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Reviews for Arrow Head

By : vladfannyc
  • From RogueMudblood on January 01, 2012

    I liked the idea of the tryst; I could easily visualize the opening scene.

    There are a few things I wanted to mention, though.

    You say this wasn’t even remotely ordinary. - Even though that's in the middle of their foreplay, that completely threw me off-balance. As soon as I read that sentence, I was immediately questioning why such an act would occur then, if there was no established relationship between the two characters.

    I grasp that this is PWP and that the relationship is understood to have been in place prior to this event. That is precisely why the statement is off-putting. If there were no established relationship, I certainly couldn't see Steve taking advantage of Clint in such a way. Nor can I reconcile the thought that Clint would allow Steve to do so. The actions appear to be entirely mutual; why then would this not be ordinary for the two men?

    The use of the word "tool" - the word itself isn't mood-setting (at least not for me). I see that word, I think of a wrench used to loosen the drip pan so I can change the oil in my car. As a result, I'm no longer enrapt with the tale, sadly.

    When I got to the actual penetration, I have to say I was disappointed that you did not spend more time describing the scene, given the depths of description of Clint fellating Steve. I appreciated that, as it set the tone of the moment. But the whole of the penetration you sum up into one sentence. You describe Clint as being in pain and gritting his teeth - honestly, combined with the statement earlier that this was not ordinary for the two, I'm not getting the impression that it's necessarily consensual either. Especially given the repeated commentary about Steve always winning by being Steve.

    I'm almost certain that you intended this to be a fluff fic; the overall feeling I'm left with, though, is not of a quickie before bed. Instead, I am left with an almost bitter taste, given the way you worded certain things. I'm almost certain you did not intend for this to come across in this manner.

    My first suggestion is to obtain a beta. They can be wonderful assets to writers, helping you not just with the technicalities of writing, but also with the things I mentioned above. Granted, everyone perceives things differently, so many people might have no opinion whatsoever in regards to diction. I personally feel it to be very important; the words you choose, after all, set the tone for your piece.

    You can find those advertising their services to beta here:

    http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php/forum/83-become-a-beta/

    As I said above, though, I truly did enjoy the premise. I think you have a wonderful idea here, and with a few changes in diction I think you can easily accomplish the fluff fic you intended this piece to be.

    Thank you for sharing, and happy writing!
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