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Sublime Awakenings	By : Kailean Category: Comics > Squee! Views: 1478 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Squee!, JTHM, or Invader Zim, nor any of the characters from these works. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Sublime Awakenings: Chapter 2

Standing in front of the teacher's desk in the Sunday Skool classroom, Todd could feel the dull and unfocused eyes of Father Fred staring at him in an attempt at righteous indignation. Fred had heard somewhere that righteous indignation was the voice of God, but the closest he had ever been able to come was self-righteous contempt. Deacon Jasper appeared to him to have one-upped him in this department as his eyes were rather focused on the pale boy before them. They were also narrowed in an attempt to shot deadly rays of Hell fire into the boys soul, since the deadly rays of stupid he usually sent from the pulpit whenever he spoke didn't seem to be doing their job on this one.

“Stop it. That tickles.” Todd gave a nervous, but slightly amused smile. He hadn't actually meant to say that out loud, but really, did Jasper expect him to be intimidated? Not after all he'd been through.

Father Fred ignored the comment. “So, Todd. Would you like to tell us why you were practicing numerology in the house of God in the middle of Mass?”

Todd rolled his eyes. “I wasn't.”

Jasper took a step toward him and held up the notebook that he had accidentally knocked from the youth's hands as the congregation stood for communion. “Then what is this?! It looks like numerology to me!” he proclaimed pointing dramatically to the front page. “Do not add lying to the list of your sins in the house of God, boy!”

Todd's own eyes narrowed slightly at this flamboyant display of ignorance. Stupidity should really be painful. “That's Pascal's triangle. Its a type of mathematics used to determine the probability that any given event will occur. It's an extra credit assignment for my math class.” Jasper had obviously never so much as opened a book on numerology ...or Hi Skool geometry.

“This “pass-cow's triangle” looks and sounds pretty occult to me. How are we supposed to know that this isn't some type of numerology or something? Huh? Huh? Huh?!” Jasper refused to relent.

Todd looked around the room to see about five church officials looking at him expectantly. Letta was also there, waiting for him by the door. Brian had apparently already headed out to the car, possibly out of embarrassment.

The young woman was about to step forward and vouch for him, even through she probably wasn't supposed to be listening in on his inquisition..er reprimand, but before she could do this Todd took it upon himself to make use of the dry-erase board behind the desk.

“This”, he said with a strangely heated patience as he began writing progressively longer rows of numbers starting with a single number one in the first row, “is Pascal's triangle. The first line is line zero and is always one. To get all the other rows of numbers you add the numbers beside each other to get the number that goes below it. For all numbers on the outside, and the first one, the missing side numbers are assumed to be zero."

"And this,” he proceeded to draw a line with the numbers one through nine above it and then the alphabet in sequence below the numbers, “is numerology. Well, at lest one type of numerology.” He really only remembered one kind from a conversation with his paranormalist friend, Dib. “The numbers assigned to the letters of a name of a person or thing are added together and if the resulting number is bigger than 9 then the digits that make it up are added together as well to get a smaller number. Each number is assigned a meaning that is used for divination.”

After his explanation he turned back to his audience, which instead of looking relieved or enlightened, looked angry and even more offended than before.

Not only had the kid made them look foolish with his retched “math prob”, he had proven that he knew how numerology worked, which while probably the only means of truly proving that there was in fact a difference between number pyramids and numerology, was completely abominable. Jasper once again pointed dramatically, this time directly at Todd himself. “Witchcraft!!”

“Son, do you know what the good book says about witchcraft?!” asked father Fred. His voiced dropped lower and became more serious.“It says 'thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.”

Okay, now maybe the teen was more that a little nervous. He began to take small, slow, unconscious steps back toward the exit. This seemed disturbingly familiar for some reason. Come on Todd, think! Where had he seen this before? A room full of mindless idiots closing in on him with the goal of his imminent demise because of some old mistranslation in a book deemed to be infallible? Oh yeah. “Ummm...it's a typo?” he offered meekly. “It..ummm..it's supposed to say 'poisoner' instead of 'witch'.”

“A TYPO!! In the King James Bible?!! You have offended meee, The Church, and God with your BLASPHEMY!!” Nope, still only self-righteous contempt, but maybe if he made a pretense at righteous indignation the Lord would finally lend his faithful servant Fred his voice so that he could finally hemp an ALMIGHTY load of RETRIBUTION on that HORRIBLE Father Ted for stealing what should have been HIS chance at fame and fortune in the form of position on an aired mass. A sadistic smile stretched across his plump, round face. He would pay. Oh, how he would pay! He was a disgrace to the Priesthood, with his drunken old fool of an elder Priest, his hideous, useless spinster of a maid and that incompetent Father Dougal, who was perhaps the most blasphemous being to have cursed the Catholic Church with his presence since Henry the Eighth. Why, he was even worse than this Todd kid! Wait! “Where did he go?!”

As Father Fred's face took on a dazed, far-away look that smacked of sadistic revelry, Squee took the opportunity to turn and flee the unpleasantly familiar scene. He turned and walked swiftly for the door, desperately grasping Letta's hand and tugging her roughly behind him on his way out. In the hallway, they broke into an open run when they looked back to see Deacon Jasper in hot pursuit.

Jasper gave a low, feral growl as his prey attempted to escape his wrath. Reaching into his suit, he pulled out a water gun filled with his own special holy water coattail. The secret was the added bleach. After this little fiasco he was thinking about stepping it up a notch to something more volatile....maybe hydrochloric acid.

As the teens were rounding the top of the stairs that lead out of the basement of Saint Barmy's Catholic Church, Letta felt a wetness permeate the back of her head. She couldn't stop and turn around to find the source of said wetness as Squee was still pulling her quickly forwards, but she did manage a swift glance back as he took a few seconds to shove a mop bucket down the stairs, spilling dirty water behind them. Jasper had apparently shot her with a water gun, but dear God, why did it burn!? Before she could demand answers they were off again at break-neck speed. From the first floor she heard Deacon Jasper release a cry of surprise and fury, followed by a crash and some clattering that she assumed was the water-gun wielding, nut job falling to his dirty, mop-watery doom.

--------------------------------------------End Chapter Two--------------------------------------------------

This chapter, and story, is not meant to offend Catholics or Christians in general. It is, however, going to be antidogmatism and protolerance as far as religion, sexuality and lots of other things go. If many of the insanely dogmatic and stupid people tend to be Christian, it is only because Christianity is the dominant religion, and therefore more people are Christian. Also, dominant religions tend to be highly dogmatic. The only reason I picked Catholicism is because it is one of my favorite forms of Christianity, and I get to have a little Father Ted crossover. Don't worry if you don't know what that is though. It either won't pop back up, or won't need explanation.

Squee and Invader Zim characters belong to Jhonen Vasquez.
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Sublime Awakenings