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Writings of The Heart	By : meathead13 Category: Comics > Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Views: 1779 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Chapter Eighteen: Deception
“Damn stupid piece of shit bike!” Raphael spit out in a vicious growl, slamming his fist into the thin aluminum frame of the Shell Cycle. He stepped back to sneer at the growing collection of dents he had added within the past half hour, then threw his leg over the seat. He disconnected the cable attached to the throttle, then hopped off on the other side, sliding down to his knees to dive into the bike’s engine.
“Damn thing, had it for nearly ten years,” Raphael grumbled to himself, but hoped the bike could understand him. “And now ya decide ta be a little pain in the ass and not fuckin work!”
This time it was the wrench in Raphael’s hand that struck the bike. The ringing of the metal-on-metal bounced around the hollow barn, lingering for a few minutes before it faded. A sigh escaped Raphael and he leaned his arm across the leather seat, his head following after. He knew it wasn’t the bike’s fault his life had gone to hell, and punching the crap out of the newly rebuilt side panel wasn’t helping anything. He was still hurt, still angry, and his brain was racing with a million different reasons why Carrie had suddenly turned on him and booted him from her home. He thought he finally had her, that she was finally comfortable with him, and Raphael was beginning to finally build up the courage to tell Carrie how he really felt. He wasn’t good at expressing himself emotionally in the first place, but with Carrie, he had wanted to share it. He had the need to tell her everything that was going on in his mind. But as Raphael lifted his eyes up and looked around the empty barn, he knew that chance had passed him by.
Letting out another deep breath, Raphael went back to work on the bike’s engine, hoping that he could submerge himself really far into his tinkering so he wouldn’t have to think about anything else. After a few twists of the wrench, he began to whistle. It was tune that Michelangelo had often played; an annoying pop hit that was so catchy, it hard to really hate. His brother had every one of them singing it, even Splinter, until their father eventually told Michelangelo to get rid of the CD. Chuckling to himself at the memory, he suddenly found himself singing the words out loud. As much as Raphael detested it, he kept on, laughing at himself for how dumb he sounded, and he made a quick reminder to himself to kick his younger brother’s rear end again when they were reunited.
Ready to reattached the throttle cable, Raphael slowly stood, his knees stiff from kneeling on the cold floor. He cursed under his breath, then pulled the cable around, leaning closer to the handle to make sure the attachment was correct. Just as he tightened the screw, the barn doors slammed open, sending Raphael back down to his aching knees. He cursed again, adding a little grumble for affect, and was ready to stand and yell at Leonardo for scaring the hell out of him.
Only it wasn’t Leonardo that had come through the doors.
Raphael watched from behind the seat of the bike as Carrie staggered in, the wind picking up speed and blowing in a gust of snow as she shoved the doors closed with her back. She stood against the doors for a few minutes, her head leaned back and her eyes turned toward the sky. Her gasps for air were loud, almost deafening in the hollow barn. Raphael studied her appearance, taking in her wild locks of hair and the red streaks that burned brightly on her face. She had been crying, and Raphael couldn’t help but smile wickedly. He was glad she was unhappy; it shadowed his own pain. Now instead of wanting to tell her his feelings, he wanted to rub things into her face, bring her down even more so he wouldn’t have to feel upset anymore.
Carrie took a step forward, then another, then suddenly fell down to her knees. Her head lunged forward, almost smacking against the barn floor, and she let out a loud and long cry of agony. Raphael narrowed his eyes at her, disgusted by her dramatic actions, something that he was growing tired of seeing her do. He envisioned himself walking up to her, grabbing her hair to jerk her head back up, and slapping her in the face. The more he thought about it, the more his blood boiled, but then he saw something that changed the spiteful thoughts in his mind.
Carrie sat back up, the tears running faster than had when she walked in, and she held up her right hand. Raphael leaned a little over the bike’s seat, curious as to why Carrie was staring and sobbing at her hand, which looked limp as she held it in her left hand. He could see her knuckles were a little swollen, and turning a such a deep purple they were almost black. He pulled back, leaning against the barn wall for support, and pondered on what Carrie had done on her walk. Raphael let out a small snort as he thought about how bad her temper was, and if would have been him, he would have punched anything just to feel better. A tree would have been enough to cause the swelling in Carrie’s knuckles, but it still left Raphael to wonder why she looked like a deer running from a pack of wolves.
But that thought was also pushed aside as the sound of her sobs hit his ears, and Raphael couldn’t help from wanting to pull her into his arms and hold her tightly. He would caress her wind-torn hair, kiss her hot forehead, and tell her everything was alright. This thought made Raphael smile; their fight becoming a faded memory. After settling on dashing to her side, Raphael stood up, grimaced through the stiffness in his knees and began to walk around the bike when he heard a voice outside that was soon followed by the barking of Carrie’s German Shepherds.
“Carrie? Carrie! Where are you?”
Raphael ducked back down as Carrie whipped her head around and staggered to her feet. Her eyes were wider this time, the fear very prominent in her face. Raphael could see the panic in her movements as she looked around for a place to hide herself, finally settling on the hay loft above. She had reached the fourth rung from the bottom on the ladder when the barn doors once again blew open and Leonardo stepped in, gasping for air as Carrie had done. Raphael ducked down farther into a even more uncomfortable crouch, and decided to wait and see what was going on before announcing his presence.
“Carrie, please! Stop running from me and tell me what’s going on!” Leonardo cried out in exasperation as he walked to the bottom of the ladder.
“Get away from me!” Carrie screamed, kicking at Leonardo with her left foot while trying to climb up with one hand. “You’re a psycho! Get the fuck away from me!”
“I wish you would tell me why you keep saying that!” Leonardo managed to grab onto Carrie’s foot, but only aided her escape by giving her leverage to go farther up. Raphael then noticed the swelling on the left side of Leonardo’s face, and it didn’t take him long to connect it to Carrie’s knuckles. His curiosity was turning back into a fiery wrath as he continued to listen.
“I can’t believe you!” Carrie cried out from behind her tears. “After what you did to me, how can you have the nerve to pretend that it didn’t happen! You almost fucking killed me, Leo!”
Raphael watched Leonardo’s face twist into confusion, knowing that it nearly resembled his own.
“What?! I never...what would give you that idea?” Leonardo rubbed at the ache in his jaw. “It was just friendly combat!”
“Friendly combat? Friendly combat!” Carrie made it to the top of the hay loft and sat cross-legged overlooking Leonardo. “I’d hate to see what you do to your enemies!”
Leonardo threw his hands into the air as if he was giving up. “I don’t understand this. I don’t understand you sometimes!”
Raphael saw Carrie’s mouth drop open, knowing that Leonardo had hit a nerve.
“Don’t you even talk about understanding, Leonardo! Understanding is being able to connect with someone, knowing that you can feel safe with them. And after everything that happened yesterday, I thought that we where like that!”
“What happened yesterday?” Raphael whispered out loud, wrinkling his nose at the sound of those words.
“Carrie,” Leonardo took a rung of the ladder into his hands and looked up, his voice calm as he spoke. “We already talked about that. I know how you feel about Raph and I’m not getting in the way of that.”
“Man, what the fuck is goin’ on between you two?” Raphael whispered again, even though he had wanted to scream it out instead.
Carrie narrowed her brow at the turtle below her and frowned. “Well, apparently that idea got thrown out the window!”
“What are you talking about?” Leonardo asked, getting more furious with each passing second. “If you would just tell me what I did-,”
“How can you not remember tripping me then pinning me down?” Carrie screamed, her tears reappearing and flowing faster than before. “How could you not remember...kissing me, and-and...and putting your hands all over me?”
“What?” Leonardo gasped.
“What?” Raphael growled.
“Carrie,” Leonardo tried to swallow the lump in his throat. “Please don’t joke with me like that. It’s not funny.”
“I’m fucking serious!” Carrie burst out. “I tried to get you away from me! I didn’t want it...didn’t want it to be that way.” She felt her fingers go numb from the cold and she wrapped her one good hand around her chest. “But-,”
“But what?” Leonardo asked.
Carrie sighed and pushed back her tears for the moment. “I have to confess, Leo. After we kissed yesterday, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was just...so...incredible! I had a dream about you too.”
Leonardo lowered his eyes. “I had one about you.”
Carrie didn’t seemed so surprised. “But I let it slip in front of Raph.”
“What?” Leonardo panicked.
“It’s not like I told him everything!” Carrie defended herself. “I guess while I was dreaming I said your name because when I woke up, Raph was practically accusing me of sleeping with you.”
“But we never did.”
“Tell that to my dream.” Carrie said with a small, tired laugh. “And I was feeling so guilty about the whole thing that I yelled back at him. I-I told him to leave, Leo.”
From where he stood, Leonardo could clearly see the hurt in Carrie’s face. “You made him leave? Where is he?”
“Right here you backstabbin’ fuck.,” Raphael said through his teeth, his hand poised on the handle of his sai.
Carrie felt her tears coming back and her shoulders shuttered from the sobs. “I don’t know. It was just that....Raphael could never tell me that he loved me, and I was starting to believe he didn’t. But you, Leo, you told me how you felt, and I can’t lie and say it didn’t affect me.”
“But I thought you loved him, Carrie.” Leonardo sighed, feeling suddenly overwhelmed by everything. “It shouldn’t have mattered what I said.”
“Well, it did, Leo. It really did.” Carrie replied, losing her breath. “ When you were on top of me, I-I wanted you to..to...”
“Carrie, no,” Leonardo sighed and shook his head.
Carrie sucked in some air and let more tears free. “I know it was wrong, but I couldn’t help it! I was so...angry at myself. I just wanted to feel better. I wanted you to make me feel-“
Leonardo stepped back from the ladder, tears also visible in his eyes. “ Stop Carrie! Just stop!”
“No, Leo!” Carrie spit at him in frustration. “And you know damn well you wanted it too! You were the one who put me on the ground and tried to take advantage of me!”
“No!” Leonardo yelled back. “I would never do that to you and I would never do that to Raphael!”
“Then when I was almost at your mercy, you-you attacked me!” Carrie screamed into her palms. “You almost killed me! You almost killed me!”
Raphael could feel water well up in his eyes too, but they were more from rage than sadness, and his hand gripped tighter on his sai.
“Think it’s time ta put an end ta this fuckin’ soap opera.”
Leonardo turned his back to Carrie, folding over at the waist as nausea hit his stomach.
“I wouldn’t....I could never...” he crumbled to his knees, catching his wet face in his palms. He couldn’t remember the last time he had cried so hard. His honor and what little pride he had left began to fall away from him, making him feel like he was slowly fading into nothing. As hard as Leonardo tried, he could find no memory of what Carrie had told him, and believing that was what he had actually done was killing him the most.
“Leo,” Carrie suddenly muttered, her voice muffled by her sleeves.
He couldn’t look at her. He didn’t want to raise his head and look into the hate and fear in Carrie’s face. He wanted to run so bad, his legs shook in anticipation.
“Leo!” Carrie cried out again. “Leo, get up!”
He moved his hands from his face, placing his palms flat on the barn floor as he sniffled back his tears. It was only after the clouds cleared from his eyes that he saw the pair of two toed green feet standing in front of him. After lifting his head and seeing the fire blazing in Raphael’s eyes, Leonardo began to choke on his own air. He forced himself to fall back on his rear and he pushed himself toward the ladder, his shell making a loud crack as it collided with the wood.
“Well, well. Ain’t this touchin’,” Raphael glared at Leonardo, then shifted his gaze to Carrie, who pulled back away from the edge of the loft to avoid her lover’s rage.
“I swear Leo. I can’t leave ya alone for nothin’, can I?” Raphael spoke calmly, then began to laugh, only his laughter was hollow and void of feeling.
“Raph, I-“
Leonardo lost his words as Raphael slammed down on top of him, holding him against the ladder with his knees, grasping his brother’s neck tightly in his hands. Leonardo’s arms waved around for a moment before his brain signaled them to grab Raphael’s shoulders and push him back.
“Raphael!” he said in a gasp of air. “Wait!”
“Motherfucker! How could ya fuckin’ do this ta me? HOW!”
“Raph! No!” Carrie screamed. Pushing aside all of her fears, Carrie turned and descended the ladder, stumbling to the ground as she jumped over the battling brothers. She wrapped both of her arms around Raphael’s chest, taking care not to further injury her hand, and pulled with all her might.
“Raph! Please let go of him!”
In one single sweep, Raphael swung his arm back and knocked Carrie to the ground. He turned toward her, still holding Leonardo down with his knees and one hand.
“You don’t say a fuckin’ thing yet!” Raphael growled as he pointed at Carrie, then turned back to Leonardo. “What the hell is wrong with you, Leo? Huh? You knew how I felt about her and ya go and do this shit behind my back!”
“It’s not what you think!” Leonardo pushed out as he removed Raphael’s hands from his throat.
“Not what I think? Not what I think!” Raphael roared, forcing all his weight onto his brother’s chest. “I heard every fuckin’ thing you two were sayin’, Leo! Everything! And after we talked about it, ya still had the balls ta go after her!”
“No I didn’t!” Tears reappeared as Leonardo spoke, his strength suddenly gone. “I wouldn’t do that to you!” His pleas fell on deaf ears.
“And after all that, ya try ta kill her? Did Karai fuck ya up that bad, Leo? Did she fuck with yer head so bad that ya had ta rape and kill every other woman ya came across?”
“What?” Carrie said in a whisper upon hearing the familiar name, the rest of Raphael’s sentence fading away from the cloud of confusion that hung over her head.
However, hearing that familiar name and the accusations that followed only stirred up the sickness and madness that Leonardo had been holding down for so long. His eyes glazed over in a fury that match his brothers’, and just as Raphael had found his way back to Leonardo’s windpipe, Leonardo tuck his feet against Raphael’s chest and heaved him backward across the barn floor. Knowing that gave him enough to regain his footing, Leonardo stood and held his ground as Raphael turned over to his knees.
“Don’t you ever talk about her, Raphael!” he fired back, his voice booming throughout the barn. “You don’t know anything about what happened between us! You don’t know!”
Raphael’s face twisted in disgust, but he kept his mouth closed as tears suddenly appeared on his brother’s face.
“ Yes I know I was stupid and naive, and maybe... maybe even a little selfish for wanting to be with her, and yes, I know it was at the cost of everyone’s lives!” At this point, Leonardo turned his back to his brother, not caring if Raphael made an attempt to attack him. “I’ve been living with that guilt for years, Raph. I think about it every day. I dwell on it. I purposely make myself sick because I was responsible for putting us all in danger.”
After he let out a silent sigh, Leonardo turned back, his eyes meeting with Carrie, then with Raphael.
“But sometimes you can’t help what the heart wants. I really was in love with her, Raph, as disgusting or unmoral as it may sound. I was so blinded by her that I couldn’t see what she was doing. And even after what happened, as I lie in this shame and anger, I’m also heartbroken. Even now, she still has the ability to blind me.”
Raphael stood up, subconsciously cracking his knuckles, but remained silent. Carrie took a step forward, but avoided Raphael’s eyes as he looked her way.
“You..you said that name to me. You called me.. Karai.”
Leonardo’s eyes grew wide, as did Raphael’s, and they gapped in shock at her.
“I did?”
Carrie walked slowly toward Leonardo and took his hands into hers. “I know how it feels to have someone you really cared for betray you. But I still don’t understand why you attacked me like you did.”
“I-I don’t know,” Leonardo shook his head. “But you have to believe me, Carrie. I would never do anything to harm you in any way! I care about you too much to hurt you. I’m sorry if I did.” he pushed back the new tears and straighten his posture. “I’ve held onto this for way too long. It’s destroyed my judgement, it-I almost...”
Carrie squeezed his hands and smiled. “Don’t. It’s okay. Please don’t linger on it anymore.” She then let out a small laugh. “I think maybe I should do the same.”
“What do you mean?” Leonardo asked, allowing the water in his eyes to fall.
“All my life I’ve been holding onto things that have hurt me. Things my father said to me, things that made me feel like I was worthless and had nothing to give to anyone. And everything that Mark did to me, especially the cheating. He made me believe I wasn’t good enough for anyone. The publishers that told me no over and over again, which gave me no hope and only added to my low self esteem. All of these things I’ve been holding onto, things that have been blocking me from the life that I should have.”
She looked into Leonardo’s eyes and they shared a smile.
“How about we both decide to make a new start? Just toss out all that shit that has been holding us back and live life like it was meant to be lived?”
Leonardo smiled bigger and nodded. “ Sounds good. Really good.”
“What the hell?” Raphael suddenly cried out, and Leonardo and Carrie looked at him, both of them forgetting he was still there.
“Shit, why don’t you two just start singin’ about rainbows and go skippin’ through the fuckin’ dasies together!” He whipped around and headed for his bike.
“Raph, wait!” Carrie cried out and chased after him. She caught him by his left elbow and turned him to face her. “We still need to talk about this!”
He pulled free from her and glared. “Talk? About what? We ain’t got shit ta talk about! I ain’t got a fuckin’ thing ta say to him, and I sure as hell ain’t gotta a fuckin’ thing ta say ta you! Now get outta my way!”
“No!” Carrie pulled him back and stepped into his face. “ I’m sick of you acting like some bad ass who acts like he doesn’t give a shit about anyone!”
“Gee, and all this time I thought you didn’t know a thing about me!” Raphael remarked sarcastically. Carrie felt her blood boil, her face flushed red, and she stepped back, her arms crossing over her chest in frustration.
“ You are unbelievable. You really are a heartless bastard.”
Raphael sucked in a deep breath and narrowed his eyes. Leonardo took a few steps backward as he saw the fire return to his brother’s eyes.
“Heartless, huh? Of all people, you should know everything about being heartless!”
“Excuse me?” Carrie’s mouth gapped open. “ How dare you-,”
“You fuckin’ kissed my brother! How does that not count for being heartless?” Raphael jumped at Carrie, his face mere inches from hers. “Ya wanted him ta fuck you! And don’t tell me any different cause I heard it all!”
“Why do you care anyway?” Carrie screamed back, her words coming out in sobs. Her eyes began to leak once again. “You don’t love me! You don’t care about me like I do for you! You never did! You just wanted...you’re a pig just like all of those other jerks I’ve met in my life!” She felt her legs get weak and she crumbled to her knees. “I was ready for something real this time! I wanted to feel good about my life, about myself! I wanted to have a love like-like-,”
“Like what?” Raphael said, his voice calmer but his anger still noticeable.
“Like what I give my characters in my book!” Carrie shouted, not caring how foolish she might have sounded. “ For years I’ve been giving them this great love that couldn’t be touched by anything while I’ve been going through hell! I was jealous of them! And then you came along, and...”
Carrie looked up at Raphael, their eyes locking for the first time.
“I felt that with you, and it scared me. I didn’t want to feel that way about you. I knew we could never have a normal relationship. But the more I got to know you, the deeper I feel for you, and nothing mattered me to me than just being with you.”
She wiped a few tears away, then reached up and grabbed Raphael’s right hand.
“Please, Raph. You have to forgive me for what I did. I was scared, and...and angry at myself, not at you. I shouldn’t be so needy and dependent. I don’t need to hear you tell me how you feel. I felt it anyway. I know what we had was real. I was just too stupid to realize that someone really did feel that way about me. Please, please forgive me. I love you.”
Raphael stayed silent, his eyes unchanged as he continued to stare at Carrie. But when he finally spoke, his tone remained cold and unwavering.
“Ya wanna know why I couldn’t tell ya? It’s cause I didn’t know how. I can’t open up just like that. And ya know what I hate the most? It’s people like you and him-” he pointed sharply at Leonardo. “-who expect me to! Don’t force me inta it, I’ll came around eventually. But you gotta understand somethin’, Carrie. I wanted to. I really did. But cause of my stubborn jackass ways, I couldn’t. So maybe that’s somethin’ that I gotta get rid of. Work on it, ya know.”
Carrie started to smile but stopped as Raphael jerked her to her feet, almost pulling her arm out of its socket.
“But no matter how much I love you, there is nothin’ that you or him could say ta me to make me forget about what you two did. Hope you guys have a great life together.”
He carelessly tossed Carrie back down to the ground, jumped onto the leather seat of his bike and revved the engine. The bike roared loudly and after Raphael walked the bike around in a half circle, he had forgotten about the barn doors. He jumped off the bike to open them, but found Leonardo in his way.
“Raph! Don’t you dare leave!”
“Get outta my way, Leo!”
Leonardo shoved his feet deeper into the dirt and stood his ground. “We’re supposed to leave together! It’s too dangerous for you to go by yourself!”
“I don’t care if I get caught! I don’t fuckin’ care anymore!” Raphael pushed Leonardo against the doors, tears filling in his eyes. “Get out of my way!”
Raphael let go of his brother and jumped back on the bike. It sailed through the open doors and out into the snow, giving Leonardo only split second to move out of his way. He fell to the ground, and was only able to catch sight of the back tire as it disappeared around Carrie’s house.
“Raph!”
Leonardo stumbled to his feet and ran into the blaring sunlight, the wind whipping harder than ever. He pushed himself over the tracks made by the bike, all the way to the end of Carrie’s gravel driveway. The snow that had became stuck to the ruts in the tires left a path on the blacktop road, and Leonardo stayed there until the sun had melted it all away, not sure if he would ever see his brother alive again.
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Writings of The Heart