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Writings of the Heart	By : meathead13 Category: Comics > Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Views: 3683 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 9
- 10
- 11
Chapter Ten: Conversations
A week consists of seven days, and each day felt like a lifetime to Carrie as she ricocheted around her once quiet and normal life trying to hide all of secrets that had seemed to manifest around her. If she wasn’t being bombarded by questions by Barry as to why she was going out to the barn all hours of the day, it was keeping her illicit affair with Raphael away from Leonardo, which in itself had become a difficult task as Raphael chose the most outlandish spots for their little erotic trysts, knowing that either his brother or Barry were within hearing range. Carrie thought at first the wild romps were exhilarating, but the closer they came to being caught, the fun started to fall from it, and Carrie began to believe that Raphael was only doing it now to excite himself, and further embarrass her. As the days went on, Carrie made herself more absent from the Turtles and stayed holed up in her study, typing away at her book, and hoped with a sickened heart that the mutants would find a way to get back to their family. She hated the thought of being so spiteful, even to Leonardo, who had shown her nothing but kindness and understanding, but Carrie knew it was for her own sanity, and her crippled emotions, that she was doing the right thing.
The deep snow crunched softly under Raphael’s feet as he quickened his pace through the woods, knowing that if he wasn’t back where he was supposed to be, his brother would surely strip the shell from his back. But it wasn’t like Raphael really cared. He had been making Leonardo extremely angry over the past few days by not doing what he was supposed to be doing, or being where he was supposed to be. He knew his brother’s tolerance was thinning out, and Raphael was running out of excuses to use. Several times Raphael had wanted to tell Leonardo the truth about his fling with Carrie, but deep down, Raphael already had the feeling the his very intuitive brother already knew.
As Raphael pushed on past the thick clusters of pine trees, he began to wonder about Carrie again. Her behavior towards him had suddenly turned malicious, and her responses to his sexual advances were more than just a mere shove or a playful punch. And the last three days that they went without getting home cooked meals delivered to the barn only heightened Raphael’s deeply hidden concerns. He found himself worrying over Carrie’s thoughts of him, sadden by her rejections, and even a little heartbroken that she had stopped coming to see them. Raphael grumbled at himself, sickened at the thought of actually feeling something for Carrie, and he told himself he knew better than that little voice inside of him that he was defiantly not the type that had feelings for anyone.
Raphael skidded to a stop in the middle of a grove of sycamores and whipped his head around as he looked for any signs of his brother. He wasn’t sure how long he had been gone, or exactly how far it was from the house to their meeting point, and Raphael hoped with everything that he had inside of him that Leonardo was still out in the woods.
“Where have you been?”
Raphael slowly turned his eyes upward and felt his hopes slid away. Leonardo was perched on a branch, hanging upside down by his knees, the look on his face enough to give Raphael more shivers than the cold snow on the ground.
“I was-out there. Still lookin’, ya know?” Raphael rubbed at the chill on his forearms, dodging the mean stare his brother was giving him.
Leonardo released his knees from the branch and landed perfectly on his feet, his eyes still fixed on Raphael. “Don’t lie to me, Raph. I know you took off. I know you went back to the house. I followed you there and all the way back.”
“So what if I did?” Raphael pulled up his invisible wall and glared back. “ Why the hell didja follow me for?”
“We are supposed to be looking for your bike!” Leonardo jumped into Raphael’s face, letting out his pent up anger through his voice. “That was our plan, remember?! To find your bike and fix it so we could go back to the city!”
“No! That was your plan, Leo!” Raphael yelled back. “ I never agreed to nothin’ ya came up with!”
Leonardo crossed his arms and sneered, totally conscience but not caring about the words that were about to come out of his mouth.
“No, of course not , Raph. I forgot that you seem to care more about screwing our hostess than finding our family!”
Raphael’s eyes doubled in shock as the realization of Leonardo’s accusation sunk into his head.
“How-why- how can ya say somethin’ like that?!” He moved closer to Leonardo and pushed at his shoulders. “”How couldja stand there and say that I don’t care about the others?! Fuckin’ accuse me of doin’ shit with Carrie-,”
“Would you stop acting like I don’t know what’s going on?!” Leonardo’s voice rose an octave as his hands clenched. “I’m not stupid, Raph! It’s a little hard to hide something like that when you guys are going at it right next to my head while I’m trying to sleep!”
Raphael relaxed the tension in his body and began to laugh. “Yeah. I forgot ya were a light sleeper.”
Leonardo sighed and growled at the smug smile on his brother’s face. “Look, Raph, the point is you can’t keep leading Carrie on like that. You’re going to end up hurting her-,”
“What?!” Raphael’s laughter rose higher. “Oh, fuck, my gut hurts!”
“Why are you laughing about that?”
Raphael wiped at the tears in his eyes then shook his head. “Bro, I know ya think Carrie is some emotionally clingy person like you are, but the reality of it is she knows that there ain’t no strings attached ta what we’re doin’. Just think of as gettin’ off for gettin’ off’s sake.”
Leonardo wrinkled his nose. “That’s disgusting.”
“Trust me, Leo.” Raphael patted his brother shoulder then gave it a hearty squeeze. “There ain’t nothin’ complicated about it. And if ya don’t believe me, go ask Carrie yerself. She’ll tell ya the same damn thing.”
“It’s still revolting,” Leonardo pulled away from Raphael and shuddered from the naughty visions that suddenly appeared in his head that contradicted his words. “I don’t see how you can keep doing that and even try to care about someone.”
“What? And give up my freedom to become a sobbing mess like you?” Raphael laughed again, his chuckles echoing around them as he started to walk away. “ The way I see it, things are way easier if ya just fuck ‘em and leave ‘em.”
“If you say so,” Leonardo shrugged, still uncomfortable with Raphael’s view point. “But haven’t you ever wondered about it? How great it would be to love one person completely?”
Raphael stopped dead in his tracks and swallowed at the lump in his throat, scared that Leonardo was reading his mind and probing at his deepest thoughts. He let out a cough then turned back around, his lips curled into a false expression of disgust.
“What the fuck is this? Some Dr. Phil special?” Raphael let out a growl then turned back around, mocking Leonardo’s words under his breath as the two of them started their search over again. “Just cause ya had some kind of sick thing with Karai doesn’t mean I gotta do the same.”
“Excuse me?” Leonardo pulled Raphael back by his arm. “ It was not some sick thing, okay? And you promised me you wouldn’t bring that back up!”
“Oh, for cryin’ out loud, Leo!” Raphael threw his arms into the air as his last inch of patience disappeared. “ Would ya just get over it already?! I don’t give a rat’s ass about it! Whatever the fuck you and yer hard-on want ta bang, that’s yer fuckin’ business! And I would really appreciate it if ya just stayed outta mine!” He inhaled deeply, then exhaled slowly to regain his composure.
“Now, if ya don’t mind, I gotta find my fuckin’ bike so I can get back ta my family.”
Raphael raged off into the woods, leaving Leonardo to stand alone in his self-made storm of hurt and confusion.
*************
“Tell me, Jackie,” Taylor whispered as he stroked Jackie’s tear-soaked cheek, the warmth of her full bodied flush venting through them. “Tell me what Luke can give you that I can’t?”
Jackie pushed back the scream that perched on the edge of her tongue. Her body shook uncontrollably, but she knew it wasn’t from the intense orgasm that Taylor had just given her. She was scared of him, scared of what he was capable of, scared of what everyone in her family would do if they found about their affair. She thought of Luke, how he was far across the ocean waters, fighting for his country, and she wanted nothing more than to feel his gentle touch on her body instead of the rough strokes Taylor was applying to her white velvet skin.
“Jackie,” Taylor pushed his rock hard, sweaty body against her, his deep voice almost warning her from giving too much thought into her answer. “Tell me what makes Luke better than me?”
After swallowing the lump in her throat, Jackie took in a sharp breath and replied in a self-assured tone that even surprised her.
“The bond I share with Luke is greater than anything you could ever give me, Taylor. I may have given into you and let you sleep in my bed, but there is a feeling that is much stronger than lust. It’s called love, and it’s something that I could never, ever feel for you.”
Carrie sat back in her chair, her fingers rubbing at the bridge of her nose, cringing at the ache that her reading glasses were bringing to her eyes. She then subconsciously reached for the bag of mini peanut butter cups that sat just above her keyboard, only to look down and find she had eaten the entire thing, a scattered pile of foil and paper wrappers left behind. Carrie cursed at herself as she brushed the wrappers into the wastebasket next to her desk, then pulled back a drawer to scrounge around for more chocolate. She pulled out handful of peppermint patties and viscously attacked the silver wrappers. After shoving three into her mouth at once, Carrie re-read over the chapter she had just typed, not caring if it had turned out the way she had wanted it too. The book was almost complete, way ahead of schedule as Barry had wanted, and Carrie was glad there was only one more chapter to go. All she had to do was bring Luke home from the war, reunite him with Jackie, make her illicit affair with Taylor long forgotten, and Carrie could go back into her own world of solitude where there were no mutant turtles using her for sex or pushy editors breathing down her neck.
The radio near the window started to play My Happy Ending, Carrie’s favorite Avril Lavigne song, and she nodded her head to the beat, her thoughts going to Mark as they always did when she heard that song. She popped two more patties into her mouth and laid her head back the top of the chair, her blonde hair falling as she pulled it out of the ponytail that had held it all day. Carrie let her voice rise as the song continued, not caring that Barry was across the hall sleeping, nor did she take heed to the sudden clicking as the lock of the study’s window opened and a shadowy figure crept across the plush carpeting.
“Carrie.”
The scream that rose from her lungs was silenced by a green hand, and Carrie whirled around in her chair to come face to face with Leonardo.
“I swear I’m buying bells to put on your neck!” Carrie pointed an angry finger at the blue-masked turtle, her heart still racing in her chest. “What are you doing in here anyway?”
Leonardo looked down at the floor as Carrie’s aggressive glare made him feel guilty. “I, uh, I was wondering if you had any scrap pieces of metal hanging around anywhere.”
Carrie blinked her eyes in confusion to his strange request. “Uh, you can use that old tractor that’s sitting in the barn. I have no need for it.”
“Okay,” Leonardo rubbed the back of his head, then turned to the window. “Well, thanks. And good night.”
“Wait, wait.” Carrie threw her glasses to the desk and pulled Leonardo back. “Are you even going to tell me why you need scrap metal?”
“We found Raph’s bike.” Leonardo gave his answer in short sentences, still refusing to look Carrie in the face. “He’s fixing it right now. Should be out of here in a few days.” He again tried to leave but found himself right back in front of Carrie.
“Leo, what’s wrong?” Carrie stood up so she could look directly into his brown eyes. “Why are you acting so funny?”
Leonardo exhaled and finally made eye contact with Carrie. “It’s.....”
“And don’t you dare say it’s nothing or I’ll kick your ass!”
Leonardo rolled his eyes and let himself fall back against the pillows that sat on the bench beneath the window sill, waiting as Carrie shut down her computer and joined him before speaking.
“I know.”
Carrie froze in place, her mouth opened just enough to bring in a deep breath. “You know about what?”
Leonardo laughed and shook his head. “Come on, Carrie. Raph couldn’t pull the ‘playing dumb’ act off either. I know about you guys, okay?”
“Oh. Okay.” Carrie began to hang her head, feeling more sickened than shameful, but felt Leonardo’s hand pushed it back up.
“I’m not upset at you. It’s-him that I’m pissed at.” Leonardo felt a shiver go through him, knowing it more anger-related than weather-related. “I should have known he was going to-to......he just does it all the time and it makes me sick!”
Carrie let her expression soften and she took Leonardo’s hands into her own. “Leo, it’s okay. It’s sweet that you’re concerned but, you don’t need to worry about me. I was more at fault for letting it all happen than Raph was.”
“Huh?” Leonardo asked, his eyes suddenly huge.
“It’s kind of an embarrassing, personal thing, but-,” Carrie felt her cheeks blush at Leonardo’s shocked expression. “I like-I just have these sexual urges and your brother just, well, pushed all of the right buttons, so to speak, and-,”
“Okay! I don’t need to hear this!” Leonardo jerked his hands away and placed them on the sides of his head. “Please spare me the details.”
“God, Leo,” Carrie laughed and pulled Leonardo’s hands back down in her lap. “All I’m saying is Raph just fulfilled something I’ve needed for a while. That’s all.”
Leonardo shuddered again, his brain swarming with dirty images that he couldn’t shake. “So, you really don’t want more from him?”
“Oh, god, no!” Carrie also shuddered. “He’s a pig! How could any girl put up with that for an extended period of time?”
“He’s not that bad,” Leonardo heard himself say, silently wondering why he was defending his brother. “Raph just likes to act like he doesn’t care about anything-or anyone, for that matter. It takes a lot to bring it out of him. I think it makes him feels weak if he opens up.”
“You know him better than I do.” Carrie scoffed. “But, anyway, you don’t have to worry about us doing that anymore. I got what I wanted and I cut him off.”
“I never would have thought you were like that.” Leonardo gazed deep into Carrie’s eyes, unaware that he pushed a few locks of her hair behind her ear. “You just seemed more-loving, I guess.”
Carrie blushed at Leonardo’s act of kindness and let out a hurtful sighed. “I used to be, but something happened that changed all of that. I’ve had to learn to detach myself emotional wise from people. I never try to get close to anyone anymore.”
“What happened?” Leonardo asked, suddenly concerned as he wiped away the tear that ran down Carrie’s cheek.
Carrie let out another sigh as a few more tears found their way down her face.
“When I first moved here, I had a hard time adjusting. It was such a far cry from the fast paced life I knew in L.A., and living where I do, so far from town, I really didn’t get out and meet people. Barry was the one who gave me the push out the door, so to speak, and made me travel with him on the weekends to hit the various clubs scenes around the area. I’m such a homebody, and I hate going to places like that, but Barry told me I needed to get out and enjoy life before I got old and resented myself for not doing so.”
“So, do you always do what people tell you to?” Leonardo interrupted with a sly grin on his face.
Carrie giggled and turned her eyes to the stars in the darken sky. “Yes, I can be quite the pushover, and it was even worse when I was younger and more naive.” She sniffed back another tear, her gaze drifting over to the lights in the barn. “ I was the perfect human doormat, and I think that’s what attracted Mark to me in the first place.”
“Mark?” Leonardo asked, and Carrie quickly brought her eyes back to him.
“It was the night we went down to Albany to try out this new club that had just opened. I had a few too many, and I’m not very good at holding my alcohol. So there I was, drunk off my ass, attempting to play a game of pool, all by myself, and using the wrong end of the stick. Suddenly, this tall, gorgeous blonde comes up to me with this blaring white smile and these bright green eyes, wraps his arms around me and shows me the ‘right’ way to play pool. Of course I was so juiced up that I just flirted right back, unaware that I was making a fool of myself in the process. But I am proud to say I didn’t go home with him that night.”
“Well, that’s good.” Leonardo nodded.
“Not really, because he actually came home with me.” Carrie blushed again and let out a small laugh at Leonardo’s wrinkled forehead and arched brow. “I know it was wrong, both I think I was just so lonely, and obviously too drunk to even care. But that’s how I met Mark. Pretty playboy Mark Roman, heir to the ski resort kingdom that rules over the Northern Half of the United States.”
“Oookay,” Leonardo replied to Carrie’s fairytale-like description about the man she had grown to hate.
“I don’t know exactly what I saw in him.” Carrie continued, her voice wavering between sadness and anger. “His outside appearance was the only beautiful thing about him. Mark was, well, still is- mean, manipulative, and so spoiled. He never made me feel good about myself. He would always down my writing, told me I would never make it as a writer. I don’t think once in the four years I was with him did I ever get a kind word from him.”
“You stayed with him for how long?!” Leonardo gasped.
“Like I said, I was naive.” Carrie hung her head. “Even when I did try to end things, he would always tell me that no one would ever want me, that I needed to stay with him because I couldn’t survive on my own. He totally controlled every aspect of my life, and I was too weak to get away from him. I thought his reasons behind treating me so horribly was because he loved me, so I gave into him time and time again. The sad part was that I really did love him, even after I realized he didn’t want to return it.”
Leonardo sighed and pushed back more of Carrie’s hair away from the tears on her face. “I know how that feels.”
“What?” Carrie’s head shot up and she wiped at her face. “You know how what feels?”
“How to have someone not return your love. How you can give yourself completely to another and get nothing back.” Leonardo looked out into the night sky, his thoughts drifting back into his past. “Guess that statement you made about the line between sex and love being blurred was true.”
“But-but I thought you’d never-,”
Leonardo smiled as his eyes drifted back to Carrie. “It’s not important right now. Please, go on.”
Carrie took a second to regain her thoughts, then started to talk again, even though she continued to think about Leonardo’s comment as she spoke.
“ It was near the end of June, and Mark’s father had pushed him into purposing to me, which I knew even then that he didn’t really want to do. I reluctantly accepted, throwing out the dream I had of being a writer. I was ready to give up everything that I ever wanted in life just to stay with him. But just a few weeks before the wedding, I found out that Mark was cheating on me. Not just once, but during the entire time we had been seeing each other.”
“That’s horrible.” Was the only thing Leonardo could say as Carrie swept away more tears.
“It was then that I realized what was really going on, who and what Mark really was, and how much of my happiness I had wasted staying with him. I don’t think he expected me to lash out like I did. I threw him out of my house, took all of his belongings to Main Street and set them on fire, right in the middle of the day so the whole town could see how much he hurt me.” Carrie smiled through her tears and laughed slightly. “I can still remember Mark screaming at me in front of everyone, calling me an insane bitch as he hopped around the bonfire. The whole town was laughing at him. It embarrassed him so bad that he left town. He just recently came back, but five months isn’t long enough for this small town to forget things like that.”
Leonardo smiled again, happy to see Carrie laughing. “So, that was who we saw with in the video store that night?”
The laughter died all at once and Carrie felt another veil of sadness fall over her. “Yeah, but seeing him again- it just opens up all of those old emotional scars that I had tried so had to hide. He still has the ability to hurt me, to make me feel like a worthless person, even though I know that I’m not.”
“I’m glad you know that. You are defiantly not worthless.” Leonardo reached out and placed his hand on Carrie’s shoulder, only to have Carrie fall forward into his welcoming embrace. She closed her eyes, placed her arms around his shell and snuggled up closer to his chest plates, which suddenly warmed from the heat of her flush cheeks.
“I told myself after he left that I would never let anyone take control of me like that ever again. I would just shut off my feelings and get what I wanted, then toss them aside like it was nothing.” Carrie opened her eyes, the music in the background fading in and out of her ears. “That’s what I was doing with Raph. I just wanted to get out all of that sexual tension that I had been holding onto for so long. Is that wrong of me, Leo?”
Leonardo sighed as he felt Carrie tighten her grasp on him and he laid his head down on top of hers.
“I can see where you’re hurt and would want to take it out on someone else, and Raph really needs to know what it’s like to be on the other side. He’s done it to so many others, and he goes on like it was nothing.” Leonardo then pulled Carrie back and gazed into her eyes. “But, I don’t think it’s right. All you end up doing is hurting yourself all over again. You’re too kind to be like that, and Raph-well, he’ll wake up one day and realize, in his own way, what he’s been doing.”
Carrie inhaled sharply, trying to hold back the flood in her eyes, knowing that Leonardo was right and it caused her to become disgusted with herself.
“I didn’t want to hurt him, Leo. God, I really am sick in the head! I’ll never get past this!”
Leonardo shook his head. “No. You’re still suffering from a broken heart, and its confusing your judgement.” He then paused as Raphael’s words came back to him and suddenly cleared his mind.. “You just need to let things go.”
Carrie let her tears fall as she placed her head back against Leonardo’s chest and took in a deep breath, her body tightened as she felt Leonardo tense up again. The uncomfortable strain that she had noticed weeks ago between them suddenly reappeared, and Carrie was overcome with fear that she was starting to fall for Leonardo, but quickly shook it off, knowing that it had to be his understanding nature that was making Carrie feel the way she did. She was safe with him, and she wanted to keep it that way. But the tension in Leonardo’s body was becoming more apparent, and Carrie took that as a signal to back off from her embrace.
She pulled back and wiped at her cheeks, then noticed the look of fear that was smeared across Leonardo’s face. Carrie then turned in the direction of Leonardo’s horrified stare and realized that she was not the one who had made him tense up. It was the disheveled figure in the doorway that was wearing a blue t-shirt and striped pajama pants that had actually scared Leonardo, and all the figure could do was rub at his blurry vision to make sure he wasn’t dreaming about seeing his friend in the arms of a giant turtle.
“Barry, wait. I can explain-” Carrie jumped to her feet and rushed to the door, only to have Barry stop her with his open palm shooting into her face.
“Girlie, I think we’ve got some things to talk about.”
- 9
- 10
- 11
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Writings of the Heart