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JOHN/ROSE: AWKWARDLY ADDRESS ATTRACTION	By : CarcinoGeneticist Category: Web Comics > Homestuck Views: 2912 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures,or any of the characters within, and I make no money from these writings.

Chapter List
- 1-JOHN/ROSE: AWKWARDLY ADDRESS ATTRACTION
- 1
Written for a prompt from the kink meme at homesmut, the livejournal Adult fan-community for Homestuck. Enjoy.

JOHN/ROSE: AWKWARDLY ADDRESS ATTRACTION

--tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]—

TT: Hello, John.
EB: no I would not like to play a game!
TT: What a perfectly reasonable and sensible response.
TT: I can only assume I have set a new record by wandering aimlessly into your movie quote world in less than three words.
EB: heheheh!
EB: you assume correctly.
EB: it’s from saw, you see (heheh!)
EB: the killer is named john and he likes to play games!
EB: DEADLY games!
TT: Yes, I am familiar with the movies. They are astoundingly morbid.
TT: And also rather terrible.
EB: wrong they are awesome.
TT: I confess myself shocked a loving family such as yours ever let you near such gore-fests.
EB: i am crafty like that. my tricky ways are so crafty i can prank in near-invisibility!
EB: you might even say i’m…
EB: a ghostly trickster? 8)
TT: Of course you are, John.
EB: yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!
TT: Those sure are letters.
TT: But that is neither here nor there.
TT: I wanted to inquire as to how you are adjusting.
EB: huh?
EB: oh, uh. fine, i guess.
EB: the new universe is cool and stuff and the trolls are actually pretty good at building cool houses for everyone and it’s gonna be the coolest new planet ever.
TT: That is certainly a lot of cool.
EB: but i dunno it doesn’t feel as cool as i thought it would.
EB: i guess i just always expected to be doing it all with my dad.
TT: An understandable emotion, as well as an expected one. Hence my inquiry. I grudgingly miss my mother as well.
TT: For what it’s worth, it helped me to move on when I recalled that it was the natural way of things for children to outlive their parents.
TT: But I don’t expect that to be terribly comforting to you, so contrary to my nature I feel I must urge you to “look on the bright side.”
EB: uh? what bright side are we talking about?
TT: There are numerous positives to observe about our present situation. For example, through some baffling game construct, Sburb was kind enough to continue to allow us access to our old internet, and everything that goes with it.
TT: At the very least it makes keeping in contact far easier.
EB: yeah that’s true.
EB: oooohhhh, and you know what else?
EB: i can still access all my movies and stuff!
EB: oh man i can’t believe i didn’t think of that before! i was afraid they’d be gone forever!
TT: Yes, it would truly be a tragedy if such timeless classics as Little Monsters were lost in the endless abyss of paradox space, never to return again.
EB: yes. yes it would be.
TT: Would it further cheer you up to know that I forced myself to watch a Nicholas Cage movie so that we may discuss it and take your mind off the negatives of our situation?
EB: oh man, would it ever!!
EB: which movie did you watch? was it con air?
TT: No, John, you are already more than sufficiently obsessed with that movie.
EB: bluh. bluh i say.
TT: Actually it was a film called “Kick-Ass.”
EB: ……
EB: what.
TT: What?
EB: rose i am the biggest nic cage fan ever except maybe for vriska.
EB: but that movie is terrible!!
TT: Really?
TT: I found it to be a delightfully realistic and down to earth deconstruction of the vigilante superhero fantasy.
TT: It depicted the very real and serious toll such a lifestyle would take upon the human body and psyche, even to those most highly and expertly trained in the craft.
EB: rose it was supposed to be a comedy!
TT: It’s true that many elements of it were played for laughs, but that does not discredit the humor’s basis in truth and reality.
EB: but nic cage played such a terrible character!
EB: what kind of caring father that’s supposed to be on the side of good would brainwash his loving daughter into being a horrible killer?
TT: John, you really cannot expect every role he plays to be reminiscent of his street-tough maverick of a convict on an airplane.
TT: Yes, he was a rather terrible father by conventional standards. That was the point.
TT: He put his daughter through the hells of the real world before she even reached puberty, and then died.
TT: He utterly deprived her of the true innocence of childhood, and what little of it remained he either perverted into furthering their vigilante career, or destroyed with his death.
TT: That is how vigilante heroism would be in the real world, away from mutant powers and radioactive insects and magic rings.
EB: rose you’re totally missing the point!
EB: superhero movies are SUPPOSED to be a fantasy!
EB: duh, of course it’s not at all realistic, but who cares?
EB: being realistic was never even on the radar!
EB: i mean come on, some of the first superheroes were a totally human-looking alien wearing underwear on the outside, and a billionaire who somehow knows every martial art ever and ran around in bat pajamas!
TT: Touché.
TT: And yet, movies based on comics these days have been trying quite hard to be gritty and realistic.
TT: Except they can’t ever be fully successful, because they’re afraid to cause anything resembling serious, lasting harm to such precious and long-lived characters.
TT: Kick-Ass did not have that handicap, and was thus unafraid to hurt its characters as severely as was necessary to make its point.
EB: bluh…
EB: everything is such a big psychobabble subject for you!
EB: that movie was factually terrible and i will hear no more of your asinine tomfoolery!
TT: Was there no part of the film you liked at all?
EB: not really.
EB: eh, well okay, i guess lyndsy fonseca was pretty hot.
TT: Ah yes, of course.
TT: How could I have forgotten the brilliant cinematic device of the generically attractive young adult female with a tease of a topless scene?
EB: psh, that doesn’t count, you never actually see her…
EB: uh.
EB: you know…
TT: Breasts?
EB: aheh. yeah, that.
EB: er, those.
EB: wow, sorry, i shouldn’t have even typed that in the first place.
EB: can we pretend i didn’t type all that just now?
TT: It’s not a dirty word, you know.
TT: In fact, quite the opposite, it’s commonly accepted as proper anatomical terminology.
EB: well yeah, but…
EB: sheesh, rose, it’s quite ungentlemanly for a boy to say things about…those parts, in the presence of a lady!
TT: What parts, John? I am afraid I am not sure what you are referring to.
EB: …huh?
TT: What parts are ungentlemanly to talk about?
EB: aw come on rose, stop messing with me.
EB: you know what i meant, we were just talking about it.
TT: I’m afraid I have forgotten. You’ll have to clarify your statements, John.
EB: roooooooose quit it, i am not going to say it!
TT: Say what, John?
EB: argh!
EB: you’re enjoying this, aren’t you!
TT: A little.
TT: It’s kind of adorable watching you squirm.
EB: watching?
EB: you mean you can see me?
TT: Of course. Can’t you see me?
EB: no! what gave you that idea?
TT: …Oh.
TT: Forgive me, I had assumed the trolls had installed their trollian viewport program for you as well and I had begun to treat it as though it were a video phone. Clearly I was mistaken.
EB: wait, so you’ve just been sitting there laughing at me turning all red and flustered?!
TT: I apologize.
TT: An error in assumption, it won’t happen again.
TT: I’ve closed the viewport now, if that makes you feel better.
EB: a little…
EB: but jeez, can’t a guy be embarrassed in peace!
TT: Are you really that unsettled by the mere mention of female-specific anatomy?
EB: i dunno, it just feels…dirty!
EB: cuz, y’know, you’re a girl and stuff.
TT: I see.
TT: I will choose to ignore the inherent and, likely, unintentional sexism in that statement.
EB: er…yeah, that…wow, i am so sorry, i totally didn’t mean that to sound sexist.
TT: I know you didn’t, John.
TT: But out of curiosity, what if I told you I have no qualms about discussing any subject that may broach the territory of female anatomy?
EB: uh…if you told me that then i would ask if you really meant it, because i would have a hard time believing it!
TT: Fair enough.
TT: Yes, I really mean it.
EB: …wait, so it’s not a what-if, you’re really saying that?
TT: Yes, John. I thought that was obvious.
EB: oh.
EB: uh.
EB: wow.
EB: for real?
TT: I promise, John, I will not be horrified and offended whatsoever by you saying the word ‘breasts.’
TT: Or in fact any word relating to anatomy and sex.
TT: Truth be told I would almost prefer if you did discuss it.
EB: …you would?
TT: Most definitely.
EB: …uh.
EB: i don’t get it, why?
TT: A number of reasons, not the least of which is that repression is unhealthy. Particularly with regard to sexuality. Repression of natural instincts and urges over long periods of time often results in sexual deviancy.
TT: So really, forcing yourself to avoid talking about it is, in fact, the less gentlemanly choice.
TT: As amusing as it has been to see you so flustered.
EB: bluh…i am so lost.
EB: how on earth did you get to sex from talking about breasts?
TT: Really, John, the context was a scene in a movie where the entire point of the moment was to be excited by the fact that an attractive female was half-naked and might potentially expose her breasts.
TT: Sex was involved from the start.
EB: oh…
EB: well, okay i guess when you put it that way it kinda makes sense…
EB: that still doesn’t mean i wanna talk about…those things, though!
TT: Come now, John, I’ve already relaxed you enough to say the real words, let’s not take a step back to lame and imprecise euphemisms.
EB: what?
EB: oh crap, i did say them, didn’t i?
TT: You did indeed. And you’ll notice I am still here, perfectly calm and un-offended.
EB: bluh…you are learning my trickster ways!
TT: Perhaps. But let’s not change the subject.
EB: argh!
EB: why do you want me to talk about some random movie girl’s nakedness so much?
EB: aren’t you supposed to be…
EB: i dunno…
EB: jealous or something?
TT: Not at all. Why would I be jealous?
TT: Is that why you’re acting so awkward? You think it’s going to make me jealous to talk about another girl’s looks?
EB: um…
EB: wow.
EB: jeez.
EB: maybe? i guess?
TT: John, I’m almost insulted, you know me better than that.
TT: But for what it’s worth I did not mean to imply you should talk with brazen crudeness about the one specific example of breasts.
TT: I just wish you wouldn’t feel like you have to censor yourself for me in general.
TT: You can speak freely with me. I encourage it.
EB: okay okay sheesh!
EB: next time i think about breasts i’ll make sure you’re the first person to know, happy?
TT: Quite.
EB: hah you say that now.
EB: maybe you won’t be so happy if next time it’s yours i’m talking about!
EB: heheh got you now!
EB: what do you think of that miss smarty pants!
TT: I would be okay with that.
EB: …buwha?
TT: Are you interested in talking about my breasts, John?
EB: um.
EB: well…
TT: No lying, now.
EB: er…
EB: i, uh…
EB: i plead the fifth?
TT: Interesting. I’m not hearing a ‘no.’
EB: man, that’s not what you were supposed to say!
EB: okay that’s it, i am calling shenanigans!
EB: rose what is going on, why are you acting so strange and…weirdly sexy?
TT: Drat, I’ve been discovered.
TT: Very well, I will attempt to be less coy and subtle.
TT: Are you interested in a relationship with me, John?
EB: ……
EB: wow.
EB: uhm.
EB: wow.
EB: a relationship?
EB: where on earth did THAT idea come from?
EB: i mean not that i’m saying anything about it one way or the other, but like, that’s a really random thing to suddenly ask!
TT: Is it?
TT: John, I’m fairly sure the idea of you and I having a romantic entanglement has been on your mind for some time, ever since you saw Karkat’s shipping diagram, though you were unwilling to bring it up while we had our critical in-game tasks to concern ourselves with.
TT: Hence, I am attempting to address it with you now that our game session has finished.
EB: gah!
EB: you mean you know about that stupid thing?
TT: Yes. Though it was of no real surprise to me, I had come to the same conclusions independently with respect to both genetic relation and species repopulation.
EB: oh jeez…
TT: It’s alright, John, it was really no terrible shock to my system, I’m quite okay with the knowledge.
EB: you are?
EB: wait, are you saying the shipping diagram didn’t bother you, like…at all?
TT: Of course not.
TT: You’ll recall I said there were several reasons I wished you to be comfortable talking about sexuality with me?
TT: This would be another of my reasons.
TT: John, all sass and sarcasm aside, you are easily the most sweet, loyal, caring and romantic boy I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.
TT: I have no objections whatsoever to the idea of being destined for one another.
EB: oh.
EB: oh wow.
EB: really?
TT: Mmhmm.
EB: even about…
EB: y’know…
EB: the ‘repopulating’ part?
EB: jeez I’m glad you turned off the viewport because i am mad blushy right now…
TT: John, I still recall insisting we avoid the euphemisms.
TT: But yes.
TT: You and I having sex is certainly not an unpleasant thought.
EB: augh jeez rose don’t say it like that!!
TT: John, remember what I said about censoring yourself being undesirable?
EB: yeah i do, but…
EB: just hear me out for a second!
EB: yeah okay being blunt and straightforward is okay sometimes, you’re right.
EB: and maybe even a good idea at those times!
EB: but when it comes to talking about a real actual relationship…
EB: well, it’s really not all that romantic when you say it like that!
EB: you’re not supposed to be all clinical and direct and ‘proper terminology’ and stuff about romance.
EB: it’s supposed to be, y’know…
EB: romantic!
TT: I see.
TT: Perhaps you have a point.
EB: heh…that’s what i think anyway.
TT: You intend to romance me, then?
EB: it is the gentlemanly thing to do!
EB: i mean, if, y’know, you’re okay with that.
TT: I’m more than okay with it, John. It’s just one of the many things I adore about you.
TT: I can think of far worse fates than to be wooed by such a romantic gentleman.
EB: well good, ‘cause that’s what you’re getting!
EB: complete with flowers and sappy poetry and fancy chocolates that may or may not actually exist anymore.
TT: Swoon!
EB: and none of this “having sex” talk.
TT: Oh no?
EB: romantic gentlemen and their special ladies do not have sex.
EB: they make love.
EB: ……
EB: …uh, rose?
EB: rose, are you still there?
EB: uh, rose, c’mon, say something.
EB: did that go too far?
TT: Oh my.
EB: oh, whew, i thought i scared you off for a second.
TT: John, I do believe I am in a state of being which may be described as “flustered.”
EB: heheh, wow really?
EB: rose the super mature spookypants queen of books is flustered?
TT: It’s just…you said that with such complete and utter sincerity.
TT: I’m actually a little caught off guard.
TT: And yet it’s so perfectly and completely “you” that I shouldn’t have been surprised at all.
EB: uh…
EB: thanks?
EB: i think?
TT: It’s a compliment, yes.
EB: oh, heh, well good then.
EB: i mean, thanks.
TT: You’re welcome.
EB: so um…
EB: does this mean you want to, like…
EB: be a couple and stuff?
TT: I believe you were the one expressing an interest in making love to me.
TT: So really I should be asking you that question.
EB: gah!
EB: come on i meant that metaphorically!
TT: Did you?
EB: well…
EB: erm…
TT: I see. So you don’t want to make hot, sweet love to me.
TT: You have no interest in sweeping me into your arms and bestowing upon me a legendary kiss to be remembered for all of time.
EB: hey wait, i didn’t say that!
TT: You have no intention of laying me down upon your sheets and gently caressing my body that I have bared only to you and allowed you to behold in all its natural beauty.
EB: oh jeez, rose…
TT: It would never cross your mind to whisper sweet nothings into my ear as we sanctify our union in a night of romantic passion.
TT: And you surely would never dream of a moment where we may be in each other’s arms, joined as one, sharing a beautiful moment of climax to culminate our love.
TT: Right?
TT: John?
TT: Hello?
EB: oh wow, rose.
EB: that…wow.
EB: i think that’s the sexiest thing i’ve ever heard.
TT: I had a feeling you might think that.
TT: I am capable of being romantic too, you know.
EB: i didn’t know, actually.
EB: but…
EB: man, am i glad to hear it!
TT: Just don’t expect it all the time.
TT: I have a brooding and gloomy reputation to maintain, after all.
EB: heheh, of course.
EB: um…
EB: so…
TT: Yes?
EB: i uh…
EB: i’m not really sure how to ask this exactly, but uh…
EB: were you, y’know…serious?
EB: about us doing all that?
EB: all the romance and intimacy and…stuff?
TT: Let me answer your question with another question.
TT: Would you like to come over to my house, John?
EB: oh…
EB: oh wow.
EB: i uh…
EB: i think i’d love to.
TT: I think I’d love you to as well.
EB: i will bring you the best flowers.
EB: THE BEST.
TT: I believe I was also promised sweets and poetry?
EB: psh, so demanding!
TT: I know, aren’t I just the most unreasonable lady on the planet?
EB: oh yes, so unreasonable.
EB: but…
EB: also the prettiest.
EB: so it’s okay.
TT: I confess myself relieved you lack the viewport feature at the moment.
TT: I am actually blushing now, seeing you say that.
EB: well you’re gonna be doing it a lot, then, ‘cause i’m gonna be saying it a lot!
TT: I suppose I can live with that.
EB: and we can, uh…
EB: do stuff you want to do, too.
EB: like…talk about breasts, apparently?
TT: We can talk about much more than breasts, if you like, John.
TT: With a little more work I might even convince you to say “butt.”
EB: heheh…you said butt.
TT: Yes, I’m actually rather ashamed of myself for that.
TT: Perhaps we should refrain from discussing posteriors.
EB: what if it was yours?
TT: Mine?
EB: since y’know, we’re already talking about your…
EB: um…
EB: heheh.
EB: breasts.
TT: John, I do believe I am blushing again.
EB: heheheheheh, awesome.
TT: And perhaps a little intrigued.
EB: yeah?
TT: Dare I say, even a little…excited.
EB: oh wow.
EB: excited is good.
EB: so, uh…i’ll head over now?
TT: Yes. Do hurry.
EB: right. hurrying. oh man. definitely hurrying.
EB: see you soon rose!
TT: I am tingling with anticipation.
TT: See you soon, John.

--ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]--

****************************

Your name is JOHN EGBERT. You are also sometimes known as the HEIR OF BREATH, and you are renowned as the LEADER of a team of youths to successfully complete a game of SBURB and CREATE YOUR OWN UNIVERSE, including the planet you are currently occupying. You are a master of THE WINDY THING, capable of bending the air around you to your will in any way you choose. You are considered a PHYSICAL GOD in many ways and from many different perspectives.

And you have never been so scared in your entire life.

You have taken utmost care in your search for the MOST BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS in the vicinity, and have succeeded quite handily. You have also donned your FINEST SUIT, awarded to you for your recent birthday, and have managed to alchemize a BOX OF CHOCOLATES, from which you have removed several containing nuts out of a paranoid fear of having them fed to you like you have seen in various romance movies and triggering your SEVERE PEANUT ALLERGY. You hope their absence will be forgiven and it will not be assumed that you ate them yourself.

That would just be rude of you.

You now stand outside the new home of your friend and apparent new girlfriend, ROSE LALONDE. You cradle the tokens of affection in your arms as you awkwardly knock on the front door, and it is not long before you notice your KNEES ARE SHAKING. Rose has suggested some VERY ADULT ACTIVITIES are to take place upon your arrival, and although on one level this sounds EXCEPTIONALLY APPEALING, it is also EXTREMELY TERRIFYING. You are not entirely sure you are ready for it.

In fact you are almost positive you are not.

Unfortunately your opportunity to change your mind appears to have passed. The door has opened, and within stands a young blonde woman in a classy violet dress that rivals your own outfit in sheer sharpness. She has never been one to fuss over appearances, but she does enjoy designing and making FASHIONABLE OUTFITS when the mood strikes her, and to your fortune it appears this is one of those moments.

She is smiling at you, as if expecting you to say something – thorough conversations about ADULT MATTERS were implied as well, after all – but you are far too busy being transfixed by her beauty which you are only just recently starting to take notice of.

In fact, you have never been so attracted to her in your entire life.

Still, you should probably at least say hello.

You open your mouth to do so, but you suddenly feel her finger on your lips, stopping you. She appears to have decided that there is no need to talk. A moment later she is sliding her arms gently around your shoulders and the finger has been replaced with her lips. She is KISSING YOU.

You should probably KISS BACK. Yes, that sounds the smart thing to do. You decide to do that.

Putting your arms around her is awkward with the BOX OF CHOCOLATES and the FLOWERS still in your possession. You hurriedly DISCARD them on the nearby COFFEE TABLE, leaving your arms free to hug around her waist. She seems to like being pulled closer to you, as the moment you do so she begins kissing you a little harder and more intensely. You return her kiss to the best of your ability, though you make no move to further the action, a thought that still has you rather nervous.

Fortunately for you it looks as though you will not have to make those decisions, as Rose is making another move. She ensures that the door closes behind you before she pulls back and sends a coy smile your way. She appears to be very intentionally trying to be sexy, and it is working. She takes your hands in hers and starts to lead you deeper into her house, which your legs comply with on complete autopilot, as your brain cannot be bothered with such irrelevant thoughts when they are fixated with increasing interest on Rose. You are so unaware of your surroundings, in fact, that you do not even realize she has led you to her BEDROOM until she has gently pushed you down onto her BED. You now find yourself gazing up at her, and your eyes slowly become enormous as they witness Rose slipping the shoulder straps of her dress off, and the moment she releases them from between her fingers, the whole thing plummets like a rock from her body.

She is completely naked underneath.

It is at this point that your brain completely ceases all rational thought.

In time, when rational thought would return to you, you would decide that this was the point where you realized that Rose was not fucking around. She was not playing with you or teasing you. She had not decided to do this on a whim, nor merely resigned herself to a predestined fate. She had given it a lot of serious consideration and forethought, and she truly, legitimately wanted this with you. Quite a lot.

But that realization would certainly not come to you at the present moment, as the only thing other than sleep that would occupy your mind for the next several hours would involve this sight before you now. To this point in your life seeing anything resembling a naked girl has been an exceptionally rare occurrence, limited to brief moments in movies, upon which your DAD often made use of the FAST FORWARD and SCENE SKIP features. As such you spend a considerable amount of time simply staring at each of Rose’s noticeable curves, at the deep pink dots centered on two of the most obvious curves, at the curls of blonde fuzz where her legs connected to the rest of her body. It is the most fascinating sight for you to behold. Her soft chuckle suggests she is aware of this, if only because of how hard you are beholding.

She KISSES YOU again as she crawls onto the bed with you and begins to insistently remove your own clothes, but despite this the nerves you entered this scenario with begin to drift away. This is not as difficult as you had feared. It is beginning to feel quite right. Natural. Instinctual, even. Also the fact that she is making all of the moves – all of them – is making it much easier on you. You are not quite sure you would be able to steer this situation yourself just yet, and so you are entirely content in letting Rose drive.

She has MOUNTED YOU now, and you continue to offer no complaint or resistance. Your hands rest on her hips as you lay on your back and stare longingly at her upright body. You are not sure how exactly but at some point the roles you had discussed earlier have been reversed. It is she who is laying you down on her bed and bestowing the lovely kisses. You decide this does not matter because Rose being romantic is far too sexy for you to object to. She looks gorgeous up there. Gorgeous and yet too far away. You wish she would come closer. You kind of really want to wrap your arms tight around her, especially now that she is beginning to lower herself down onto your—

Okay sorry you just completely lost all rational thought again.

For a sparse moment you simply cannot help enjoying the sensation of being inside Rose. It is impossible not to. She is warm, snug but not suffocating, pleasantly moist. It is a sensation that has wiped your mind blank.

Until you look at her face. She is uncomfortable. Pained. Shuddering. You had forgotten, in the wake of all her forwardness, that she is just as virginal as you, and in her case bidding it farewell comes with some obvious physical consequence. Suddenly the urge to wrap her in your arms returns with ten times the previous strength, and you finally make a move of your own. You sit up a little, enough to get your arms most of the way around her body, and fulfill your desire. She is yanked down with an expression of thorough surprise, as though she had expected to ride cowgirl atop your paralyzed form the entire time. But that would be silly and not romantic at all, and that is just not the way of romantic gentlemen and their lovely ladies. She is now enjoying the feeling of your arms securely around her upper back, holding her as long as it takes for her pains and shudders to subside, and it is significantly more pleasant this way.

It is not perfect. Synching up your thrusting motions proves more difficult than anticipated, you are both getting kind of uncomfortably hot and sweaty, it is hard to see through the fog building in your glasses no matter how many times you wipe them off, and you probably finish long before she was ever going to and it makes you feel lame and guilty no matter how many times she insists you shouldn’t. But all the while you hold her gingerly and stroke her hair and plant kisses on her cheeks and the corners of her lips, and she smiles and coos pleasant sounds at you and plucks off your glasses so she can kiss you properly at the very end before she passes out and you wouldn’t trade a moment of it.

Your name is JOHN EGBERT, the HEIR OF BREATH. Sleeping softly in your arms lies ROSE LALONDE, the SEER OF LIGHT, also known as YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

And both of you have never been so happy in your entire lives.
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JOHN/ROSE: AWKWARDLY ADDRESS ATTRACTION