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She's Not a Saint	By : AsylumWritings Category: DC Verse Comics > Batman Views: 489 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Batman/DC Comics, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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I sat on the bed, debating if I needed more caffeine. These irregular sleep hours were starting to get to me. But before I could finish my internal debate, the door opened, and Jon walked in.
“Morning.” I whispered, giving him a small smile as he sat down at my feet. He had a very tense look on his face, and it concerned me. “What is it?”
“He wants to talk to you.” He reached out, brushing my hair off my cheek. “I want this to be on your terms, but I don’t know how much longer I can hold him back.”
“You’re still worried he’ll hurt me.”
He nodded, his fingers not leaving my face. “He doesn’t want to take the back seat anymore, not when it comes to you. He’s technically right, it doesn’t feel the same when you’re in the back seat, but I don’t trust him to stop if you ask him to.”
I took hold of his hand, pressing a kiss to his fingers. “Do you trust me?”
“Yes, I trust you more than anything.”
“Then trust me now, Jon.” I took a breath. I had no idea how this was going to go down, or if he would even listen, but I needed to say it. “I don’t know what it’s like inside your head. But I do know what a ticking time bomb looks like. If you keep pushing him down and trying to stop him, one day he’s going to explode, and both of us could get hurt. You need to find a balance, a way for the two of you to coexist without this constant fighting.”
He looked taken aback for a moment. “I’ve been fighting against him for so long, I don’t know how to stop.”
“You don’t have to do it today.” I leaned over and kissed him gently. “But, you do need to let me talk to him. And, I need you to promise that you won’t step in unless he’s actively hurting me.”
“Lili…” His grip on my hand tightened.
“Please.”
He pulled me into his lap and kissed me until I couldn’t breathe. Then he sat back, and I watched as his eyes darkened again.
“Now, Scarecrow,” I stayed where I was, taking hold of his face to keep him close. “We’re going to talk. That’s what you wanted, right?”
He rolled his eyes. “That’s what I told Johnny. But wouldn’t you rather do something more fun?”
“No. We’re talking.” I stayed firm, not letting myself get distracted. “I’m not leaving, and neither are you. So we need to find a way to make things work.”
He tipped me back, moving so that he was sitting on my waist. I sighed, letting him see my annoyance. Catching my hands, he held them in place against the bed.
“I have an idea.” He gave me a sly look. “I get you an hour everyday, where I can do whatever I want. In return, I’ll stop trying to break through. I promise you’ll enjoy it.”
I shook my head. “He won’t agree with that.”
His grin widened as he picked up on my accidental word choice. “But you would?”
“I would do what I had to, if it meant Jon could get some peace from you.”
“You’re so sentimental.” He got up, walking over to the window. “Both of you are.”
Sitting with my back against the headboard, I watched him. “And you expect me to believe that you aren’t? Your entire existence is based around the emotions of a traumatised young boy.”
He laughed, looking out at the sunset. “There’s not a lot that escapes you, is there?”
“Not when it comes to the people I care about.” I pulled my knees to my chest. “I won’t pretend that I understand the way you work. And I’m not trying to get rid of you.”
“I’m not unreasonable.” He walked back over to me. “I just don’t want to be screwed over by his woman of the week.”
I flinched, feeling like I’d been punched in the chest. Is that what he thought of me? Is that what Jon thought of me too? Was I just a flavour of the month that he was going to toss aside as soon as he had what he wanted? It took a moment, but I recognised it for the cruel, but untrue, jab that it was.
“Ooh, I hit a nerve with that one.” He grinned, cruelly. Grabbing my arm, he yanked me up off the bed to him. “Did you think he loved you? Is that why you’ve been trying to help him? Little Johnny wouldn’t know real love if it punched him in the face.”
And there it was. I suddenly knew how to quieten Scarecrow at the very least, if not make him leave for a while. I began to laugh, feeling more confident about this than I had when I started.
“What’s so funny?” He asked, clearly confused. He grabbed me by the shoulders, almost shaking me.
“Both of you are so smart, but you don’t even see when you make such obvious mistakes.” I placed my hands on either side of his face, looking into his eyes. “Jon, I love you.”
He gave me a surprised look, and it was like a switch flipped inside his mind. His eyes returned to their icy blue and he pulled me into a tight hug.
I gently took a step back, letting go and looking up at him. I needed to know that it was really him in there, because there was more I needed to say. He must have picked up on my uncertainty, because he pressed his thumb to my lip again. I don’t know why that one touch was so comforting, but I felt myself immediately calm down.
“It’s me, Lili.” He whispered. “I’m in control.”
I nodded, feeling a little shaky.
“Did you mean that?”
I could barely talk, and I had to turn away for a second to get my composure. “I’ve been trying to work out how to say it, and this wasn’t how I wanted to, but yes.”
He took hold of my arm, turning me to face him. “He was right. I don’t know what love feels like. My mother left me with my grandmother when I was young. And my grandmother used to lock me up in the church on the property for days at a time whenever she was angry with me.”
“Jon…” I bit my lip, hesitating.
“Wait, I need to say this.” He lifted me up onto the dresser so that he didn’t have to look down at me. “I don’t… I’ve never been loved, and I don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like. But I do know that what I feel when I’m with you is something I’ve never felt before.”
I didn’t know whether to feel upset that he couldn’t say the word, or glad Scarecrow was lying to me. “I’m sorry that I put you on the spot. I thought that maybe it would silence him for a while. I guess I should have thought a bit harder about it.”
“No… I’m glad you said it.” He took a second, thinking. “He’s quiet right now.”
I wrapped my arms around him, resting my head against his chest. I just wanted to enjoy the silence for a little while.
He held her close as she slept, not wanting to close his eyes yet. She was beautiful, all of her was, and he just didn’t seem to have the words to tell her. She rolled over, curling up against him.
“I love you.” He whispered, running his fingers through her hair. “But I don’t know how to tell you that.”
She stirred slightly, pressing her face into his chest. He could see the scars on her lower back, the RS that was carved into her skin when she was attacked. Tracing the initials, he covered them with his hand.
He’d taken a lot of her fear away, but there was only so much he could do. He had to let her do the rest on her own, and be ready to support her when it was over. He didn’t know how to do any of this, how to be an actual feeling, caring, person. And he wasn’t about to admit how much these new feelings did actually scare him.
It was too quiet in his mind now, just him with his thoughts, and he couldn’t decide if he liked it. Maybe he didn’t want Scarecrow to come back, but he’d been living with him for so long, it was strange to be without him.
I woke up in the middle of the night, finding Jon still with me. He must have been so exhausted after the past few days, and I didn’t want to disturb him, so I carefully climbed out of the bed, picked up my phone and sat on the chair by the window.
Putting my headphones on, I hit random on my playlist and turned on the small lamp so I could read. I was fairly certain it wouldn’t wake him, because I’d seen him fall asleep with sun shining and the curtains open.
I got myself lost in my book, trying not to think about my impending Arkham break in. I was especially trying not to think about every single thing that could go wrong, and that I might have to shoot my way back out.
I was deep inside the story, lost in a world of cosmic horror, when I felt a hand touch my knee. Sliding my headphones down around my neck, I closed my book to find Jon kneeling in front of me.
“Did I wake you?” I asked, putting the book down on the windowsill.
He shook his head. “No, not at all. I’ve slept enough.”
“Do you have to get back to work?”
“I do.” He stood up, gently pulling me into his arms. “But it can wait a few more minutes. I want to make sure you’re feeling ready to go into Arkham.”
I wrapped my arms around him, kissing him. “I don’t know that I have an answer for you. I don’t think I could ever really be ready for this.”
His eyes drifted over my face, and he tightened his hold on me. “You don’t have to do this. We can find another way.”
“No, we can’t.” I whispered. “I’ve tried everything else. I have to do this.” I kissed him again. “Go back to work. I need to have a shower and get ready. I’ll come see you before I leave.”
He let me go, throwing some clothes on and heading out. I tried to ignore the anxiety that was spreading through me, just letting the water of the shower wash over my body.
I didn’t know if I could hide what I was feeling from Jon, but I needed him to hold off with his concern until I was out of the house, because otherwise I would psych myself out. Putting some clothes on, I headed out to his office to say goodbye.
“Jon?” I gently pushed the door open, trying not to scare him.
Before I could react, he had me in his arms again, holding me so tight I thought I would break. I buried my face in his chest, trying not to shake as I took control of my anxiety.
“Be careful.” He breathed. “I’m not losing you now.”
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She's Not a Saint