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How	By : Evanscent Category: Comics > Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Views: 2703 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I make no profit from this story.

Chapter List
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How
The sky had been as black as Raphael’s mood. It was a collection of dark, boisterous clouds that threatened to let loose all the powers of Hell and the wrath of any and all gods above. As Raph rose to the surface world, the sky began to break. Light sprinkles of rain fell to earth. The first few drops splashed on the hulking turtle’s all ready damp head. It was cool, refreshing, a change from the sweat and blood that he had lived in.
His heart felt like it was pushing loose a clot of misery. The cavity of his chest ached as the dread and anger dripped away, washed down with the sensation of acceptance and hope. He felt as though the rain, fresh and clean, scrubbed his soul, his darkness and his fear. He could feel, as the sprinkling raindrops became thicker, denser, louder, that his body was thrumming with the idea that forgiveness just might be possible.
Hope. He had hope that April might be able to listen to him. She might be able to give him a chance to explain. Explain that he was wrong. Wrong in how he spoke to her, wrong in that he didn’t share his fear, his rationale, and his desire to keep here safe above all else in the world.
He climbed the buildings swiftly, his feet taking him to April’s silently. He was attempting to formulate what he could say to her. He was trying to piece together what he needed to say, that he should have said before. His hands moved with the motion of his whispered words, his body on autopilot as he made his way to the apartment he didn’t even realize he missed.
His talk with Leonardo had swept Raph into motion. Without pausing, he made his way from the sewers toward the one thing that scared him most in his life: he had to talk to April. He had to make himself clear. He had to find out if he had really screwed his relationship with her.
Leo. Absently, the turtle thanked his brother. Well, not to Leo’s face. He would never actually thank Leonardo for understanding just how to deal with Raphael’s thick skull. But he felt grateful that Leo knew him well enough to get him out of his rut and to knock him around a bit. Actions spoke louder than words and Raph was a turtle of action.
He was on the roof of her building. He gazed down over the side, his mind imagining himself on the fire escape, April’s arms wrapped around him as she tugged him inside, so excited to see him again and wanting nothing more than to make up and possibly even make out. Make up. Yeah. Make up is good.
He felt light headed. His heart was pumping rapidly. His skin felt as though it had a low current of electricity humming through it. She’d forgive him. She would listen. He would be able to explain everything and it was be like it had never happened. She would understand every last fear in his heart and she would make it all better.
Raphael rolled his massive shoulders. He clenched his hands. He discovered he was suddenly more nervous about this moment than he had ever been. He just needed to talk to her. That was simple, right? He felt time like a burden of rocks on his body, weighing him down. He had no idea how long he stood there, waiting for his body to calm down.
The sky rolled the clouds over Raphael’s head, casting him in darkness as the sun fell victim to the horizon. The night was filled with the sounds of water – falling, splashing, pooling, crashing. Drops pinged down the railings of the fire escape, the sound feeling like they echoed in his ears as he slowly climbed down the steps toward the warm home of the women whom possessed his heart.
He squat on her level, the dark window of her living room reflecting his image. He was soaked. He was massive. He was green. He grimaced. Raphael always had a difficult time with his image. He never felt as though he was attractive or handsome, as those were qualities you could not obtain as a seven foot tall talking turtle. He was equally as difficult to deal with visually as he was emotionally – all strength and suddenness, no tact or precision.
The darkness could not hide the ridges of his scales, the thick scars on his arms and face, or the stark differences in his limbs from that of a human: two fingers and a thumb. Two toes. Two nostrils, no protruding nose. Ears holes without the ears. Gigantic teeth. Thick lips. Let’s not mention the obvious… a tail and a giant god damned shell on his back.
What the fuck was April doing with him?
“What the fuck was I thinking?” he ground out into the dark. He lifted his head, eyelids closed, and let the rain wash over him. “She don’t deserve this.” Raph resigned himself to the emotions that flooded through him. He was ugly and awful. She didn’t need to be with someone like him.
The curtains at the window were tossed open and the window followed. “Get in here,” he heard her say. She had since moved away from the window and into her apartment. “Now!” she called out.
Raphael swallowed. He could feel his Adam’s apple bobbing with the work of it. He stepped into April’s dimly lit apartment and suddenly felt more like a stranger than he had ever been in her home. He dripped water onto her carpet and stood directly inside the window. April was nowhere to be seen. He glanced around. Nothing seemed different.
The lights were off. The only source of light was a row of candles lit at her kitchen bar top. Everything was like it was when he left. Except him. She didn’t miss him. Why would she?
April rounded the corner from her bathroom and tossed a towel at him. He caught it easily enough and an eyebrow ridge lifted. She kind of threw it a bit forcefully. Jesus. But he took the hint and began to dry himself off.
He kept his eyes on her while he toweled off. She stood, her arms crossed, her lips as pursed as they last time he saw them, and her eyes locked on his. She waited for him to be mostly dry and she motioned to the sofa. “Sit.”
Raphael paused. Most of the time when he was here, he didn’t have his gear on. He felt oddly overdressed and was unsure if removing it would be appropriate. Did taking it off mean he was too comfortable? Did it mean he was assuming things? Was leaving it on rude?
“Sit.” The impatience was palpable.
With a flick of his wrists, Raph pulled his sais from their sheaths and placed them on the coffee table. He chose to not sit on the sofa with his damp gear and instead knelt on the towel at the coffee table.
April huffed a bit but found herself a seat on the sofa, facing him. “I’m listening.”
Raphael’s eyes widened and he looked at her. His mouth opened, but nothing came out. He looked away and down at his hands; his large, green, inhuman hands. Where were all those words he had wanted to give her? I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry!
A knot in his stomach began to climb up his body. It clenched in his chest. It rattled in his throat. His eyes cinched shut. His teeth bit at the inside of his mouth. Something powerful was happening inside him and he wasn’t sure he was going to be able to contain it. It felt as though something was growing in him, something fueled by the bubbles that traveled through his stomach and his into his blood. Everything tingled and grew; grew to the point he couldn’t hold it any longer.
“You… you don’t deserve me,” he whispered. “I ain’t good enough.” His eyes burned. He wasn’t sure, but he couldn’t see his hands as well as he could a moment earlier. The emotion that churned through him felt like it was pouring out.
April was quiet, but her voice unwavering. “You don’t get to decide what I do and do not deserve, Raphael.”
His eyes lifted again. He regarded her, not understanding what she was saying. He sniffed and made a loud, snerking sound. Somehow, his nose had started to run. Must be the weather.
“You also don’t get to decide what I can and can’t do.”
He nodded automatically. He felt something wet trickle down his cheek. Must still be wet from outside. “I- I just… I just…” He looked away, his hands raked down his face. “I gotta keep you safe. Don’t you get it? If you got hurt… if I lost you… April. I don’t know… I don’t know what that would do to me…”
“Raphael. Look at me.” She had moved near him, her knees nearly touching his leg as she got as close to him as she could without contact.
He turned slightly, his head still down, his eyes refusing to meet hers. Her hand cupped his cheek. He felt himself shiver all over. Her touch felt like it was made of all things magic. His skin felt warmed, his heart filling and beating, throwing bursts of the magic through his body. “April,” he breathed. God, he missed her. He could smell her – the subtle scent of her body wash on her skin, the warmth of her touch, the tiny size of her hand – he missed every moment he could hear, see, and smell something of her.
“Raphael,” she whispered. He allowed his face to be turned toward her.
When his eyes met hers, he understood that every ounce of pain he had endured in the last seventy hours was felt by his partner. She suffered as he did. His mouth opened, his throat worked, but no sound escaped him.
Her dark eyes turned into pools, shimmering with the building of unshed tears. “You idiot,” she sighed, her hand smoothing up from his cheek to his skull, tugging away his bandana and effectively pulling away his armor. She pulled him into her as she rushed forward to wrap her arms around him.
His bandana abandoned on the floor and her arms wrapped tightly, Raphael let loose the torrent of emotion that had filled him and controlled him. His shoulders shook gently as he breathed in and out through his mouth, forehead pressed between April’s breasts. His fear, his anger, his anxiety had all culminated into this single moment; the moment he knew he had broken both their hearts and had now begun to heal them.
“Don’t you dare,” she whispered to him as she held him tight. “Don’t you ever say that I don’t deserve you.” She kissed every inch of his flesh she could reach, her hands gently stroking down the ridge of his carapace and the grooves of the plates. “It’s you I chose. It’s you I want. It’s you, Raphael.” Her tears fell from her cheeks to his head. She kissed them away. “Don’t you ever walk away from me again,” she grit out, trying to sound as firm as she could through her tears.
His arms encircled her, tugging her closer. He pulled her into his lap and buried his face deeper into her chest. He wanted to nuzzle into her bare flesh, loving the way her warmth surrounded him, her scent filled him. He wanted to be as close to her as possible. He moved her effortlessly in his lap, draping her legs on either side of him, pressing her belly to his torso. He felt her heels press into his shell as she hugged him as fiercely as he held her.
“Raphael?” she asked, wanted to be able to look him in the eyes. She needed to explain. She needed to talk.
He wasn’t sure if he was ready to lift his head. He had rekindled his love for his new home: her heartbeat in his ears, her skin pressed to his face, her warmth surrounding him, her scent coursing through him. He could feel himself settle and the storm of emotion that had fueled him for so long ebb like the tide.
She tugged on his shoulders, her hands pressing firmly. He wasn’t going to get a choice right then.
He lifted his head, eyes seeking out hers in the dim light. He didn’t trust his voice though he knew he had calmed the riot inside him. He gazed up at her, the flickering lights behind her casting her in an ethereal glow; she seemed positively angelic.
“Take me to bed, Raphael. I need you against me tonight. I need to know that you’ll be there, right there, when I wake up. I need to be able to touch you. I need you.”
He got to his feet as commanded, her arms remained draped over his shoulders, legs wrapped around him as best as she could manage. “There’s still more… I need… I need…” His voice was a thick whisper, his throat working through the words. He had so much more to pour out to her. He needed to explain to her all the millions of things he felt she needed to know. I need you to be safe. I need you…
“Not tonight. Tonight I need you to hold me.” Tears, tears she thought she was would never be done giving him, fell down her cheeks.
Raphael felt as though he had suddenly climbed to the peak of Olympus and became a god. He stiffened, not recognizing the sense of rawness that tore through him. It was something to work out soon. But not now. Right now, the woman of his dreams wanted nothing more than to be held by him and him alone. Right now, he felt like he was perfect because she wanted him just the way he was.
A/N: I have no idea how to feel about it right now.
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