help you. Stop fighting with me for ten fucking seconds and let me, you paranoid asshole!”
After a couple tense moments, during which it looked like he was going to continue arguing, Karkat relaxed instead. Deflated in defeat might have been a better description. Everything went lax so suddenly that Sollux was half afraid the other had passed out again.
“Swear…” he said softly, blinking the excess moisture from his eyes. “Swear to me you won’t…do something. Anything. You, you can open the door. You can look, but you can’t—you can’t—go inside. Swear that you won’t. Swear that no matter what you feel, you won’t touch him. Because if you do, I will fuck you up, Captor. I will fuck you up so badly your corpse party will be celebrated with your body present in a fucking glass.”
Sollux blinked. Not only was that the most creative insult he’d heard so far, but the protective growl of a moirail was behind every word, unmistakable despite how the voice wavered. Karkat still obviously took his part of their relationship seriously. No matter what had happened after the game, their pale had not broken. He could only give back an equally serious response.
“I swear on Aradia’s life, no harm shall come from me.”
“…he’s upstairs.” All the strength had finally left Karkat’s voice. He looked absolutely broken for admitting as much, tears falling faster than he could wipe them away. “First door on the left.”
Barely nodding in acknowledgement and hesitating over whether he should be moving toward or away from his friend, Sollux headed for the stairs. The second floor was entirely too quiet. Gamzee had always been the type to make a lot of noise, so the marked absence was shocking and troubling. He paused at the indicated door and just listened, trying to get a feel for what he was walking into. There was a very faint honk on the other side, a pause, a honk, a pause. Rhythmic, like breathing. Sollux twisted the doorknob and let the door swing open.
The walls had been lined with posters no sane person would be caught sleeping in a room with. The usual debris of Faygo bottles, bike horns, and other assorted Gamzee-esque belongings were strewn about in oddly neat clusters, as if they’d been placed, not left. There was a modified human bed, around which was some expensive looking medical equipment and on which was the troll in question. He was thin, pale, and without make-up, breathing easily with a slight smile still curling his lips.
Sollux closed the door as quietly as he could, then turned to lean against the nearby wall. The occasional hitching sob that drifted up the stairs said more than all the words could have. The isolation, the reluctance, the rapid switch between fierce aggression and rending sorrow made sense now. Sollux closed his eyes and thumped his head against the wall, feeling like twelve different kinds of an ass.
Gamzee couldn’t help Karkat because he’d never woken up again.
***
To be conitnued.
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Desiderata