Harley's Heroine Heist | By : solddate Category: DC Verse Comics > Birds Of Prey Views: 79413 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 2 |
Disclaimer: Birds of Prey and all related characters belong to DC Comics as do all characters included in this story. This is a non-profit series written by several individuals who gained no profit for writing the chapters for which they are credited. |
The Stacked Deck, to steal a line from a great movie, you'll never find a greater hive of scum and villainy.
"Ugh," Dr. Barbara Minerva groaned, trying to fight off her gag reflex. Her heightened sense of smell was not serving her well, the overwhelming scents of vomit, urine and other foul substances emanating from the dive bar across the street, causing her cat like features wrinkle in disgust under her fur. "Please tell me you're joking, Ravager..." Cheetah pleaded with her assigned partner for the night. "This can't be the only place to get infomation on this Harley woman."
"I don't joke, Cheetah," Rose Wilson, aka Ravager and estranged daughter of the assassin Deathstroke, answered stoically. The young woman turned her good eye to her temporary comrade before continuing, "and while it's not our 'only' option for gathering the intel we need, it 'is' our 'best' option given that we are in competition to find Harley Quinn first." The trained assassin explained as she moved to leave their vantage point on the roof of an abandoned hotel across the street from the bar.
"Wait, please tell me you're not actually taking the Joker's offer seriously...?" The feline woman asked in exasperation, her bemused stare following the silver haired teenager, who then paused and looked back with a questioning expression.
"He paid my fee, thus I am obligated to carry out the contract." Ravager explained in a matter-of-fact manner. It wasn't the entire truth, but Cheetah didn't need to hear anymore. "If he continues to pay, I will continue to work for him. If he doesn't, I will leave."
"So...the fact that he is a complete lunatic doesn't bother you?" Cheetah asked incredulously, she just couldn't understand how this 18 year old 'girl' could be so calm about the idea of working with that madman. Even if Ravager's uniform reflected her father's, her youth just seemed to inspire some unfamiliar maternal instincts in the older villainess.
"No, and if I recall, didn't you escape with him from Arkham?" Cheetah didn't really have an answer to that, so the young mercenary continued, "If the idea of working with him makes you so uncomfortable, then why are you here?"
"I refuse to owe that... man, if he can truly be called that, a favour!" Cheetah hissed, bringing her clawed fingers to the bridge of her nose in frustration at the fact she was working for such vermin as the Joker. "I have no grudge against this Harley Quinn, but if handing her over makes Joker forget I was even part of that breakout, I consider it a small price to pay." The less Barbara had to think about that the better. The Joker wasn't someone she would even wish upon her worst enemy, let alone someone she'd never even met. Just the wide variety of rumours about exactly how the clown had broken Harley Quinn's mind were just some of the many reasons Cheetah felt that way. "And Ravager," the former archaeologist added with a far darker tone, "I will thank you to never compare me to him again."
"So noted, I apologize." Ravager answered professionally to which Barbara nodded in acceptance, losing her threatening demeanour. "Shall we proceed?"
"If we must."
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The one thing that Barbara Gordon truly loved about her bed was that it was soft. Warmth was often an afterthought when she awoke in the mornings, it wasn't like she could feel the cold air outside the covers with her toes. No, what made her lie in on those occasional lazy days her life afforded was the feel of her soft plushie pillows and memory foam mattress. It allowed her to just let go of the aches and pains that often built up in her upper body. It was in these brief moments between dreaming and being fully awakened to the world that Barbara could just forget her troubles and snuggle into her comfy headrest.
"Hehe."
Did the pillow just giggle? No, that couldn't be right... Still content, and happy to blame the noise on her dozy imagination, the former Batgirl kept her eyes closed and wiggled her head further into the soft cushions to see if it would provoke the same reaction, inhaling deeply as she did.
"Mmmm."
Oracle frowned, it wasn't the same reaction, but it was a reaction nonetheless. A deep sensuous moan that rumbled through the pillow, jiggling it against Barbara's cranium like...flesh? Wait... since when did her pillows smell like exotic perfume?
This warranted inspection, had she gone to bed with someone the night before and forgotten? That didn't sound right, she didn't have the headache that would accompany an amnesic hangover. As she stumbled over this more and more, her mind finally began to clear and the notion that she was in bed quickly faded. She was in her chair, the background noise indicated she was in the Nest's monitor room, but her head was resting against something soft, malleable and strong scented. At this point, Oracle's common logic returned and she decided, begrudgingly, to open her eyes.
"Huh, wha--?" Barbara murmured as her blurred vision focused in on the face looking down at hers.
"Mornin', Barbie girl," Zatanna, a very different looking Zatanna, said with a sultry smile, "pleasant dreams?" She asked, and then winked as she added, "Any about me?"
"Za-Zatanna!?" Barbara blanched as she stared up at the sorceress. The magical woman was holding Oracle's head to her chest, the shirt and bra she was wearing inviting Barbara to look deep into her impressive cleavage, but the redhead's blue eyes were transfixed on the other woman's face in panic. Despite the key differences that her inner detective would have scolded her for missing, all Barbara saw was Joker make-up. "N-no..."
"Oh yes, baby," Zee-Zee replied, tightening her grip on Barbara's hair, being careful to not harm her captive in any way. "Shhh," she soothed, having recognized the panic in the computer whiz's eyes. Using her free hand to stroke Oracle's fiery mane, the raven haired beauty tenderly whispered, "I'm not with him, I promise. I answer only to my Mistress, Harley Quinn."
"Oh," Barbara began, her tone dry and sarcastic as she tried to pull back from the other woman's boobs, "that makes me feel so much better!"
"It should, babe--ah!" Zee-Zee gasped when Oracle all but punched one of her tits in an attempt to escape the sensitive mounds. "Mmm, so ya like it rough, huh? I'll have to remember that!" The witch's chest rumbled with laughter, her impressive breasts bouncing upside Barbara's temple until Zee-Zee finally relinquished her hold, but before Oracle could even begin to move away in her chair another voice piped up.
"Oooh, you're so totally right, Mistress Zee-Zee!" Barbara immediately swung her head around to see a lithe blonde woman, openly masturbating atop the hacker's mini-fridge with a vacant, dumb look in her blue eyes. Again, Barbara couldn't help focusing on the white facepaint, but this time noticed the black domino mask design painted over the blonde's eyes. It really didn't scream Joker, nor did either of her captors' outfits. "We could, like, use all the naughty toys Mistress Harley keeps on the walls!" She cooed, panting in time with the things in her thong. "That'd be so hooooot...."
The... bimbo, was the only word Oracle could come up with and the voice really wasn't helping, was dressed in overtly sexy, Harley Quinn themed attire much like the outfit Zatanna was wearing. Both screamed 'Fuck me right here and now!' with opposing red & black fishnet stockings and boots, with sheer panties. For the top, Zee-Zee sported a too-tight version of her tuxedo shirt, lace red bra and red & black patterned top hat and jacket. The blonde wore a black corset tied with red laces, but the wearer had pulled it down to expose...
'Are those things real!?' The blonde bimbo's tits were fucking huge, they'd put Power Girl to shame! Barbara couldn't help following the bouncing melons with her eyes, her jaw agape. They were literally incredible, in fact, the woman herself was just unbelievable. She was just sat there giggling and moaning at Oracle, happily fingering her barely concealed sex with one hand and proudly squeezing one of her I-cup breasts for her audience with the other.
"Like you'd even know how to use S&M gear!" Oracle blurted out before she could even stop herself.
Seizing on Sugah's distraction, Zee-Zee pounced, "Riahc reh ot kcuts smraerof s'elcarO."
"Huh-- What!?" Panic once again began to take hold of Oracle's mind as both her arms, from elbow to wrist, rooted themselves to her chair's armrests.
"Calm down, Babs." The corrupted Zatanna pleaded with genuine concern, trying to calm her soon-to-be sister slave by placing a gentle hand on the redhead's shoulder. She wanted Barbara to be happy as soon as possible, but at the same time, she knew she couldn't rush things.
Harley had been very specific about how Oracle should understand what was going to happen to her. The Mistress had grown to respect the original Batgirl over their years as rivals and the jester wanted Zee-Zee to acknowledge that.
A few nights before, when Harley had first set about deciding who she wanted to add to her harem, Zee-Zee hadn't needed to magically conjure the lightbulb that went off in her Mistress' mind. In seconds, Harley had started bouncing up and down on the bed she'd been sharing with her slaves, declaring, "The original BG was a rootin'-tootin', head spinnin', butt kickin', ass swingin' Batbabe! She was so fuckin' hot she got her own trilogy! She's gotta be mine!" However, when only the absent minded Sugah had joined Harley in her enthusiasm, it had fallen to Zee-Zee to explain why Barbara had retired and who she was now.
What followed had been a whirlwind of tears, tender cuddles, angry curses, passionate kisses, and almost brutal fuckings as Harley Quinn's sorrow and disbelief soon turned to vengeful anger towards her creator, the Joker. Every one of Harley's loyal whores, even the Kryptonian Power Slut, had been laid out one by one by their Mistress' blazing hot fury. All four heroic ladies left drooling in mindless euphoria, and even then Harley hadn't stopped. For hours, the madwoman switched between her pets, pounding their tender cunts with the 9-inch strap-on she'd blindly grabbed from her toybox as she vented her anger. Theodyssey only came to an end when Harley explained her plans for tonight to Zee-Zee whilst fucking the witch to her sixth climax, doggy style. The insane blonde had then finally collapsed onto Zee-Zee's back, unconscious from exhaustion, plastic cock still deep in her slave's pussy.
"Mmmm," Zee-Zee shivered, lost in the erotic memory until she felt Barbara pull her shoulder away from her grasp. "Oh, sorry," she said with a sheepish grin in reply to Oracle's look of disbelief, "I got a lil' carried away in my thoughts there."
"Uh-huh..." Barbara trailed off, resuming her attempts to move her arms.
"Oracle, please, give my magic a lil' credit," the corrupted sorceress implored her old friend with an amused shake of her head.
"Zatanna, I don't know what's happened to you and the..." Oracle paused, holding back the word bimbo to describe the third woman in the room. Exerting extra force to trying to lift her left arm from the armrest, the redhead continued as politely as she could, "...the blonde over there, but I'm not just gonna let you take me!" Weighing her options, Barbara then shifted her efforts to try and mask the fact she was reaching for the panic button under her computer console.
"It's not gonna work," Zee-Zee answered with a knowing smile, locking eyes with the young woman. Leaning her butt against the computer station, Zee-Zee bent down, deliberately giving Oracle a perfect view of her cleavage, and reached under the desk to press the alarm switch.
Nothing happened.
"See?" The magician asked, having never broken eye contact with the hacker.
"It's a silent alarm!" Barbara tried desperately.
"True, but I know you, Babs," Zee-Zee hummed, standing to her full height, "and I know you'd have included some kinda subtle alarm bell so you know when it's working." She was right, and they both knew it. One of Barbara's computer monitors was supposed to have switched to the screensaver in time with the alarm's activation, and yet the assigned screen remained active, still showing a map of Gotham's subways. "I just didn't know where you kept the button. Sugah over there gave me a few hints." Oracle followed Zee-Zee's nod to stare at the bimbo in the corner, how the hell did that dumb blonde know where her panic buttons were!? "But you confirmed this one," the clown faced witch explained with a tap on the console. The redhead didn't turn back to her though, which made Zee-Zee grin.
"Oooo-fsp," Sugah cooed before biting her lip, still trying to be totally quiet like she'd been told. She'd only spoke up to get Barbie to look at her and not Mistress Zee-Zee, and it looked like the sexy magician was happy with her. That made Sugah happy too. It made her feel totally fucking hot! Barbie was looking at her again now, that only made Sugah feel even hotter! Taking firm hold of her humongous titty, Sugah lifted her rock hard nipple to her mouth with a sultry wink to her captive audience. The bimboslut then wrapped her soft plump lips around the stiff nub and sucked hard, moaning loudly against her jiggling boob.
"Who even--?" Oracle trembled as she watched the wanton display of carnal lust. The idea that this whore of a woman could have been anyone she trusted to show the inner workings of the Nest was terrifying, and at the same time... Barbara couldn't help but be almost mesmerized by the sex crazed slut.
"You don't need to be quiet right now, Sugah," Zee-Zee chuckled, "tell Babs who you used to be."
"Oooo, sure thing, Mistress..." Sugah husked, letting her breast fall away from her mouth, the large nipple glazed with her saliva. "Hiya, Barbie," she raised her free hand to daintily wave her fingers at the redhead staring at her in disbelief, "'member me?" Sugah giggled as Barbara just shook her head slowly, all the while the blonde kept teasing her pussy with the hand buried in her panties. "No? Aww, too bad," she pouted briefly before showing off her brilliantly white grin, "but, like, I don't blame ya. I was so totally borin' before! No fun at all! Gawd, I was such a total stick in the mud! Borin' ol' Dinah, that was me!"
Barbara couldn't help scoffing at the notion. This slut was supposed to be Dinah Lance!? The Black Canary, a role model to all superheroines, de facto leader of the Birds of Prey and former chairwoman of the JLA!? Oracle simply did not believe her. It wasn't a question of whether she wouldn't or couldn't accept the idea that such a strong willed and dignified woman like Dinah could fall so far as to turn into the whore before her. Barbara just didn't believe this bimbo's words.
"Okay... If you expect me to believe that, you've officially lost it..." Oracle said, eyeballing the horny bimbo worriedly.
"Hehe, like, thanks!" Sugah giggled, oblivious to the fact Oracle did not believe her, though perfectly happy to take being called insane as a compliment. Sliding her soaked fingers out of her quim, the bimbo lapped up every drop of her own sweet nectar from her digits with her tongue. "But I haven't lost it, you know," Canary hummed, now moving both hands to her enormous rack, "I just gave it all to Mistress Harley!" Mashing her palms against her nipples, Sugah attacked her supersoft, sensitive titties, crying out in delight as she voiced her new philosophy. "Now I totally don't gotta worry about nothing! Oh, oh, it feels so goooood, Barbie! No silly rules! No stupid Ollie! I just gotta do what I'm told and I getta fuck all of Harley's angels! I get to lick all their tasty pussies and suck on their lovely tits! And they all fuck me back! Rrrgh, I'mma totally horny bimboslut now! I'm Mistress Harley's big-boobied, bimboslut slave! I'm the Sugah Canary!"
"Mmm, don't hold back, Sugah," Zee-Zee moaned from behind Barbara. The twisted witch was groping her own breast through her tight shirt, her other hand tracing over her wet panties from watching the wanton display. "You have my permission to have a screamer..." Zee-Zee husked, but then quickly added, "No powers though!"
"Oh gawd, thanks, Mistress!" The blonde's blue eyes shot open as wide as they could go, her bust bouncing under hands as her back arched in ecstasy, "Ahhh! I'm so fucking horny, Barbie! I'm gonna cum from feelin' my titties! Please watch me cum, Barbie! Oh, oh, gawd--AHHHH!"
Barbara just sat there, jaw hanging open as she watched the bimbo cum and cum hard. It was so perverse and repulsive, and yet... she couldn't turn away, or stop her own nipples from stiffening under her shirt. From behind her glasses, her eyes followed the trail of arousal dripping down the fishnet bound thighs and over skin tight boots all the way to the floor. Barbara was a bisexual, with a strong lean towards the male side of the menu, but... this bimbo really lived up to the title, and as the supposed former Black Canary slid from her seat on Oracle's mini-fridge to the floor, her euphoric expression awoke a sense of curious envy within the redhead.
Could Barbara truthfully say she'd ever been that happy? Had she ever felt that good? What was it like to have an orgasm that intense? Oracle doubted she even could experience such a climax, thanks to her paralysis, and she couldn't deny that deep down in the depths of her mind she wanted to swap places with the blissful bimbo.
"It'd be nice, wouldn't it?" Zee-Zee mused from next to her.
"Huh?" Oracle didn't turn back, still far too engaged with the sight of Sugah, and Zee-Zee took the opportunity to take out a small tube of lipstick from inside her bra.
"To just let go like that and give in to pleasure," the sorceress explained, coating her red lips with a coat of the clear balm before placing it back in her lingerie. "To let someone else take away all the bad in our lives and just embrace how damn good we can really feel."
"Zatanna I--" Barbara began but stopped as Zee-Zee swiftly moved to stand in front of her, between the hacker and her console with the curvaceous woman crouching slightly to bring their eyes level.
"But you just can't do that, can you Babs?" The witch sighed sadly, continuing on too quickly for Barbara to answer. "You just can't let go of the idea that someone will get hurt if you're not looking out for them. Keeping eyes and ears on everyone you care about 'cos you know what it means to be alone in this city." Zee-Zee paused to let those words sink in. "That's why, no matter what this city throws at you, you never stop watching. Always leaving one eye open to protect your friends and anyone else you can, never taking a moment to stop and care about yourself."
"Because people get hurt when no-one's watching, Zatanna!" Barbara defended, momentarily forgetting the bizarre changes that had befallen her friends. "No one, not the police, not Batman, not even I can always be there when someone needs protecting! But I have to try! I have to try and stop what happened to me from happening to anyone else!" Oracle argued with tears forming in her eyes. There would never be a day where she didn't relieve the fear she had felt at the hands of the Joker the day he crippled her.
It wasn't even the moment when he'd fired that haunted her, no, it was the hours that followed... When his men had stripped her at his direction, posed her helpless form for the pictures they would later use to try and break her father's mind... They could have done more... They could have done so much worse than just a few photographs, but those hours of pure helplessness had been the worst of Barbara's young life. From the moment she had opened her apartment door to that soulless grin to the instant she was finally able to crawl to the phone and dial 911, after the villain had left to torture her father, and hear the operator's voice on the other end, Barbara had been alone.
No-one had known of her attack until hours after it had begun. No-one would have been able to save her. She could have died all alone and no-one would have been any wiser.
"If no-one looks out for you... If you're alone in this city... It will hurt you," she sniffed, allowing her tears to finally begin to fall as she continued to look into her corrupted friend's eyes. "I want to protect people, Zatanna! I want to protect my friends in anyway I can... but it's not enough..." Breaking eye contact, Oracle lowered her head in shame with her tears falling from her cheeks onto her lap. "I can't even protect you, not even Dinah (if that is Dinah)..."
"Shhh," Zee-Zee soothed, lifting the crying hacker's chin in palm, "we're big girls with superpowers and magic, Babs. We shoulda been able to look after ourselves."
"But--"
"But nothin'," Zee-Zee cut her captive off by tapping a finger on the redhead's lips, "We shoulda been lookin' out for ourselves, but instead we got caught playin' heroine by the one person who will always look out for us now." The lustful witch explained as if it were the most obvious thing in the world while standing back to full height. "And now Mistress Harley wants to look out for you too."
"What do you mean?" Barbara asked, staring up at the other woman fearfully.
Zee-Zee didn't answer immediately, first she raised her left hand and waved her fingers daintily to wordlessly summon a DVD disc. Then the scantily sorceress turned on the heels of her boots to face the computer station, bending over deliberately to give Oracle an unguarded view of her fishnet covered thighs and her perfectly smooth butt as her binkini panties sank between the cheeks. Sliding the disc into a toaster like slot in the main computer tower, Zee-Zee wiggled her hips and smiled when she looked back to find Barbara's gaze following her rump helplessly in a haze of fear and attraction.
"What I mean, Babs," Zee-Zee replied, setting up the display on the screen so the movie would play once she hit 'Enter', "is that my Mistress wishes to not only give you what want, but what you need." Turning back to Oracle once more, Zee-Zee crouched on her heels and took hold of the redhead's right hand in both her own, looking up into Barbara's distraught gaze. "What you want is the ability to protect and help those you love in every way you can, and what you need is some serious TLC. My Mistress can give you both and, Barbara, please believe me when I say that I want to help her do so. Not because she commands me to, 'cos she didn't. Not even because I want to give her everything she desires, which I definitely do."
"Then why, Zatanna?" Barbara whimpered tearfully, unable to pull her hand away due to her arm still being stuck to her chair. She couldn't even look away from Zatanna's tainted blue eyes, they were the eyes of the sorceress she had been proud to call a friend. Right now, all the sapphic lust and giddy madness that had plagued the witch's actions so far tonight were taking a back seat. Even though the magician had just affirmed her new found loyalty to a madwoman, Barbara could see the caring heart that had made Zatanna Zatara a superheroine shining through. The shame of her failure to protect the woman in front of her surged once more and Barbara finally turned her head away. "Why would you want to save someone who couldn't save you?"
"Because, Barbara..." Zee-Zee lifted her right hand to cup Barbara's cheek in her palm, squeezing the redhead's fingers with her left. The witch then coaxed the hacker into facing her again with a gentle pull and straightened her legs before leaning forward to bring them face to face. With a coy, little grin, Zee-Zee winked to her captive as she noticed Oracle's teary eyes steal a glance at her cleavage and said, "...because I love you."
"Zata--!?" Oracle hadn't known how to respond and Zee-Zee didn't give her the chance, planting her lips firmly against Barbara's own. Reeling from the night's events, Barbara's resistance was delayed and, in the end, very brief. Almost instantly, her thoughts began to fade, her body letting out a deep sigh of relief as the lipstick on Zatanna's lips numbed her mind and all her worries drifted away. Within moments of the kiss beginning, Barbara's genius mind was all but gone, her lips parting reflexively to allow Zee-Zee's tongue to explore her mouth and let herself be carried away by the magical woman's passion.
"Mmmm," Zee-Zee husked when she finally pulled away from the redhead and stood back to her full height, "delicious."
"Ooooh-fsp!" Catching the moan of clear arousal, Zee-Zee looked back over to her sister slave. Sugah was lying on her side, still exhausted from her previous orgasm, but the sight of her second Mistress subduing her new sister had proven too much to ignore. Silently as she could, Sugah had started squeezing and pinching her exposed titties once again. However, despite her best efforts, the blonde hadn't been able to stifle the moan she'd let out from seeing the two sexy heroines making out.
"Shhh, Sugah," Zee-Zee said softly to assure Canary she wasn't upset, placing a finger to her lips, "you can keep playing, like I said. Just keep it down, okay?" The panting Sugah nodded from her place on the floor, smiling vacantly as she lowered a hand into her panties.
Moving her focus back to the docile Oracle, Zee-Zee spoke, "Smra esaeler." This freed Barbara's arms from the rests of her chair, both falling loosely into her lap. "Can ya hear me, Barbara?"
"Yes..." The computer specialist answered in monotone.
"That's very good," Zee-Zee grinned, "do you know who I am?"
"You are Zatanna..."
"Yes, but I now prefer the name my Mistress has given me, Zee-Zee," she explained, "could you please call me that from now on, Barbara?"
"Yes, Zee-Zee..." Oracle replied, seeing no reason to argue. If Zatanna wished to be called Zee-Zee, then she was called Zee-Zee.
"Excellent!" Zee-Zee beamed, happy things were going smoothly. "In fact, can I call you, Babs?" Oracle consented, Zee-Zee's smile growing wider, her pearly whites shining between her ruby red lips. "Now then, we're friends, aren't we, Babs?"
"Yes, we are..." This fact was still very much true in Barbara Gordon's mind.
"And ya trust me, don't you? " The witch inquired, receiving another positive answer. "You know that I'd never lie to you and that what I say is true, right?" Again, Barbara agreed, Zee-Zee was a trustworthy figure in her mind already and now these questions were strengthening that idea. "Well, I am now Harley Quinn's loyal and obedient, lesbian love slave and sidekick. And lemme tell ya, I'm very happy for it." Oracle offered no objection, she only accepted. If Zee-Zee said she was Harley's lesbian love slave, then she was Harley's lesbian love slave. "And now my Mistress would like you to watch a special DVD she made just for you, isn't that great?"
"Yes..."
"So you'll watch it?" Barbara didn't answer initially, Zee-Zee didn't know if the hacker was somehow resisting, or if her lethargic mind was trying to decide and failing. "C'mon, Babs," Zee-Zee insisted, her body tense with the anticipation of reeling in her prey, "I thought we were friends!"
"I will watch it..."
"And you'll believe every word my Mistress, Harley Quinn, says too." It wasn't a question, it was a command. The tainted witch held her breath, these were the final moments and if Oracle was ever going to resist it would be now.
"Yes..."
"Promise me." She pressed in a stern tone, she would not risk letting Oracle go now, not when she was so close to fulfilling her Mistress' wishes.
"I will believe every word your Mistress, Harley Quinn, says."
"Right-a-roonie!" Zee-Zee squealed in elation, moving to Barbara's side to push her closer to the computer station and hit the enter button. Within a few seconds, the disc the began to play and filled the all the screens in monitor womb with a close up of Harley's mad blue gaze. "Oh, and by the way," Zee-Zee whispered hotly next to Oracle's ear, "Harley Quinn isn't just 'my' Mistress... Now she's your Mistress too!"
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A/N: This took a while to both get too and write, essentially been waiting for this for a year and it took me months to actually write it. I'm sure there's still a million and one mistakes, but we'll get to correcting those later. Please let me know what you think.
~solddate
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