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Writings of the Heart	By : meathead13 Category: Comics > Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Views: 3683 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 15
- 16
Chapter Sixteen: Resistance
“...and the Battle Shell took some really hard hits from Bishop’s guys. It’s took me and Casey almost a month to get her ready for the road. How’s Raph coming along with the Shell Cycle?”
Leonardo snorted into the receiver, not bothering to look over his shoulder at the motorcycle that leaned against the barn’s left wall with various pieces scattered around.
“Raph’s been a little preoccupied the past few days,” Leonardo spoke bitterly to his long distance brother Donatello.
“Preoccupied?” Donatello repeated, his voice coming out in a high pitch. “ As much as Raph tinkers with that thing, he could have it done in a day! What has he been doing?”
Closing his eyes and rubbing at his aching head, Leonardo let out another irritated laugh as he thought about the giggles and moans that had traveled down the stairs to his ears while he tried to get through his breakfast that very morning, and the various mornings, afternoons and evenings of the past few days.
“Nothing.” He finally told his brother after a few seconds. “Anyway, I think our best bet is to have some kind of rendevous point in Vermont. Somewhere away from the main roads.” Leonardo looked up to the various papers and maps that he had tacked on the wall. “ I’ve found some good spots, but you would have to check the GPS in the Battle Shell to make sure it’s safe.”
A long silence followed before Donatello returned to the conversation.
“Leo, I don’t mean to pry, but...is there something wrong?”
Leonardo stared into the black metal mesh of the microphone, then cautiously pushed the button, hoping that he didn’t sound too distant and impatient this time around.
“Why-why would there be anything wrong?”
“Because the whole time I’ve been talking to you, which had been a good two hours now, you’ve been, well, off somewhere. And when I mention Raph-,”
“Everything is fine, Donnie, alright?” Leonardo cut in. “I just want to get everyone back together, okay? Is that too much to ask for? Is it wrong for me to be worried about my family?”
Another long silence came, broken only by the purr of static. When Donatello gave no response, Leonardo pushed his button, allowing his brother to hear the long sigh that escaped suddenly.
“Don, I’m sorry. I’ve...” He laid his head in his open hand. “This whole thing- it’s been one big... fucking disaster, and I just need to be with all of you. If only I had just-,”
“Leo,” Donatello stopped him. “ You can’t beat yourself up all the time. We had no clue Bishop had been tracking us, nor did we know he was going to bomb the lair. You did what you could. At least all of us are still alive, right?”
Leonardo lowered his hand, shaking his head, secretly disagreeing with his brother. “I know. You would think I learned not to carry the weight of the world by now.”
Donatello quickly came back. “But that’s not what I was talking about.”
“What were you talking about then?” Leonardo asked, his stomach churning in circles.
“Bro, I’ve known you long enough to know when there’s something bothering you, and I can sense it’s not Bishop. What happened between you and Raph?”
“Donnie, I told you-,” Leonardo started to protest, only to be cut off with Donatello’s voice.
“No, you didn’t.” Donatello said with a slight laugh. “ You actually avoided my question, gave me a response that you thought would mask your obvious frustrations in an attempt to throw me off track, and instead tried to have a pity party for yourself with me as the guest of honor, which by the way, was not your best compared to past ones. I didn’t feel it that time.”
Leonardo blinked in surprise, then suddenly let out a heart-felt chuckle. “I think you’re getting too smart for your own good, Don.”
“It comes with age.” Donatello boasted, having a laugh before getting serious again. “But really Leo, if there’s something you need to talk about, you know I’m here to listen.”
“I know, Donnie. Thank you. I just...”
His words stopped short, his brain calling them back down his throat to re-think what he was about to spill. Leonardo hated lying to his brothers. How could they put trust in a leader who lies? Keeping his affair with Karai a secret for so long was hard enough, and Leonardo didn’t know how Donatello, being the most understanding of them, would react to his dark desires to be with their host. Leonardo couldn’t think about Carrie without coming across to himself as a sex-mad fiend, let alone talk about her to someone else. With the buzz of the radio fading in and out, Leonardo inhaled deeply and spoke again.
“Just trust me, Don. Everything is fine.”
“Sure it is,” Donatello remarked, and Leonardo could imagine the all-knowing smirk his brother had on his face at that moment. “Just make sure Raph gets that bike fixed, and Leo?”
“Yeah?”
“If you finally decide to talk about things, just call me on the radio, ‘kay?”
Leonardo smiled through his sadden eyes. “Alright, Donnie. I’ll do that.”
After a small goodbye, Leonardo lowered the volume on the radio and stood, stretching his arms well over his head then bending at the waist to touch his toes, keeping his knees straight. The stretch was a welcome thing to his stiff body, so Leonardo moved to the center of the barn floor and proceeded with a series of yoga stretches. Halfway through, Leonardo began to recall the first day he had done the exercises with Carrie, their movements flowing perfectly together. He chuckled then, remembering the comment Carrie had made about how chauvinistic guys get when a women tells them they do yoga. It wasn’t too long after that Leonardo had put it upon himself to teach her basic self-defense moves, something tugging at him to make sure Carrie had some way to stay safe after he was gone. Leonardo wanted to protect her, even though he hardly knew who she was at the time.
After the series of stretches were through, Leonardo sat down in a Lotus position and pressed his hands together, hoping that he could lose himself in meditation again to stop thinking of Carrie. But once again his memories flowed back, and Leonardo watched behind his closed eyes the day Carrie had first joined him, hoping that she could find some kind of peace from how bad Raphael was treating her. It had taken Carrie a few times to get her legs like Leonardo’s, sending him a angry glare after he commented on how flexible she should be with all the yoga she does. The glare quickly died, and Carrie fell backwards in fits of laughter. He joined in, and their meditation session was forgotten as they both threw sarcastic jokes at each other instead.
Leonardo smiled, opening his eyes to the shaded barn walls. By the darkness in the room, Leonardo guessed it was around two in the afternoon. His stomach growled, even more hollow now after having to abandon his breakfast that morning. He rose back to his feet, pushing the need to eat away and instead attempted to practice his kata. Since he had lots of spare time during the past two months, Leonardo had moved on from his normal routines to one that had over fifty connected poses, each one more difficult to hold than the last. Splinter had shown him only the basics of the kata himself, the rest from a book, so Leonardo was left to piece them together.
He placed his heels together, then his palms, then bowed his head, stopping as his chin touched the top of his chest. In one swift movement, Leonardo lunged his left foot forward, his left arm bent and resting on his right fist. He turned to the right, shoving his fist into the air, his right hand opening and grabbing at his left elbow. Another sharp turn on his feet and Leonardo switched his arms, a grunt escaping as his knee turned too slow. He pressed on, twisting his position around so he was now leaning his weight on his bent right leg, his right arm stretched out and his left fist resting at his side.
‘What the hell is that one called?”
“That, Raphael, is called Gojushiho Dai- 54 steps... and mind your language.”
Leonardo brought down his elbow, his cry echoing along the ceiling, and he turned to face the barn doors, his elbow jabbing at the air around him. He brought them forward, crossing his closed fists, then pulled his left arm back. A few drops of sweat began to form on Leonardo’s forehead, and they slide down between his eyes as he pushed his arm forward again.
“It looks hard.”
“Indeed it is, Michelangelo. But your brother has needed to advance, and this kata is exceptionally difficult.”
He thrust his left fist upwards, sending his right arm back, then switched, only laying his right arm out flat and pointed toward the floor. Lifting it back up at waist level, Leonardo jabbed forward with his left fist, bent it across his chest, then rose his right leg high into the air, kicking madly at the empty space before him. He let out another yell and spun around, his back once again toward the barn doors.
“He movin’ around like he’s had a few too many!”
“Actually Raph, Leo’s supposed to be mimicking a bird attacking an enemy with its beak. That’s what Master Splinter’s book says anyway.”
“Thanks for that insight, Professor.”
“Hush, my children. This requires a lot of concentration.”
“Like we could ever break his concentration, sensei.”
“Mikey’s right. Nothin’ can break Leo’s focus.”
“Leo?”
With his left leg bent far behind him and his arms set at unmatched positions, Leonardo quickly turned his neck to the voice. The sudden movement threw the rest of his body off-balance, and Leonardo toppled over, hitting the barn floor with a loud thud. He laid motionless, the hit on the wooden floor causing an uncomfortable vibrating sensation throughout his shell, and he placed his hands over his eyes as the pain traveled into his head.
“Oh, Leo! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you!” Carrie cried out, her footsteps thumping into Leonardo’s aching head as she ran across the floor. She knelt down and grabbed at his upper arms, lifting him up enough to use her shoulders to push him the rest of the way up into a sitting position.
“Are you okay?” Carrie asked after Leonardo had finished rubbing at his eyes.
“Yeah, I-,” Leonardo met with Carrie’s glistening grey eyes and immediately lost his train of thought.
“I wish I had your concentration!” Carrie laughed as she brushed pieces of hay from Leonardo’s shell and elbow pads. “I can lose myself into something, but not like that.”
“It’s nothing...really...you just...” Leonardo mumbled, the sweeping of Carrie’s fingertips against his skin sending tremors down his spine. He gulped at the lump in his throat as Carrie leaned a little lower, the sleeve of her unzipped grey hoodie falling down her shoulder, and the opening of her tank top revealed a hint of the powder blue bra snuggled up against her full breasts. Leonardo turned away, his exhaled breath staggering from his open mouth, and he turned his seemingly famous concentration toward stopping the growing bulge within his shell.
“Look, Carrie, maybe you should go.” Leonardo pushed her hands away and jumped to his feet, his hands subconsciously pulling at the knot of his belt. “I’m-I’m in the middle of my...”
“I know you are, Leo, but I really need to talk to you.”
Leonardo closed his eyes, his mouth saying the word ‘no’ silently several times before he turned around with a fake smile, hoping that his nervous hands weren’t noticeable.
“Oh yeah? About-about what?”
Carrie sighed, tugging at the ends of her hair before whipping it behind her ears. “I just can’t take this thing that’s going on between you and Raph. You need to talk to him. I have like no space to myself anymore!”
Leonardo’s smile fell, his brow instead arching up in question. “But I thought the two of you were...”
Carrie met with Leonardo’s eyes and felt a blush on her cheeks. “We are but, he’s just there all the time, and I guess it’s where I was used to having some much alone time that...Leo? Is something wrong?”
“You, uh, got a...” Leonardo made a motion to his neck, but kept his vicious growl to himself.
Carrie’s eyes grew, then she slapped her right palm over the deep blue bruise on her neck. “Oh my God, that pig! He’s so dead! I told him not to do that!”
“Haven’t you learned by now that Raph never does what he’s told?” Leonardo crossed his arms over his chest and stared at the floor, the bitterness returning in his voice.
Carrie felt the tension rise in her friend and she took a few steps toward him. “Why won’t you tell me what’s really bothering you? We used to talk about everything, but just all of the sudden- you’re not yourself anymore. What’s going on?”
The touch of her warm hand on the cool skin of his arm caused the muscle underneath to quiver, but instead of running from her, Leonardo remained still, finally keeping eye contact with Carrie while soaking in the beauty of her pale face.
“What’s Raph doing right now?”
Carrie leaned her head to one side, puzzled by Leonardo’s inquiry. “Well, when I left him, he was in the living room, stuffing his face with Cheez-Its and screaming obscenities at the television.”
This time it was Leonardo’s turn to wear the dumbfounded look.
“Football. It’s the playoffs.” Carrie replied with a confused shrug of her shoulders. “Something about it makes a guy’s testosterone level go berserk.”
Leonardo dropped his arms and grabbed Carrie’s hand, pulling her toward the middle of the barn before stopping, his eyes darting around the dirty floor.
“Well, I thought it would be better to sit for this but it seems we’re short on things to sit on.”
Carrie also looked around, then pulled her hand free as she plopped on the floor, the dust scattering around her in all directions.
“This looks good to me. I’m not worried about having a dirty ass. That’s why they created laundry detergent.”
The giggle Carrie let out made Leonardo calm a little as he sat down directly in front of her, but the stiffness in his back and shoulders showed Carrie that he was not in the mood for playing around. Leonardo stayed silent after they had settled, keeping his eyes to Carrie’s muddy tennis shoes as his chin rested on his closed fists. Carrie waited patiently, her thumbs tapping together in her lap to the rhythm of the hard rock song in her head. She couldn’t remember the name of it, only the comment Raphael had made about it being a good song to screw to, which they happened to be doing at that time. She giggled again, then shyly turned her head when Leonardo looked at her.
“Sorry.” Carrie pulled the ends of her sleeves over her hands, her fingers disappearing under the soft fabric.
Leonardo straightened his back and cleared his throat. “ Okay, Carrie. I... the thing is that...” He waved his hands around, but found his words refused to come out. “No. Forget it. I can’t do this.”
“Leo, just relax!” Carrie grasped Leonardo’s hands and settled them in her lap with her own. “Whatever you have to say, just say it!”
“I-I don’t know if I should-,”
“Come on, Leo! It’s me! We can talk about anything!”
“I know we can, but this is just-,”
“Just let it out!” Carrie threw her hands into the air. “Don’t make me break into a song and dance about this! Come to think of it, wasn’t there a musical that had a song about this? I’ll have to ask Barry. He would know. The guy lives on Broadway so-,”
Carrie’s absentminded rambles where suddenly cut short as Leonardo took her face in his hands and pressed his lips against hers. She froze, her body unwilling to move except for the nervous shakes that erupted from her own hands. Her eyelids remained open, refusing to blink as she stared into the blue fabric that surrounded Leonardo’s closed eyes. His lips never moved, nor did he increase the pressure, just held them as if they were glued together. As awkward as the kiss was, Carrie could fell there was more behind it, something that she guessed Leonardo couldn’t form into words, something that was slowly driving her mad to know. But as the kiss lingered on, her curiosity started to get the better of her, and just as her body started to relax and give in, Leonardo pushed back, turning his eyes to the floor in shame.
Carrie snapped out of her trance and inhaled sharply, her voice trembling as she spoke. “Leo, what-I don’t understand. Why did you do that?”
Leonardo squeezed his eyes shut and turned his body around, not wanting Carrie to see the embarrassment of his actions weighing heavy on his face.
“Because I-I think I’m in love you.”
The gasp Carrie let out was highly audible, and she quickly covered her gapping mouth with her right hand. As much as it came as a horrible surprise to Carrie, she couldn’t help but feel touched by Leonardo’s affection for her. She had wanted the same out of Raphael, to hear him tell her the same thing so she could truly know that he felt the way she did. But no matter how many times she had confessed her love to Raphael, or how many times she had slept with him, he would never open up. Carrie then cursed herself for questioning how she felt about Raphael, knowing deep in her heart that it was real, but Leonardo’s unexpected kiss had accidently affected her in another way, and her growing wonder behind his confession made her suddenly feel sick with determination to find out if his feelings were true.
Carrie lowered her hands to the floor and got on her knees, crawling slowly around Leonardo’s back to meet him face to face. Leonardo lifted his head, his watery eyes showing her nothing but fear and shame, which only seemed to worsen as Carrie wiped her hands on her jeans then began to reach around his neck.
“Carrie, what-no, don’t.” Leonardo brought up his hands, blocking Carrie’s advances. “No, it was wrong. Please don’t.”
Carrie placed her slender index finger to his mouth. “It’s alright, Leo. I just... want to find out something.”
She scooted closer to him, her knees just touching him, and Carrie placed her hands just behind Leonardo’s chin, cupping his face like he had done hers. Their eyes locked, each taking some time to study the other, the fear of being discovered radiating between them. Carrie then leaned in, shutting the worries of the world around them away as her eyes closed, and softly touched her lips to Leonardo. At first she didn’t know what to do, feeling as if she had never kissed anyone before, but Leonardo pushed back at her, parting his lips slightly to delivered a deeper embrace. Carrie instantly melted into him, her hands trembling on his face as she felt Leonardo slid his hands around her back, almost pulling her into his lap. A shiver passed through her, and Carrie wished that it was from the cold air that leaked in through the window, but knew that Leonardo was having a bigger affect on her than she wanted to believe.
Leonardo felt Carrie shudder in his arms, and instead of feeling excited and relieved that he finally had his chance to let go of his bottled up emotions, Leonardo felt a growing panic crawl up from the pit of his gut. His thoughts first went to Raphael, knowing that if his brother would sudden walk in on them, he would show no mercy and beat Leonardo to a pulp. He then thought of Carrie, not of the softness of her full lips nor the gentle touch of her hands, but of how much he was confusing her. Her love was for his brother, there was no way he could change that. But then something else began to come through the darkness of his thoughts. Karai. Their first meeting after the war for the city had ended, which had started in friendly battle but ended an in explosive sexual escapade in the shadowy corners of a roof loft. He could still feel Karai grinding against him, her fingernails clawing at his shoulders, her lascivious cries echoing through the alley below. The excitement and fear of getting caught was their driving force. The driving force that made Leonardo go back to Karai over and over again. The driving force that totally blinded him to the fact that she was plotting against him and his family.
With each memory, his anger took more control of his actions. He pushed his kiss harder on Carrie, let his hands begin to roam a little too much, and ignore the rapidly growing beating of his heart, opting to instead concentrate on the heat within his shell. Carrie, on the other hand, could tell things were getting too heated and broke off the kiss, holding Leonardo back with her palms against his chest. She looked away from the lustful glare under Leonardo’s blue mask, pushing her lips together as if holding onto the sensation. It took Carrie a few minutes to face him again, but she still couldn’t find any words to speak about what had just happened. Carrie stood up, ready to walk out and forget what had just happened, but was stopped as Leonardo reached out and grabbed her left hand, his expression changing back to a teary-eyed mess of dread and disgrace. She hated seeing Leonardo so hurt, but she knew they had already dug themselves too deep in a hole of mistrust. She yanked her hand free and hurried toward the door, glancing back at Leonardo’s hunched over frame before running out into the snow.
Early the next morning, Raphael woke up to a strange noise. He hadn’t slept well all night, which was bad enough, but the hours he had managed to sleep were light, waking to every creek and crack the old house made. So when he was reawakened at 5 o’clock by the sounds in the bed next to him, Raphael was ready to punch a hole in the wall. That is until he lifted up his head and saw Carrie tossing around under the bed sheet, still naked from the night before. At first he was unmoved, but then a seemingly pleased moan erupted from deep in her throat, and Raphael flipped onto his side and scooted closer to her.
“Hello! What’s goin’ on over here?” Raphael propped his head up on his palm, his elbow resting on Carrie’s pillow, and he peered into the quivering smile she was wearing. Carrie whipped her head toward him, another moan came out, and her smile grew bigger.
“Damn!” Raphael whispered, watching Carrie arch her back a little, her hand gliding across her own stomach under the sheet. “You have no idea how hot this is! Thanks for not invitin’ me, by the way.”
Carrie then laid still, and after waiting a few more seconds, Raphael shrugged and turned over, hoping he could fall back asleep before the sun started to pour in through the lacy white curtains. His eyes were just about to close when Carrie let out a loud gasp, scaring Raphael and sending him upright into a sitting position.
“What? What’s wrong?” He asked, but then noticed that Carrie was still asleep and still unaware of what she was doing. Raphael leaned back against the headboard, bringing his knees up to his chest, and watched the show that was going on beside him.
“Whoever he is, I hope he’s havin’ fun. Lucky bastard.”
Carrie’s back curved again, her lips parting to let out another moan, and her arms slide up the satin bed sheets, her fingernails scratching at the headboard before they fell back down, leaving Carrie motionless once again.
“Oh, come on! I know ya didn’t get off that fast!” Raphael laughed, happy that Carrie couldn’t hear him. A yawn crept up on him, the desire to sleep far more alluring than what was going on beside him, but before Raphael could take a chance to lay back down, Carrie let out a small shriek. The yawn abruptly stopped, Raphael blinked stupidly as Carrie slid her own hand back under the sheet and didn’t stop until she had reached deep between her legs. She gasped again, her knees squeezing together in time with her hips, and all at once, Raphael forgot about how tired he was.
“Okay, now this ain’t fair. Ya gotta let me get in on this.” He slid down next to her, his fingers creeping down her stomach while he kissed on her neck, right above the blueish hued hickey he had given her the day before. Carrie moaned loudly to his touch, her head leaning back to expose more of her neckline. Raphael happily joined her wondering hand, and the increased pressure suddenly prompted her to speak in her sleep.
“Mmmmm, that’s good. Do it again.”
Raphael did what he was told, but noticed there was a difference in her voice. It was more demanding, more aggressive than she had ever been with him. He kissed her again, keeping his eyes on the smile on her face, a smile that he had never seen her wear before, and Raphael couldn’t feeling not only a little jealous, but a little suspicious as well.
“Ya like that? Ya want it again, baby?” Raphael whispered into Carrie’s ear, hoping he could penetrate her erotic dream.
“Yes. Touch me again.” Carrie groaned back, her hands lightly brushing across her body.
“Tell me how good it feels.” He added, nipping at her neck once more, and Carrie placed her arm around Raphael neck.
“It’s so good.” Carrie whispered, her fingers caressing the back of Raphael’s neck. She moaned again, then let out something that made Raphael’s blood run even colder than it already did.
“Leo...”
“What?” Raphael removed his hands and sat up. “Fuckin’ bit-,”
Acting on mere reflexes than rational thought, Raphael shoved at Carrie with his foot, causing her to roll over and fall face first to the floor. Carrie immediately woke up and stumbled to her knees, the bed sheet falling off her bare body to the floor.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” She screamed, her hair tossed around haphazardly from the fall. “Why did you push me off the bed?”
“I didn’t. Ya fell.” Raphael turned back over to on his side and pulled the down comforter under his chin, his eyes full of fire and now unable to find the solitude of slumber.
Carrie glared at the back of Raphael’s head as she stood up and gathered up the sheet from the floor. She slumped back on the bed, slamming the headboard into the wall and bouncing Raphael a little, and furiously tapped him on the shoulder.
“Fuckin’ sleepin’. Don’t bother me.”
Carrie’s gasped, the breath going through her nose like a cartoon dragon blowing fire. “What the fuck is your problem? Why did you push me off the bed?”
Raphael sat up and leaned into Carrie’s sleep ridden face. “Why the fuck are you havin’ sex dreams about my brother?”
All at once, Carrie’s dream flooded back to her, and the look of shock was more than enough to make Raphael even more upset.
“What are ya doin’? Fuckin’ him behind my back or somethin’?”
Carrie couldn’t react at first, the feel of Leonardo’s lips still burning on hers, the guilt of going for more weighed heavily on her heart. She stared Raphael down, knowing he could see there was something she wasn’t telling him. Before he could open his mouth again, Carrie made tears well up in her eyes and was soon balling on his shoulder.
“I’ve just been so worried about him, Raph!” Her lie was only half wrong, but hoped it was enough to throw Raphael off track. “He hasn’t been himself lately. I don’t think he’s even ate anything in days!”
Raphael squinted his eyes, his mouth curling into a confused sneer. “Ya gotta be kiddin’ me.” He pushed Carrie back, his fingers squeezing into her upper arms. “Since when did ya care so much? Ya haven’t talk to him in days!”
Carrie sniffed, quickly thinking of more to say. “I checked on him. Today, while you were watching the game. He’s not well.”
Raphael arched a brow and frowned. “What are ya tryin’ to cover up?”
“Can I not be a concerned friend?” Carrie screamed, turning up the drama a notch by shoving herself away from Raphael’s hands and sitting on the side of the bed, her arms wrapped around her bare chest as the forced tears continued to fall.
“I just want you guys to make peace with each other. He needs you, Raph. But you’re just too selfish to care about anyone else but yourself!”
Raphael was hit hard by her last few words, and tossed his angry feelings aside as he took Carrie back into his arms.
“Alright, alright, calm down. Quit yer blubberin’!” His kissed her head, then stroked at her untamed hair. “I’ll go talk ta him, okay? I’ll fix everythin’.”
“Thank you.” Carrie hugged Raphael tightly, blowing out a silent sigh of relief as she wiped her tears away. “You don’t know how much it will mean to him. To me.”
“Yeah, whatever.” Raphael grumbled, letting out another yawn. “Can it wait a while though? I didn’t sleep enough last night. I’m fuckin’ dead.
Carrie shrugged, once again faking her response by pouting. “I guess it can wait.” She pushed Raphael down and laid next to him, resting her head on his chest. She swept her fingers across his plates, careful to avoid the massive scar that she had sown herself months ago. Raphael stirred under her touches and rolled over on his side to face her. Carrie smiled, finding herself lost again in his gaze and the enchanting smile that made her melt away.
“Yer so beautiful,” He whispered, brushing a lock of hair out of her face. “ And ya got such a big heart. How’d I get so lucky?”
Carrie almost found herself in tears again, not by Raphael’s words, but by the guilt that burned deep in her stomach. She caressed Raphael’s face and stared into his, wanting to confess everything that she had done, but held back out of the fear of his temper. Instead she kissed him softly and smiled.
“I love you.”
Raphael froze, his mouth gapping but nothing coming out. “Uh, yeah. Me too.”
Carrie giggled lightly and smiled again. “I love you, Raph.”
“Uh, yeah. I said, ‘me too’. Geesh.”
The smile vanished and the tears reappeared. “Why won’t you say it, Raph? I want to hear you say it.”
Raphael sighed as Carrie escaped his arms and sat up. “Why do you havta hear it? What’s the big deal? Can’t ya tell I do?”
Carrie said nothing, just lost herself in the dark cherry doors of her closet. She absentmindedly climbed off the bed and put on the pile of clothes that were laying on the floor. Raphael then sat up, watching as Carrie pulled up her grey yoga pants and shoved her arms through the holes in her grey hoodie, noting that Carrie growled loudly in annoyance when the zipper stuck twice before it went up all the way.
“What now?” Raphael climbed out from his side of the bed and began to put on his padding, hopping across the floor to stop Carrie from walking out of the room. “Where are ya goin’?”
Carrie blew a puff of air at her bangs and crossed her arms. “For a walk. Get out of my way.”
“I can’t believe yer gettin’ pissed over this!” Raphael tied his bandanna on. “ Yer makin’ a big deal outta nothin’!”
“Nothing? Nothing!” Carrie screamed from behind her clenched teeth. “No, I think I have every right to make a big deal out of this, Raph! I have done everything for you! I’ve opened myself up to you. I’ve-I’ve been trying so hard to make you happy! I’ve even let you sleep with me again! And you’re telling me that asking for this little thing from you is nothing?”
“Carrie, I didn’t mean that! I just-,” Raphael was cut short Carrie shoved her palm at him, the hurt in her face enough to make him back down.
“I’m just so sick of putting my heart out to someone who won’t give anything back!” Carrie screamed into her fists, the tears no longer faked. “I thought I was right about you. I wanted to be right about you! Everything just felt so...real.”
“This is real, Carrie.” Raphael cautiously touched her shoulder. “Ya know I care about ya. Why are ya sayin’ all this bullshit?”
“Then tell me, Raphael!” Carrie shoved his hand away as she cried out. “Say it!”
“I- I-,” Raphael saw the longing in Carrie’s eyes, his arms aching to hold her, but the words just couldn’t form on his tongue, and he lowered his sad brown eyes to the floor. “I....can’t”
“Of course you can’t.” Carrie snapped, then pushed by Raphael and out the bedroom door. She got to the edge of the staircase before he stopped her once again.
“Ain’t ya gonna let me explain why?”
Carrie shook her head and narrowed her watery eyes. “Forget it. I don’t give a shit about it anymore. And I want you out of my house.”
As Carrie turned for the steps, Raphael spoke, a hint of desperation in his voice. “What?”
“When I get back from my walk, you better out of my house. I’m not very fond of freeloaders.”
Carrie pounded down the stairs and out the back door, her tears along with the burn of the sun on the snow blinding her sight, but it didn’t matter. Carrie knew where she was going, and she also knew that Leonardo would be there waiting for her.
- 15
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Writings of the Heart